Well I decided I wasn't going to go over to W house between working the concession stand and S's cub scout bonfire...Call the W after working and she is disappointed since she needs to get a new dishwasher and didn't want to take the kids. So I end up going home getting changed and just going over. I shouldn't probably have but it gave me time with the kids...
We go to the bonfire have a good time just chatting laughing ect. On the property is an old house so I tell her that I'm going to go check out the inside, she follows me, I didn't ask her to go. So we're walking through this house and I just wanted so much to just throw her against the wall and start kissing her...didn't...So I was making smores for our kids and I ask W if she wants one sure but she says she likes the marshmallows just just lightly brown not not burnt like me...I make the best damn marshmallows ever apparently even other women were telling me how good they looked, didn't realize it was such a big deal so we shared it.
Driving home my D asks if I'm spending the night, usually I'd take the heat and say no but I wasn't going to do that this time...So W says I don't think so...While I hate that the D says things like this I like it so the W knows the K's want us to be a family.
Now I THINK she was flirting with me during the night looking back and I missed it. The other night talking about the D I told her I wanted a few things for sure...Then during same conv I repeated (in a humorous way) I wanted those things and to ML one more time after the bonfire...Funny thing she didn't say no she said How do you know I don't have plans...Well it gets over at 9pm and do you have a babysitter, she says no, I say great...She just says I'm not sure it's a good idea...BTW there has been NONE since the S.
Looking back I'm wondering if she wanted ME to bring it up again and take charge. One thing she has repeatedly said is she hates making all the decisions and also she doesn't feel she can count on me. The counting on me is why I went over early but I get the feeling I blew it on the ML thing, I think she would have. Also it wasn't just about sex it's about me being decisive.
So I'm not sure STILL where to draw a line with her about being able to count on me and the fact that she wants a D so I shouldn't worry about that anymore.
Me:40 W: 39 T: 17 years M: 15 years S-9 D-6 D final 11/10/2009
"We are all faced with a series of great opportunities brilliantly disguised as insoluble problems."
I understand that after a long sep. ML or bringing it up can be awkward - not to mention the D. talk earlier this week.
I also wonder what W means when she says "she needs to be able to count on you"? Is it about being on time? Doing things for her when asked? Reading her mind? The latter is often a female thing and hard to describe that is why the men in our lives rarely get it right.
I also wonder what W means when she says "she needs to be able to count on you"? Is it about being on time?
I think for her it's interchangeable with trust. I really don't remember specific example where I've told her I would do things and haven't but I know I have. It bothers me that it still concerns her. For example Saturday I told her I was working the concession stand from 12-2pm as I was driving there I KNEW she was going to call to make sure I was still doing it and she did.
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Do you know what you want to see happen?
Right now I would just like her to be open to reconciliation by just trying MC again or dating or whatever and see what happens. I know if she actually opened her mind to it it could/would work. At the same time part of me just wants it over.
Me:40 W: 39 T: 17 years M: 15 years S-9 D-6 D final 11/10/2009
"We are all faced with a series of great opportunities brilliantly disguised as insoluble problems."
Sounds like you just want to move forward one way or another. That's ok, but if your W needs more time would you rather wait or are you ready to let go. Doesn't sound like you want to let go.
Somehow I think you need to have a serious convo about what you want and what she wants. In other words, what will it take for her to work on the M and what will it take for you to work on it? Make these things specific and needs. What keeps you from having that convo with her?
I don't want to let go. I would not initiate the D and I won't move it along any faster than it has to go but I won't do anything to delay it either.
Quote:
Somehow I think you need to have a serious convo about what you want and what she wants. In other words, what will it take for her to work on the M and what will it take for you to work on it? Make these things specific and needs. What keeps you from having that convo with her?
We had this talk and she says there is nothing she can/will do to work on fixing the M. She doesn't want to revisit the old feelings, period. So right now the only thing I can do is wait I guess.
I did something REALLY stupid last night. 99% of the time when I call to talk with the kids her and I always talk after. One day last week I didn't really want to talk with her so I hung up after talking w/k's and she said I hung up on her...Last night she gets on the phone and says hello i say hello and pause and she says well you called here...that really pi$$ed me off...but we talked for a few minutes...Later I call her back and say I didn't appreciate the comment and that maybe it would be best if I just assume she has nothing to say to me and if she does she can just call me back...She didn't like this at all and it turned into a pretty big argument and now I'm not sure where we stand. I just don't like being the one that pretty much initiates every conv we have because I'm calling to talk with the kids. I feel like every once in a while if she wants to talk she should call me and if she doesn't no big deal...
Me:40 W: 39 T: 17 years M: 15 years S-9 D-6 D final 11/10/2009
"We are all faced with a series of great opportunities brilliantly disguised as insoluble problems."
Just caught up on your thread...have your wife talk with me! J/K. You are doing everything I wished my exh would have done. You saw your problem and got help. I am not quite understanding why your W has such an issue of trust that she didn't know about the addiction until after. I don't know many active addicts that announce they are addicts at the dinnertable. When they are in active addiction, they hide it. They want no one to discover it. I am guessing you did too.
Bottom line to me is...you had a problem and got help. That is huge. Unless I am missing some bad behavior somewhere, not sure what her 'trust' issue is or how long she wants to keep the limbo up.
You are sure doing your part in wanting to save the M. Is she willing to go to MC? It may be a good idea to see what her hesitation to recommitting is. 2 years is a long time. Kassie's H is doing well but it hasn't been that long. Mine is still in the gutter and no signs of recovery.
Thanks for posting on my thread. I hope I can help you too.
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
Nope, she says she doesn't want to rehash all the old feelings. Last week when she told me that she was going through with the D and I asked her about MC she said no...She says she still remembers sitting on the couch asking me about the rehab and i didn't want to talk w/her about it...Told her I understood and I'm sorry and I wish I could change that but at the time I was so angry with her for "making" me go.
I'm 99.999% sure that the M is done. Of course the ball's in her court because she has to come up with some kind of agreement that she thinks is fair and I think that's going to be harder than she thinks...
The thing that confuses me with her is that when we're together in person you wouldn't think we have any issues. We laugh, joke around there's no tension whatsoever. That's the hardest part of this. Also the fact that she agrees that if we didn't S the M would have worked out but she isn't willing to work it our now...
Me:40 W: 39 T: 17 years M: 15 years S-9 D-6 D final 11/10/2009
"We are all faced with a series of great opportunities brilliantly disguised as insoluble problems."
Exh and I are the same way. When he comes to see baby the first few minutes are tense. Then we start chatting about something trivial or watch baby and laugh and it becomes so comfortable. Like old times (when he was sober). It makes me so sad as when he walks out the door who knows what world he enters then.
My advice to you is communicate to her that you really dont want the D, but make sure you protect yourself legally. I wouldn't be a jerk, but if this is truly what she wants then so be it, but you won't lose time with your kids in the process.
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
My advice to you is communicate to her that you really dont want the D, but make sure you protect yourself legally. I wouldn't be a jerk, but if this is truly what she wants then so be it, but you won't lose time with your kids in the process.
She knows I don't want it. Last time we talked about it I told her (probably a mistake)that she was being selfish...She asked how...Well you're the only one in the family of four that wants this so I think it's selfish. For you not to want to even TRY to see if we can fix it is selfish.
Me:40 W: 39 T: 17 years M: 15 years S-9 D-6 D final 11/10/2009
"We are all faced with a series of great opportunities brilliantly disguised as insoluble problems."
I told my wife the same thing and she went crazy, somebody told her it was a very brave thing to do. I personally cannot see it in that perspective particularly if your W does not want to engage in C as mine didn't.
No, at the end of the day your W is breaking up a family unit and is only thinking about herself. My W told me she wanted 'me time' as all she has ever done is look after the family. If she has asked me to sit down and talk about our R maybe I wouldn't be going through a D either. I'm afraid your W, like mine is checking out of the marriage.
I will not give up though and I'm sure you won't, its all about DR and patience and plenty of it from what I read.
All the best,
Mark
Bomb dropped: 19/12/08 Me:48 WAW:41 D:10 S:6 Married: 15 years
