I don't consider him to be a BF because there is no sexual contact - no kissing, no caressing, no sex. To me that is the difference between dating and being friends. Currently I have no desire to do any of those things with him and I'm not sure I ever will again. Right now we are only friends. Friends who happen to not be dating other people.
I understand what you're saying about putting myself in the right frame of mind to move forward.
Pondering...
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
It's just gone. I think when I decided I was done I turned it all off. And now when I look at him there is simply no spark, no urge to just touch or kiss him like there used to be.
I'm sure knowing that he was with another woman has something to do with it.
Last edited by pearlharbr; 05/14/0910:38 PM.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
I'd say it's because you don't trust him therefore you can't be intimate with him.
With women it's all about emotions, so if you can't feel like you can't be vulnerable and open to him in your head, you're not going to be open to him physically.
Right now you're in a bit of a Catch-22 unless one or both of you change. Alot of our WAWs are like that. They "switch" off their attraction for us after they've opened themselves up to another person and feed their emotions into that the OP. Finding a way to turn that switch back on is the hardest thing to do.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Stuck, you're right, trust is a major issue. I feel like I don't want to go there (sex) because it requires opening myself up and being extrememly vulnerable. But as MWD points out in SSM, sometimes you just have to suck it up and do it and the emotional connection will follow. So I took the first step...
We went out to dinner Fri night. He says let's try the restaurant we talked about a few weeks ago. I say sounds good, do you want me to make a reservation? It's a popular place, Fri night, prime time...no, he says, let's just wing it. Grrr. This is a recurring theme in our R, he refuses to plan and then is surprised when things are full. He hates that I want to plan in advance but is happy when he finds out I got the last room/table/etc. We arrive at the restaurant and, lo and behold, without a reservation it will be at least a 45 minute wait. I shoot him an "I told you so" look but didn't say anything. Luckily some spots at the bar opened up as we were walking out so we were able to eat there.
After dinner we went back to the house but I asked if we could hang at his apt instead. I thought if I was dating someone new I would want to see his place, plus it's something different for us. So we took a movie over there and watched it while he packed for his trip back to his home town. We were cuddling on the bed (he only took one tv and no sofa) and when I got up to leave he held on to me and told me to stay. So I did. I leaned over and kissed him and he started kissing me back but I started thinking about him kissing OW and turned away. He continued to kiss my neck and I freaked out a little and started crying.
We both slept on and off and around 3 am we were both awake so I started to explain what had freaked me out earlier. I said I know it's something I'm going to have to work through but I just don't know how to do that right now. I don't know how to forget that he had sex with OW in our house. I don't know if knowing the details will help or hurt - should I get rid of the sofa or am I better off not knowing? How do I get the images of the two of them together out of my head? What we had is not special anymore, he shared things with her that were only supposed to be shared with me. He said there's nothing he can do but give me the time. I said what I need from him right now is to be reassured that he chose me, he wants to be with me because he loves me and he's committed to being open and communicating so we can work on our issues and see if this relationship can work for both of us. I know it's a mouthful so maybe we can come up with a code word or signal that he can use to convey that message. He came up with "pumpernickel." I laughed. So that's our new code word.
Another issue is what he will tell his parents about what's going on with us when he is home. He said nothing because it's none of their business. I disagree. What did he tell them when I didn't show up for Christmas? Nothing. So he let them think it was about me and my decision to not visit them, knowing full well his mom already thinks I don't like them and don't want to spend time with them. (I don't think he knows that I did tell his parents what was going on for precisely that reason.) It goes to the bigger issue: he thinks he didn't involve anyone else in our problems because he didn't tell them, but he did involve them through his actions. He involved his coworkers by carrying on with OW in front of them. He involved his family by not explaining my sudden absence.
We slept some more when we woke up in the morning it felt better. We made out for a bit then I went home. He's gone for a week. I think some time apart will give me some breathing room.
But in the spirit of working to move forward, xBF will be henceforth referred to as BF.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
PH, You posted to my thread a few weeks ago and with everything that's been going on for me I never had a chance to reply. But I have been keeping up on your sitch and I have to say I agree with everyone here saying you need to slow down here a bit.
It takes TIME. Right now I can picture your BF knowing he F'd up bad and not knowing how to deal with what he's done to you. He most likely thinks that not telling you simple little details that mean nothing to him would do nothing but hurt you. My W is doing/does the same things. What they just don't realize is every lie, even if it's a lie by omission, over nothing is like sticking a dagger in our hearts. For me, I just keep thinking to myself, that's all she's capable of right now.
Maybe you try that with your BF? Maybe try the "I know we're going to make it" thought and pattern your actions/thoughts after that and see where it takes you? Won't be easy. Trust me, I know.
I hear what you're saying about opening up and being vulnerable. But if you don't, you're never going to make it.
Just my .02.
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
Reading through your thread for the first time in almost a week I think, I see a lot of good things happening. The way you describe BF (good move I think!!) paints the picture of a guy that does really want you. Like was said earlier, he knows he f'ed up, but apologizing for that over and over again only brings it back to the surface. Giving you the details, same thing. It's better to just turn your thoughts to the future rather than try to understand the past, that's only going to bring hurt back up. Treat it like a brand new R, because that is what it is!
