MLC survivor.. and I did everything wrong!

[Silver Fox]

I agree, your posts are awesome. Thanks for showing up here and offering a reality check. Especially this for me:

I cannot tell you ENOUGH from experience NOT TO CONTACT THE STUPID OW. the BITCHFIGHT you will get into will UNDERMINE everything you ever thought of yourself and make you feel so rotten you will sink to lows you could never imagine. DONT DO IT. She isnt worth it and most of all, she shouldnt know how much hurt she caused you. Be mysterious. let her WONDER about you forever. Be the sphynx, you'll be so glad in the future.

I've so wanted to contact her over these last awful 2 years and I still have the urge every now and then - really just to say "Hello? Another person here! And your boyfriend is still married to her FYI!"

Thanks for reminding me why I shouldn't. You've been to hell and back - me too - well I'm almost back.

[FightingFit]

yea the fear is my hangup, its a problem, and I guess thats why I am here because I DO KNOW its a hangup. and weirdly, I cannot rationalise it (and I rationalise EVERYTHING.) I cant even THINK about what would happen if I saw my x again, my mind freezes. Part of me is terrified I would want to "forgive" him bc seriously... i really dont. it often feels like he as a "hold" of some kind on me. I have done some reading and learnt that this is common for those abandoned.

id love to wave a magic wand and disappear. but due to various factors, he'd ALWAYS be able to find me if he wanted to (and i really resent that, bc we never had that ability with HIM.) I know hes enormously angry at me - hes angry I 'told' for a start, (I wasnt supposed to) and hes angry I retaliated against precious ow (not something I regret) and I think - I dont know this but I do think - hes furious I finally divorced him on my own (he didnt respond to the papers) and went to court to change the kids names to mine. the truth is I am quite afraid of him. I dont know him anymore. I wouldnt put it past him to try to act nice but have bad intentions towards me.

to give you some insight on why I feel this way, is bc when he returned here but was still seeing/talking to OW etc, he used to say stuff to me like "I have something special for your birthday" in sinister ways (the prev birthday is when he left for his holiday and got with OW.) I knew something pretty bad was coming and sure enough on my birthday he quit his job and flew back to the UK to be with her and quit his child support. To me this indicates a very nasty wish to bring me down. TO wait for that date, thats queer right? well I think so.

its like, x and OW have made it their personal thing to cause as much humiliation to me as possible, but hide what they do. Even when he brought her here in secret living here (his family had no idea until the nasty little thing got online to tell me, and I told them) they denied being together romantically (even tho he had admitted to an affair prev when he was there.) when he ran away back there 3 months after she left, he never told anyone not even his own family where he was going - tried to 'dissappear' - they didnt know where he was and his family in the uk denied knowing - once again I 'outed' where he was to them (they dont thank me.) still continuous denials tho, her family now claim she lives in wales (i dont beleive it for a second). its my belief that as usual its still on but they know its unacceptable so they live in denial. but they're happy for me to know. that seems CREEPY and weird to me.

I have nightmares about them.