Setting Boundaries for MLC Alien H

[kjensen]

Hi IL,
This is purely my opinion-based on common sense and the little I know about alcohol abuse... Your H knows how you feel bout him drinking. He probably feels the same somewhere down deep...its gotten him in trouble with the law-hard to ignore..
I don't think you should apologize for what has already been said. I do think that not saying anything in the future might be a good thing to try-anything to get away from what he'll perceive as nagging or mothering is good. I absolutely do NOT think that makes you an enabler. To me an enabler is someone who covers up and makes excuses for the person with an abuse problem. Your H is a grown man. He knows he has a problem that he needs to keep control over, doesn't he? If not a DUI should be his first clue...Keep quiet, keep the kids out of his car when there's a question of him drinking/driving. He may have to learn some tough lessons, but it may be the only he will get the message. Hang in there!

For me, things that trigger happy memories(his tux/your wedding) now seem to cause sad feelings..seeing happy couples at the mall, seeing things I don't have anymore(and in my pity parties think I won't ever have again)..just make me sad..I understand how you might have felt. I think it gets better in time..I hope so.

[sandi2]

You know Limbo, maybe I should not say this and it may be going too far, but since it is just you and I here talking......

I am going to be very blunt, okay? I think he has you right where he wants you! He is being unfaithful to you. He is going out and having fun without you. He comes home and there you are waiting for him and he knows he can work his magic on you and you cave. I think you need to get his attention! Stop being the meek little woman who stays at home "worrying" about what he is up to.

Maybe he needs to see you in a red sparkling dress with a split up to there. When he asks where you are going, then you tell him that it's not what he thinks. Be just as vague and return some of those answers he has been giving you.

Oh I am not suggesting that you go out looking for men. But I am saying that you are giving me a certain "picture" about you and I don't think that is working for ya. The man has it made! He is cake eating every day and nothing has changed and it is not going to until you get his attention.

Now I know we say to GAL for yourself and to change for yourself, etc. But if you want this man then you need to do something different. Do the same thing and expecting something different is insanity. That is what I was told! You think you are doing 180's but they are not giving a loud enough message. You don't seem to know what you want and I suppose that is why you have the name "in limbo" and I am not beating you up about that, but I am saying that you need to decide what it is you want and set those goals and go after it. Stop sitting on your tale and accepting what crumbs he throws at you. Those crumbs are dirty and you deserve better.

Just my thoughts.

Sandi

[sandi2]

Oh, hi kjensen.......glad you joined in.

[In Limbo]

Sandi and KJ,

Thanks for your thoughts. I completely agree about the alcohol...knew it as it was coming out of my mouth. I do try to mother too much, always have. I'm working on it and will keep doing so.

Sandi said the drinking may have had something to do with OW. I think you're right. Something happened yesterday between when I spoke with him at 4:15 (he was on his way to S7s ballgame) and 5:00 (was very angry and now no time to come to S7s ballgame). That's when he went home and drank. Made me wonder if she was supposed to go and cancelled on him. I'll never know, but something certainly happened.

You're right about the cake eating and it makes me crazy. I do need to decide what I want (I'm getting closer, things are getting clearer) and I think your ideas for getting his attention are good. I'm not sure how they'll work out as he'll just write them off to "faking it" like he has every other change he's made. I did go out this past week, but was out of town so H didn't even know about it. I have plans to go out Thursday night, but he won't be home. I'll have to think about what I could do that would be authentic (not just doing for him to see) and visible to him and get his attention.

[In Limbo]

Sandi,

One other thought. I agree completely with you that what he's doing is unacceptable. So much of this MLCer stuff it unacceptable. Every day it makes me wonder why I'm standing. But isn't that the problem with MLCers? What I'm trying to weed through is how much of this is due to MLC and how much of it is his true character that will still be there post-MLC. Is this person really someone that I should fight to be with? What have I seen in his character pre-MLC and maybe ignored b/c I loved him so? So the question is how much can I take now, but also what have I taken in the past that I shouldn't have and would I really want that for the future? It's odd b/c three years ago I was almost WAW and now he's MLC. So, maybe there have been deep problems all along that indicate we're wrong for each other? Or maybe we're meant to be together, but we've just not yet learned to deal with the problems?

[In Limbo]

Sandi,

Ok, I lied. ONE MORE THING (promise last one). Since you were on the other side of having an EA, I'd like to get your take on something. Friday H told me he holds a lot of resentment toward me for "alienating" him from OW. Post-bomb and pre-DB I had asked him not to have any contact with her. Now, as of a week ago I know they were still talking/texting/meeting for lunch, so I'm thinking something happened this week. At any rate, I've read that if spouse has to give up OP they go through withdrawal, etc. But how do I handle H having resentment toward me for wanting him to cease contact with OW? At the time, I did question how I've alientated him since he has had contact with her since (didn't disclose that I know how much how recently), but I did not defend my position. I see this as just another sign of how uncommitted he is to me and working on our R. I've never known H to forgive anyone when he feels they've broken his trust or wronged him. It's sad b/c when you can't forgive it just festers inside you and I think that's part of what's led him to MLC. Now he feels I've done both. Anyway, did you ever got through resenting your H for discovering your EA? Is there anything I should do or just listen if/when he brings it up again?

[sandi2]

Now man that takes the cake doesn't it? He resents he wife from keeping him from his OW! Well, that is the mind of a WAS, however, not all of them are so brazen as to actually word it to their S.

You will always be seen as the bad guy as long as he is in MlC, IMHO. There are very few that come around right away to see what a jewel they have in their spouse b/c most of them can't stand who they are M too! Some women have stood by their M for years and would finally have their H's to return home and then have to wait another year before hearing that he loved her. I don't know that I could do it! However, I am probably constructed out of a different make-up than those who can endure it. It takes all kinds of women and I don't think I would do it, but who knows until you are in the stitch? I think you need to talk to more people that have been in the MLC w's shoes b/c I am afraid I will tell you the wrong thing. If you can find imLin's thread on the MLC forum, she is very good help. Also, AmyC is somewhere on one of these forums and she would help. Those were my two that helped me so much. Both H's suffered years of MLC. One's H came back, and one didn't--unless it has been recently.

I'm afraid I would tell you to forget this man and move on with your life until he comes to his sense, b/c you would be happier than living in the same house and seeing on a daily bases him draining you bit by bit of your life. The roller coaster ride you would be on......I don't know if it is worth it.....only you can determine that. I do believe if his A is exposed and the excitment and secrecy is worn off that it won't be near as much fun for them. If you remove yourself from the picture (and I don't mean divorce, I just mean remove yourself from his presence or even the house if necessary) then I think it will blow over. He may or may not turn to another woman, but he could do that if you stayed with him. Go talk to some people in MLC and get some advice.

Sandi

[In Limbo]

Sandi,

Thanks for your feedback. I've been reading a lot of the posts in the MLC forum and I've come to the same conclusion you've spoken. I will go check out the folks you recommend and ask around for advice. But right now I don't think I can continue this facade. I am not a person with great self-esteem anyway and living in this environment where I'm not good enough to be his wife but good enough to be his maid, cook, errand runner, sex provider, etc. while he lies, pursues someone else and keeps me out of most all parts of his life is draining me and I feel quite used. We have MC session Thursday and I think it's time to get real and make the separation more formal. I'm not saying D, but a full separation. If he files for D, so be it. I am not prepared to do that at this time, but don't think it's healthy to continue with the current arrangement either.

[peacetoday]

In
there are other approaches than DB
read tough love by james dobson..this may be the spproach you need
IN my opinion DB is for us..there is absolutely no guarantee that it will work to restore a M
it may and in many cases may not
You have to put yourself first and sometimes this may be a clearer message to get it all out in open than sugar coat it for our H
peace

[In Limbo]

Peace,
My C mentioned that same book. I'll get it and read it as well. Maybe approaching things that way would be a 180 that would help me break out of the cycle of accommodating him and acquiescing just to keep the peach. I don't thing there are any guarantees that any approach will restore a M. I get so angry with myself because I'm such a strong person in so many areas of my life, but when it comes to H, I allow him to manipulate me and just turn to a puddle. I'll never survive that way - gotta draw on my strength and detach - detach - detach.