I suppose it depends on what type of people she has for "friends". If they are divorced or cheating on their own S's, then that is why some are supportive. Others may find it something to brighten up their dull lives and have something to gossip about.
One of them is divorced, the other two are having troubles in their marriages, one of which is really on the rocks now. I feel bad for their H's. Them hanging out with my W is the worst thing for their M. Out of my control though.
I know my W has told them lies to make herself not look so bad. I know she told them our marriage was over years ago, and that we had already separated inside our house before she started the e-mail correspondence, and that our separation was mutual between us. All lies.
The truth is, my W started her EA while she was supposedly working on saving our M. What a joke. I can't believe we sat in MC and she never mentioned the OM once. How could she possibly think the MC was going to do any good? She just wanted to think she was giving it one last try, when she did nothing of the sort. She just dragged out the inevitable, leaving me absolutely frustrated and perplexed why none of what I was doing was really having any impact in our marriage. When I read in DR about it, MWD said that if you're doing all the right things (I was about 90% solid) and your W is still saying their feelings aren't changing, there is someone else involved. I remember thinking, "there's no way anyone else is involved, she's never out of the house long enough when she's not working." I didn't even think about an e-mail EA. Lesson learned.
Quote:
Some people might tell you to "stand for your marriage" but all of us are different and I believe that if you already know in your heart that it is over and she is not going to turn back to you, that you need to let her go.
I have been trying to save my M for about 18 months now, really about 3 years if you count all the years my W was effectively telling me that she isn't happy and that if something doesn't change, she's done. I've completely turned myself around. I'm in the best shape of my life, I'm a positive influence on virtually everyone around me. I feel better about myself than I have in many years. My W isn't coming back and it's breaking my heart, again. I can't do it anymore. She's totally invested in the OM. She has a five year plan with him.
I asked God to release me from my marriage vows tonight. I can't go on like this anymore. It's hurting me and I have nothing left to fight for.
Thank you everyone who has helped me, bluerain, sandi, aliveandkicking, sara, antlers, blueheart, stillloveshim, kara, JLK2009. You are wonderful courageous people. I will continue to post here to try to help others and get support for my situation. I need to move through the separation and divorce process with grace and dignity. I haven't allowed her to drag me down to her level yet, and I'm not about to now.
It will be fine to stay here on this forum if you want to. The others (separated or divorced forums) does not have as much traffic as the Newcomers, but do what you feel is most comfortable. Just want you to stick around and continue to have a support group.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I did look good b/c I was "working" at looking great and younger (especially since the OM was younger than me). It was all those false "love" chemicals flooding my brain and gave me that "glow". It sounds sickening now.
My W is constantly working on her looks too. Sandi, it eases my pain a little when you say "It sounds sickening now," because it really casts what she's doing in such a bad light, and it legitimizes my hurt. What about it makes you say that?
You are a great person for hanging here and giving advice.
The really frustrating thing for me is that my W complained that I abandoned her emotionally, which I know I did SOME of the time, but I was also right there, seeking her out, and trying to get her to open up to me much of the time too. She wouldn't have it, and she used the fact that I wanted it as leverage against me in our M. Now in this affair, she's totally in love with OM, and she portrays him as far more attentive to her needs than I ever was, yet he tells her there's no way he'll move here for her. Somehow she doesn't perceive that as rejecting and abandoning her? That's the essence of abandonment to have tell someone you need them, and have them say no, not worth it. Yet she just continues to offer herself to him, hoping he'll come around. From what I know about relationships, her not sticking to her guns, and giving in to him, is making him lose respect for her, is it not? Sandi, I assume this is why you say she's in for such a bad time?
Don't pay attention to what your W believes or doesn't believe right now. My W was planning to leave me for her boss twice her age and M. After I kept berating her about the moral implications of what she was doing did she later show some kind of remorse and told me that she knew it was wrong and that it would not have worked out and that he would have cheated on her eventually.
Call it the "chemicals" in the brain or the feeling of being in love, whatever. Your W is following the same script all the WAWs are reading from. When all this madness started for me, my W was saying and accusing me of the worst things. Now when I repeat back to her what she told me, she acts shocked and says she doesn't remember half of what she said. How convenient.
I've been where you are. Where you feel like you have nothing left to give and that's understandable. Each time I had to find a little grain of faith and strength within myself. I learned the Stockdale Paradox from Coach and decided to not look at a timeframe, but to take each step one day at a time. And most importantly, I laid down a boundary and gave my W loving detachment.
It's hard when you think your W is with OM, but it comes down to what it is you want. If you want to continue to save your M, then it's never too late. If you've given all you can, there's no shame in stopping the pain. Either way, take away the lesson that this has made you a stronger individual.
Good luck.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Thanks stuck808. I know my W is totally whacked out right now with MLC and love chemicals. There's nothing I can do about it, I need to move on with my life for me and my kids. I am not the best parent I can be when I'm riding this roller coaster.
Deep down I know I'll always love my W, and there is a tiny kernel of hope I'm saving in case she ever returns to be the woman I know. I don't know where I'll be when and if that ever happens. It's a sad but needed risk I need to take.
I think that is an excellent attitude for you to have Future. Its so hard to get to that point, where you just throw up your hands and say "Fine". But, again thats where a lot of these things turn around. Who knows what will happen for her, but right now you just need to worry about what will happen for you and your kids. I think that you taught them a valuable lesson about the importance of M and family by trying as hard as you have. So maybe something good will have come out of all of this.
I made a playlist for my Ipod right about this stage in my sitch, it was all songs that told me things were going to be ok. Maybe it would help?
I guess I gave the wrong finger to the wrong man...
I did look good b/c I was "working" at looking great and younger (especially since the OM was younger than me). It was all those false "love" chemicals flooding my brain and gave me that "glow". It sounds sickening now.
My W is constantly working on her looks too. Sandi, it eases my pain a little when you say "It sounds sickening now," because it really casts what she's doing in such a bad light, and it legitimizes my hurt. What about it makes you say that?
Do you mean why did I say it sounds sickening now? B/c the person I was when I was involved in the EA is not a person I ever knew. I was never that person before nor have I been that person since I gave up the OM. It embarrasses me and shames me and I had a very hard time forgiving myself. I have been a Christian since I was very young. Raised in a good home, married a good man, and had a Christian home all these years. Spent my life in Church and trying to live "right". But, then it was as if everything (all the "stuff" over the 40+ years) just came crashing down on me and I felt so empty, depressed, lonly, you name it. I started playing Internet games and the rest is history. Those games are very addictive and now I am worrying about my D b/c she is doing the same thing. Although she is happily M, it is not a good thing to get into. It is like a snare that will entrap you before you know what is happening.....especially if you are in an unhappy R.
Anyway, now I feel that I am myself again and I can look back at what happen and it seems like a nightmare. I have said this over and over, but still give credit to the folks here on this board for sticking with me and helping me to find my way out of the fog. A person (WAS) has got to want help to be able to come out as quickly as I did, I believe. Not many WAW's come here to the board, and I have hardly seen any men....but maybe there have been a few. It is hard! That's why I don't like for people to beat them up when they do have the courage to come here.
That is why I hang around.....trying to pay it forward. Don't know if I've help anyone, but even if I say something that would help save one M......all the hours would be worth it. I am so thankful that Michelle has this board and that we are free to express our thoughts without too much cencership....lol. I especially appreciate the fact that we are free to talk about our faith.......and/or people who aren't Christians can express their viewpoints, also. But the entire purpose is to bust divorces! I feel that if we can't support MWD's books and encourage people to use those techniques, then we need to be someplace else. There may be a point of two that some don't see eye to eye, but as a whole, I would think most people here would have to think she was right in what she teaches or else they are just hear to be heard. I've read a lot of M books and by far, she gives the tools as to what to do when it has gotten to the place of S or D looming. Oh, well, enough of my advertising.....lol.
You take care, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I know my W was unhappy in our M. I have many regrets. I truly believe much of our unhappiness was situational. Three kids in four years, post partum depression, house renovation, financial difficulties, medical problems, all added up to stress on top of stress on top of stress. She seems genuinely happier in some ways, as she feels like she left the stress behind (which she hasn't, she just thinks she has, for now, reality will hit soon), but she has this "bad vibe" around her too, which I think is what you're referring to Sandi. She's obsessed with her looks and her weight. When her affair is on an upswing, she acts like she's in the world's best and most exciting relationship, she constantly boasts to her friends how great it and he is. When their R is on the rocks, she becomes mean and is a misery to be around, and our poor kids have to endure it. The ironic thing is that one of the "reasons" my W gave for why we needed to separate was that she thought our R wasn't a good example for the kids to see growing up. She felt we weren't loving enough to each other, which is weird for her to say when she constantly rejected my love. Anyway, what she's now living is a terrible example for our kids, in my opinion.
