my story... finally

[antlers]

Do the right thing, not because it's easy, but because it's the right thing to do.

[bluerain]

My Hs A died, and he reinitiated contact and got things going again with the OW once. She ended up cheating on him. These things often die ugly ugly deaths when they finally go, Ive heard people describe it as burning hot and fast.

I know exactly how painful this is, after such devastation we tend to pin everything on the small glimmers of light that we force our selves to beleive exist, I dont think that it ever occurs to us that in doing so, we put ourselves in a position to lose everything a second time. I am so sorry, but I promise that it will get easier.

You have got to detach. Dont let her be a cake eater. While this is going on you can DB your butt off, and it wont make a difference. If she is going to be a bad friend, dont be her friend. Keep things business like and cordial and only about the kids and thats it. Remember what worked last time. And focus on the positives, such as the moment the other day, I know it seems like a lifetime ago.

[futureunknown]

Thanks very much for the kind words and support. Will I hold onto a tiny kernel of hope? Probably, but I'm going to bury it very deep, detach and move on. I need to GAL more and more so there's no room for her in my life. Since the OM is so far away, she is casting me as her surrogate boyfriend again, a role I will not tolerate. I need to enforce strict boundaries that limit my exposure to her to the bare minimum. I should have done that since the beginning and stuck to them. I guess it's human to hold onto hope...

I've also got to get our separation agreement done, as I can't be supporting her while she's spending money to pursue her A, especially one that requires international travel!

My son's little league games are going to be tough from now on. No more friendly chatting, and no more going for pizza afterwards. My son will be so confused and hurt.

[sandi2]

Hello Futureunkown,

You saw me over in Puppy's thread and invited me to come by and read your stitch. I am down to page 5 scanning over most of it. I have to tell you that your W is very much typical. I could talk for a long time as to "why" she got to that place she was in, but your counselor has probably already discussed most of that with you. What you need to know is about "now". I apologize for not taking time to read all the replies you received and I may repeat some advice you have already been given.

I feel that your W's A is over. Even if she was still making contact through emails with the OM it is probably b/c she misses the "friendship". Yes, I know it is very weird! However, if she is getting any type of feedback that gives her ego a boost at all, then she will continue to contact until she is sick of him, sees through his game, or comes to her senses and realizes she has no feelings at all and does not want even a friendship with him. Probably, when they met for the "great" PA, she found out it was not near the fantasy she built up in her mind and was left very disappointed. He probably pushed for the second meeting and she went just to be able to hang onto him. You don't know the details of either of those meetings and they could have been disasterous for all you know. He may not have even been able to perform, which has been known to happen in these cases.

Based on what I have read so far, I think she is quickly seeing the reality of what she has done but still has a ways to go to get out of her funk. I truly belive she still loves you. There are many things that has to be worked through on both sides here. Your biggest part will be to completely forgive her. If you can't.....it won't work. So, the question I have for you so that I will know more how to approach this subject is to ask you if you are a Christian. Not everbody that comes to this board is a Christian and it certainly is not required, but many are and as I xaid, it helps me to know more about how to talk to you.

Anyway, your ego, self-esteem, pride, manhood.........all of it has been shot down......or rather it would have been if you had not already been working so hard on yourself! Just think how devastating it would have been on you in that area, if you had not decided to do the "make-over" earlier on. At least you had that going for you. Still, the forgiveness is a huge issue and I know some H's that have taken their wayward wife back but never completely forgave them and they continued to have problems. There was always that undercurrent in the R. Therefore, you must decide if you think you can forgive her completely and accept her back as your wife and never bring up the subject of what she did and throw that in her face when you get angry at her. That is when it would be tempting to do.

She seems, to me, to be warming up to you very much. She is giving you all the right signals! However, that is not to say that she is ready to jump into bed with you. Since I don't know her.....I could be wrong about that and maybe she is, but I'll base this on what little knowledge and experience I have and say the timing is not ready yet. She needs to have an old fashion "courting" time with you. She craves romance, male attention, flirting, etc. That is what she wants from you at this time.

She also needs to know if you can forgive her before she feels that she can emotionally invests into a possible reunion with you. Wheather she will have the courage to bring the subject up or not, that is yet to be seen. Unless this has happened before I finish reading the thread. I have heard of a few that did ask their H's for forgiveness, but only a few. Every H wants to hear a remorseful apology from their WW. But, I can tell you it is a possibility that it will not come until after a reunion and she feels that it is safe to talk about it. It was a long time before I truly felt remoseful b/c I was so resentful toward my H. That is a very long story, and I won't get into it b/c this is about you and your W......not me.

"Are you two in love?" I looked straight at my W and waited for a reply. She got a little flustered and delayed looking at me, but after a moment she looked at me and said "A kind of love, a very special bond and friendship." I reached out and we tightly hugged, I kissed her on the shoulder, then I pulled back and cradled her face in my hands like I used to, looked in her eyes and smiled at her. She didn't stop me or pull away, nor did she say anything. I let the moment end and said we should get going.

After this quote, you asked if that was a "backslide". I do not see it as a backslide. I see it as a babystep forward to a future together. The first step is finding your way back together as friends. If you can't learn to like each other and be friends, then being lovers will never work even if you are attracted to each other. She was hesitant b/c she was not sure how you would react. I think you handled it perfectly and gave her a sign that you still loved her.......without saying too much or even showing too much expectations.

I have to go to work but will finish reading the thread to see what is going on. I don't think you should continue to go completely dark, but just be careful about pursuing. You cannot afford to start doing that at all! You will scare her away. Babysteps is what this requires and you have only made the first one. She may even back away b/c she may feel confused after this......I don't know. Will have to finish reading.

I am anxious to finish and to get back with you as soon as possible.

Sandi

[futureunknown]

Thank you Sandi for taking so much time to read up on my situation. I buy into some of what you're saying, however the newer developments that you haven't yet read may change your story somewhat.

I haven't posted a lot of detail, but my W's trips to see the OM were not disappointments to her, at least not in that way. Let me tell the backstory:

My W reconnected with this OM from her past, and they started exchanging e-mails. She started pouring her heart out to him about her dissatisfaction in her life, and how I just don't get her. He was very receptive and gave her standard lines back "You deserve so much better, you can't live your life like this, etc." She was thrilled to have someone validate her like that. In the real world, I was very much trying to the same, but under the burden of the real world responsibilities we were facing. When she got to the point where she truly felt the OM was a better man than me, she told me our marraige was over. Then she immediately turned on the sexual heat in the e-mails, got the hours long phone calls going, eventually web cam sex, etc. She was convinced she found her true soul mate. Even though I was able to get her to open up to me over Christmas, crack her resolve, and she even offered to sleep in our bed together, it didn't last. She moved out on New Year's Day. She then began free and regular contact with OM, and was having much web cam sex, longing to be together in person.

Here's what I know about her trips in chronolgical order:

First trip back in February, she was an emotional train wreck leading up to it. A week before leaving she just showed up at my house unannounced one morning and raided my medicine cabinet for anti-anxiety pills. She then sent me an e-mail later that morning and said she was in emotional crisis and that she was doubting her decisions. I e-mailed back that we should go see the MC so she can work out how she's feeling. She said maybe. She then called me that night and said she wanted to come back to "our" house and sleep in "our" bed. Here's where I should have been very tough, but I crumbled. I said "if you're feelings are pulling you back here, then you should see where they lead." I know now I should have been tough and said "The only time you'll ever sleep in our bed together is when I'm convinced you're here to stay!" After she saw I was still emotionally hers, her anxiety was reduced and her resolve to go on the trip strenthened. I was able to find out that when she returned from her first trip she said she was in love with him. Very odd though, just two days after she returned, I was coaching my son's basketball team and we were playing a game with my W watching from the stands. After the game she comes up to me and says "Don't take this to mean more than was it is, but you really look great out there," and I could see in her face she meant it. This is from a woman who previously told me she was in no way attracted to me anymore. I played it cool and just lightly commented back "You look great too," to which she looked sad and said "This is just tragic."

Second trip. I do know the phone and e-mail and web cam intereractions between them did start to become much more non-sexual and routine after that first trip, but she was still pursuing him very intensely, and he was struggling with what possible future they could have together given that they're stuck so far away. He was getting ready to end the relationship, and so my W stepped up her schedule to go see him again 6 weeks later. I responded to her very angrily that there was no way she should be leaving the kids again and spending money on another trip when we're barely paying our bills. She tried to stand up to me and told me "I'm a grown woman and I can do what I want," to which I replied I want to step up our legal mediation. She very much crumbled again, and called me very contritely claiming that she knows it bad time for her to go, but that she has some leads on PhD reserach there and she really wants to see where they go, and yes, she'll be seeing him too, but that's not the only reaon. I told her I didn't believe her, but I said my peace, so I dropped it. I don't know for sure what was going on, but she was acting very weird before going. She even invited me to go with her and the kids to see a play the very night before she left, and we had a really nice time, and was crying when she dropped off the kids to my house. She did call the kids a few times when she was gone, and acted very contrite when she did it, and genuinely thanked me for letting her talk to them. She got back on our son's birthday, and she brought gifts for everyone, including me, which I found very odd. Right after she returned, I could see she was starting to emotionally crumble. During a lunch I had with her, her wall came down and she told me she's been really hating me, but that she likes how I've been changing, and that she just wants to take it a day at a time with me.

A week later, she has a massive emotional crisis, and I find out they "broke up", which I later found meant that he told her there was no way he was every going to move here, and she can't move there because of our kids. She was a wreck, and went on anti-depressants. After a few roller coaster weeks, she started to act more normal and happy, and that's when our R started to improve. I thought her A was over, so my guard was down, and we stated to act a little more normal together. After our last interactions, I could feel myself getting pulled dangerously back in, so I needed to find out what was going on. I found that they were incapable to really breaking things off, because the long distance sex thing was just too erotic to pass up. My W has taken the pressure of him, saying don't worry if you can ever move here, she's going to get her divorce wrapped up, get her career in order, get a house, and maybe in five years they can see where they are. Wow, talk about a long term plan. She's also trying to plan several more trips for them to see each other.

The big picture here, my W is completely infatuated with this OM. As long as he'll string her along, she keep coming back for more. Will her pride and self-esteem eventually cause her to step back and say "What am I doing?" Who knows?

As far as her and my R, she is lonely, and I'm someone safe and comfy, and the father of her kids. We have a natural easiness between us that I keep hoping will lead back to an intimate relationship, but I think that's wishful thinking, particularly in the short term. Once my W's long distance A really runs its course, which could take YEARS, yes then I could see her feeling returning for me, but that's an awful long time. Meanwhile, it's easy to cast me in this role as surrogate boyfriend, getting emotional and financial support from me, then dumping me when she has a chance for the excitement of being with the OM. It's a role I refuse to take.

[futureunknown]

And oh yeah, I am a Christain, but someone of an unusual one, in that I have no real affiliation with any church. I have read the bible, and I feel the power of God in my life. I've been praying almost daily since this whole thing started, and I have no doubt that is what has keep me srong through this.

[futureunknown]

I really think I could forgive my W, but I know it's much easier said than done. It would depend a lot on how she was acting toward me. If by her actions I could see her continual desire to make amends(very attentive toward me, very supportive of me, much light physical contact, sexually adventurous but aware I may have some residual feelings about my hurt in this area and be willing to be patient to work throug them), I would slowly accept her apology and let go of the resentment. I think within the first year, we could be well on our way to complete healing. I really don't know if she has this in her though.

Given how wrapped up in the OM she is, I know I'm looking at probably another year before that may really be over. I can't hold off my life that long, so we're really going on our own paths now. The kids will keep us in constant touch, and I'll continue to be a very involved co-parent. I still do love my W very much, and I'll try to pack that away and bury it deep. I've learned to accept that predicting the future is impossible.

[sandi2]

Wow! I sure hate to hear all of that b/c I am thinking you are probably right. I think that in years down the road (how many nobody knows)....she will see how bad a mistake she made. I am concerned that she is headed for a downward spiral of terrible emotional sadness of ups and downs in her life where this OM is concerned. However, you need to think about you and the kids.

I don't know what your laws are, but I would get the children as much as possible since their Mother is having an affair. I am usually not this quick to make a "decision" about a stitch, but I am sorry to say that I agree with your last post. I do think this will take a long time. What you need to do is to really work hard to emotionally divorce her as quick as you can b/c she will suck you back into a R with her b/c you will feel sorry for her seeing her hurt like she is going to be hurting. If/when she is on a emotional "high", then you will feel like you could despise her......so it is for "your" good to detach from her all the way.

Again, I am so sorry. I hope you will continue to stay on the board for support b/c you will need it throughout this ordeal.

Take Care,
Sandi

[futureunknown]

Thanks sandi. I am so sad about all this. My W is such a dreamer. It's something I love about her, but it so often leads her to disaster. It hurts me greatly that she'd rather deal with this insane long distance affair rather than be with me and bring our family back together.

Her girlfriends are totally supportive of her and her affair. They say she's so much happier now and outgoing and open about everything, especially sexuality. Makes me very hurt and sad when I've been trying to get her to open up to me for years, but she wouldn't or couldn't. So many other people agree with you Sandi that she's heading down a road of pain and misery. I can understand why she can't see it, but don't her friends see it?

Like I said, I'm trying to completely detach and move on. Whatever happens with her is out of my control and I can't ride her insane roller coaster. I've got to protect myself and my kids.

[sandi2]

I can understand why she can't see it, but don't her friends see it?

I suppose it depends on what type of people she has for "friends". If they are divorced or cheating on their own S's, then that is why some are supportive. Others may find it something to brighten up their dull lives and have something to gossip about. I actually had people to tell me how great I looked and wanted to know what I was doing for myself! I did look good b/c I was "working" at looking great and younger (especially since the OM was younger than me). It was all those false "love" chemicals flooding my brain and gave me that "glow". It sounds sickening now. Try not to blame yourself for her "state of insanity" b/c there is nothing you can do that you have not tried that will cause her to snap out of it, shape up, or stop the on-going fantasy. By the time she discovers the "reality" of her dream.....it will become her nightmare and she won't be able to turn things around to have what she once did.

Some people might tell you to "stand for your marriage" but all of us are different and I believe that if you already know in your heart that it is over and she is not going to turn back to you, that you need to let her go. Someday when she sees what she's done and if you are still around and single......she may even want to go back home to you, but by then.....your feelings for her may be nothing more than pity.

She will have her little "cheerleading group" for a while.....until they grow tried of it and find something else that is more exciting to them. Five years is a long time to wait and by that time, if she is in MLC, she will probably wake up. I really think it will be sooner, but some have been there that long.

As I told you before, you keep coming here to express your feelings and frustration. Keep looking to the board for support b/c even if the M doesn't make it.....we are a community of supporters. We believe in surviving a D if you can't bust it.

Take care,
Sandi