Went to the Y and worked out last night. Tonight S7 has baseball game. If they win this one, they play in the championship game tomorrow night. I so hope they win. It would be wonderful for S7.
Been spending a lot of time today thinking about things, about what it is that I really want. I think what I want short term is to get rid of the fear. I'm tired of being afraid of what H will do or think or how he'll behave. It has occurred to me that while I'm a strong person, I have been manipulated by him so long that I don't think I'm strong enough to break free as long as he keeps waltzing back into the house, saying he cares/loves me, etc. Each time that happens I forget his current MLC illness and get a glimpse of the man I love and any glimmer of detachment I had goes out the window.
The other thing I've come to realize (that others tried to tell me but I guess I wasn't ready to process) is that OW really doesn't matter so much. With the current state he's in, he has whole pieces of his life that I'm not "allowed" to be part of. As long as that's true, our M cannot be restored. So even if there were no OW, no EA, there would still be that. Oh, and I'm sure there would be/will be some other OW if this one goes away. So, the conclusion I've drawn is this....I have still be trying to control H and force him/guilt him into staying. I do not want a M based on control. I want a M based on love, devotion and commitment. We can't have that M right now with H in his current situation. So, I have to let him go. Since I'm not strong enough to let him go with him still here, I will have to ask him to move out. I'd love to get feedback from some vet DB posters who've dealt with MLC. Is it better to go ahead and ask them to leave? If so, how do you do it and still be committed to standing? How do you DB as you do that? Ok to bring up R, OW, etc. during that discussion? Do you tell H it's not what you want but what is best with things the way they are?
I'd appreciate any thoughts you have....
Me 39 H 38 T22/M15 S11 S7 EA Confirmed 3/11/09 Sep Weekdays Only 4/09
If you decide you need him to leave, you can do that while making it clear that you want the M to work. It comes down to self-respect. As in, "I love you and I want this M to work, but your involvement with someone else is not acceptable. As long as that's your choice, I need you to leave."
In some ways it's harder on you with them in the home(IMO). Once they leave, well, that may be it. You stil have to respect yourself. My H left on his own and as far as I know there was no EA/PA while he was there. I will tell you it was easier in some ways after he was gone (except the day he comes to visit, long story) and I felt like I could breathe a little easier.
Whatever you choose think (and I mean really think) don't react.
I am a huge fan of Dr. James Dobson. I have his book on Tough Love and I believe it 100%. He tells it like it is and if I were the LBS, I would certainly go his route.......which is basically dropping the rope and moving forward, which is not contrary to what Michelle teaches. It is just that his book is about that one direction. I think it would do you much good to read it.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Didn't get to the bookstore today, but will be there tomorrow to get the book.
I'm giving this a lot of thought and plan to wait until after MC on Thursday when H said he had things he wanted to discuss with MC to help us through. I like the way Grace words it. It's like kicking him out "gracefully." And it is reasonable and makes it clear as to motive and what my stand is.
Went to H7's ballgame tonight and we had an impromptu party afterwards at the coach's house. I had a great time and found I wasn't even thinking about H and what he was or was not doing. That is huge for me. I had one moment of self pity thinking about how all the other dads were there, but it was momentary and then I moved on. Neither S ever asked where their dad was. Sad, so sad what he's throwing away. But they know I'm always here and that's more than a lot of kids have.
No crying for 2 days - yea!
Lost more weight - yea!
Working out 3-4 times/week - yea!
Still need to find a GAL hobby and expand friend network....
Me 39 H 38 T22/M15 S11 S7 EA Confirmed 3/11/09 Sep Weekdays Only 4/09
I am so proud of your personal success! Losing weight and working out takes a lot of self discipline. It is hard to do when one is happy and everything is grand......but to do that when everything is not grand is very difficult. Good for you!
You are gradually doing better. The longer you can go without crying, the better. When you feel yourself getting to that place where you are wanting to cry.....or the tears start before you know it.....have something that you can immediately get involved doing and use that same "discipline" you have to wort off the tears.
I hope you had a small insight of what we mean by GAL. You were able to go for a short period without thinking of your stitch and that was like recess for your body and brain! People do not think it is possible when they first come on board and we start talking about GAL, and are not even interested in it. But.....again I think you have to make yourself start doing it....not b/c you feel like it or have a desire to do it. Of course you are not going to want to GAL b/c your S was your life. That's all one can think about. So, you have shown that you do have strength and discipline. I am proud of you and I believe you are a suvivor and even though your H does not seem to see what he is losing......you must step up and do what is best for you and your children.
Continue with your good work. I hope you have some more things planned in the way of GAL.......and something just for you that does not include your children. You really need something to uplift your spirits and that will make you feel good about yourself. I don't know why we women feel that we are being selfish when we allow something for "us" b/c in the long run, it is good for our families also. When Mama's happy....everybody's happy!
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Little victories. Your success is great! You should take pride in all that you are doing.
For me expanding the friends network can be tough with kids. I manage to get out and do alot more than I thought though. With the decipline you've shown, I have no doubt you'll be able to do more alot quicker than I was. That's a really good thing.
Doing really well today. I feel I'm moving into a different stage. The pain is still there, but I'm gaining a perspective I haven't had before. It's difficult to explain. I'm still struggling with detaching, but don't feel as hopeless. I hope this change continues.
I'm taking the boys to visit their grandparents next week and will leave them there. I'm anxious to get to visit a bit with my parents and also to visit with my grandparents who are both not doing so well. So next week I'll have all week to GAL and spend just on me. H and I are going to a concert next Thursday night, but other than that I'll have every night free. H has been wanting to meet up at the Y every free night, so maybe one night he'll ask and I'll get to be unavailable and mysterious.
Thanks for hanging in with me guys. I know I'm wordy and needy and seem to get stuck, but I really am trying to learn from everyone here and move forward.
Me 39 H 38 T22/M15 S11 S7 EA Confirmed 3/11/09 Sep Weekdays Only 4/09
It's good to hear that you're feeling stronger. It may come and go (still does with me to some extent) just cut yourself some slack.
I tend to rattle around a bit if my D's aren't with me. I suspect it's b/c it hasn't happend but a couple of times. I hope you have some fun though. Got any solid plans or even ideas?
All this takes time. We are all wordy and needy and stuck at times. That's why this BB is so valuable.
The last week without the boys was shortly after bomb and I thought I was going to lose my mind. They are what keeps me busy. I don't have solid plans, but do plan to try some new classes at the Y, do some shopping for clothes that fit (woo-hoo), call some friends I've played phone tag with for a while, invite a neighbor out to lunch and maybe even go see a chick flick. Wish I had a girls night out planned. But with it being the first week of summer, a lot of people have other plans.
Question - one of H's complaints was that I never met him enough for lunch (he even mentioned it again last night talking about the past). Should I offer next week to meet him for lunch? Or would that be pursuing too much?
I get so tired of the negative comments about the past from H. Any advice on how to steer that toward the here and now? I validate and try to talk more about right now, but it seems like he wants to bring up the past so he has something to be ticked off about, like it helps him justify the things he's doing/feeling. Any advice other than validating for how to get them less focused on past and more focused on now?
Me 39 H 38 T22/M15 S11 S7 EA Confirmed 3/11/09 Sep Weekdays Only 4/09
He may be using the past to justify what he's doing. I don't know. Could you validate what he's saying and then let it go? I ask this b/c bringing him into the here and now sounds like this to me. "Limbo, you don't/didn't do X" and your response "You're right I didn't. I'm sorry I seemed so uninterested, but now I..." To me that's telling him what's changed, not showing him. That's just what it sounds like in my head, the reality may be very different.
As to lunch, well, I don't know. You could try once and see what happens. If you get resistance, back off.
And it is reasonable and makes it clear as to motive and what my stand is.