I pay for the cell phone - family plan and also one of the resaons why i have access to all her records. She is clueless about the cell records that are available. it's been my saving grace to do the snooping. I'm afraid taht at soeme point she'll figure it out and go buy a new one and I would lose my ability to snoop.
Once you feel you've gathered (and saved!) enough evidence, I'd strongly suggest cutting this off, and letting her know why ("I have decided that I will no longer pay to enable you to conduct your affair.")
Plus, anything else (hair, make-up, plastic surgery, lingerie, gifts, etc.) she might be using to conduct her infidelity.
Thanks - you are tough, but I have a much better understanding of why, now.
After reading more of the threads from you and Gucci, what are your thought about bringing in the OM's W into this? They are in the process of thinking of a divorce - they were seperated once, but he has since moved back in with her as he is unemployed. She is a good friend of my W - my W has been advising her on her own PA with another friend of ours. Yes it's a soap opera. Both parties have indicated that their M is over - just neither of them want to take the D intitiative.
Wow. Ordinarily, I'd be a big proponent of you exposing her husband's/your wife's affair to her, but under the circumstances, I'm not sure what good it would do if she's having one herself.
Thanks so much for all the help. I actually was feeling pretty good about myself yesterday and today. I'm resolute and determined. And activly working on my GAL.
Talked to two of my kids last night. Told them that we are having problems and that mom has things she needs to figure out. I told them I loved them, it wasn't about them, or me, but was about the fact that W needs to figure out what she wants to do. Reinforced that it is her choice on anything that happens from here on out. I did warn them that it might be a difficult summer, but to remember that they can always come and talk to me at any time about anything. Told them I would be honest with them and share anything that I felt they would need to know. I didn't tell them anything about an A, just that W is wondering right now if she still wants to be married. And that it will be her decision. Both took it pretty well, it will be a tougher conversation with my youngest son today - much more sensitive than the others. But I also to the other two to look out for each other, to talk to each other, to support each other and to know that I love them and will not do anything to hurt them. And that they can always come to me for anything.
I've made my plan to cut off the cell phone on 6/1. I'm still capturing data and that will allow us to get through my daughters graduation without a major distraction. I am thinking through all the different responses that I might get from her and how I should respond with setting boundaries and not allowing the discussion to go a R discussion. I think I'm good and getting better. Hate to say this, but it is actually energizing me.
Question - how should I handle a request to talk about the R if it somes up in the next couple of weeks - before I cut off the cell phone? I realize that I need to set the boundaries (no third party, not moving out, need her commitment), but since she has been lying and tells me that the A is over, do I confront? Or do I let it go and let her continue. Or do I just say NO, not now.
My thinking is that any attempt by W to talk about R should be answered with "here are my boundaries - until you are willing to accept them and show me that you are abiding by them, there is really nothing to talk about".
I would appreciate any feedback and or input. All of you here have helped me soooo much. Thank you.
I've made my plan to cut off the cell phone on 6/1. I'm still capturing data and that will allow us to get through my daughters graduation without a major distraction. I am thinking through all the different responses that I might get from her and how I should respond with setting boundaries and not allowing the discussion to go a R discussion. I think I'm good and getting better. Hate to say this, but it is actually energizing me.
Question - how should I handle a request to talk about the R if it somes up in the next couple of weeks - before I cut off the cell phone? I realize that I need to set the boundaries (no third party, not moving out, need her commitment), but since she has been lying and tells me that the A is over, do I confront? Or do I let it go and let her continue. Or do I just say NO, not now.
My thinking is that any attempt by W to talk about R should be answered with "here are my boundaries - until you are willing to accept them and show me that you are abiding by them, there is really nothing to talk about".
I would appreciate any feedback and or input. All of you here have helped me soooo much. Thank you.
Good job on talking to your kids, btw -- you handled that really well. They're lucky to have you for their dad.
And yeah, it is kinda energizing/invigorating in a weird sorta way, isn't it? That -- that ability to get into "battle mode" and to even see the game-playing and humor in it all at times -- will help you IMMENSELY as you deal with this in the weeks and months ahead.
To answer your question, this:
Quote:
Question - how should I handle a request to talk about the R if it somes up in the next couple of weeks - before I cut off the cell phone? I realize that I need to set the boundaries (no third party, not moving out, need her commitment), but since she has been lying and tells me that the A is over, do I confront? Or do I let it go and let her continue. Or do I just say NO, not now.
My thinking is that any attempt by W to talk about R should be answered with "here are my boundaries - until you are willing to accept them and show me that you are abiding by them, there is really nothing to talk about".
isn't bad. If it were me, I would call her on any outright lies by saying something like "Look, we both know you're lying right now, so please stop it. It's incredibly disrespectful." And then if she tries R talk, say what I mentioned a couple of times above -- "Until you're ready to end your affair, there's really nothing to talk about, and I'm still deciding what I'm going to do. End your affair, and I think you'll find me ready and willing to discuss any and all issues, including mine."
You've already told her you're not moving out, so no need to bring it up again. In fact, anything major that you've told her ONCE, don't repeat yourself -- you stated your position, now just ACT on it. If she says something like "I can't believe you're not moving out, that's so selfish" or something, just say the ol' "I'm sorry you feel that way, but this is what I've decided." (notice I'm wanting you to pepper a lot of what you say to her with Gucci's "I have decided _____" approach)
She will recoil at the "A" word -- don't back away from it. It's important to deal truthfully with each other, even if you're the only one doing it. Don't beat her over the head with it, or say it seething or anything -- just when she brings it up, and you should state it civilly and with a firm but loving tone.
Had the talk with the youngest son (14) yesterday. So all kids are now aware of their mom's desire to re-think her life, including our M. All took it ok - daughter had some tears.
Taking the intial steps to de-couple our finances. Moving my payroll and household payments over to an individual account in my name only. Her pay will continue to go to the joint account. I'm doing this in antiipation of cell phone cut-off day. She will have the need to establish her own credit line and accounts and these moves will protect me from having her raid the bank to fund her affair.
Still feeling good about myself, my plans. Truly am believing that my W is mentally ill and needs help that I can not provide. I am slowly going dark. It's getting easier every day. Understanding that the person who I am dealing with is not the person I married helps a lot. It also allows me to be kind of angry with her, which help me move on as well. We're still being cordial with each other, talking about the plans for my daughters graduation open house next weekend. Starting to work on some summer travel plans with the kids (without W).
Still wondering about two things: Lawyering up - is now the right time? Exposure of the A - when?
It's never too soon to have at least an initial consultation with a good family law attorney. Preferably one who specializes in "men's rights" and paternal custody issues. Reason being, it:
a) helps give you peace-of-mind; and
b) helps you identify things you should be doing NOW to help your case, and AVOIDING now that might hurt you down the road.
As for exposure, that's a real personal decision that's tough to advise. I WOULD advise, however, that if you DO do it, that you expose to everyone you're going to expose to SIMULTANEOUSLY. I was strongly advised to do that, and DIDN'T, and I regretted it. The reason is two-fold; the "shock-and-awe" has a greater effect when done all at once, and also it doesn't give the cheating spouse any time to "spin" other people who they think are probably about to be exposed to. Another reason is, if she's going to get pissed at you (and she will be livid, make no mistake), you might as well get it all over with at once, kwim? Sorta like pulling a Band-Aid off quickly.
As far as I know, the only people who know about the A are the three people involved (me, W and OM). I suspect that W's friend may be aware, but since she is pretty nosy into everyone's buisness, I doubt my W would have confided in her about it. Based on the cell phone records, I also suspect that W's sister may also be aware (she lives in anotehr state, not local) - she was call #2 after I exposed the A (right after OM).
She's very concerned about exposure, especially to my mother, who she said she is closer to than her own mother. The other part to this is that my mother is terminally ill and I'm sure that bothers her. Again, thinking only about herself.
