Tonight is a perfect example of my dilemma. My son had a little league baseball game. The kids are with my W until tomorrow, so she brings them to the game. I'm not going to skip the game just to stay dark. So there I am, sitting at the game. My W apparently likes to sit next to me, because she always does. I brought some drinks and snacks for my kids, of course I'm going to offer her some, I'm not a jerk. So there we are, sharing snacks, chatting and watching the game. Our conversations stays light, and we joke around with each other. The environment is so conducive to warm and friendly interaction. I would be miserable if I purposely avoided my W, and by proxy, my kids, and sat by myself on the other side of the field. But it's also true that these times together do make it hard for me to stay detached. Afterwards she asks if I'd like to get pizza with them, and my son is looking up at me jumping up and down and saying "yes, yes, yes, yes!" So I said okay, and went and had pizza with them.
As our R has improved, I'm more and more just being myself during these times, and not so guarded. My W seems to genuinely like me again. She chats freely, and teases me, and even initiates some physical contact, like putting her hand on my shoulder. Could I go to these things and be "darker"? Sure, I guess so. It would feel totally fake to me, like I'm not being true to myself, and it would probably make my kids anxious. Is this giving my W the idea that "Hey, this being separated isn't so bad?" Maybe it is. I don't know what else to do!
Conversely, when I'm not at events like this, I am quite dark. My contact with my W is very limited and essentially only to discuss kid issues, of which there are plenty given our young brood of three. In confusedinpa's thread, Coach says to be the best you possible at events like these, then be dark at all other times. I think that's the strategy I'll need to embrace given my situation.
As a side note, interestingly, each time I see my W at these games, she's always wearing the perfume she knows I like, and she has makeup and lipstick on. She even mentioned that she sprayed the perfume on right before she came to the game after I teasingly commented how strong the perfume cloud was around her! One of my friends has commented that she seems like she's trying to attract me and/or make me jealous. Why in the world would she want to do that? She left me, she said she doesn't love me, she had an affair she's shown no remorse over, she apparently is happy being separated. I've been pretty solid with my position that I'm fine without her, and my life is going well. Maybe she just wants me to say or do something to prove to her that I'm still hers.
Maybe I gave my W what she wanted. Don't know if this is a backslide or not. I had to get some stuff for the kids from her house, and I brought the kids in with me. I'm in a very good mood, I just ran four miles and the endorphins are going strong. Plus, my W has been very friendly and even flirting a little over the last couple days. She's dressed up to go to a party and she looks awesome. I'm all smiles, and the kids are all around us. I was standing very close to her kidding around a little, and there was a very good vibe in the room. My young daughter looks at us and asks very cutely "Are you two in love?" I looked straight at my W and waited for a reply. She got a little flustered and delayed looking at me, but after a moment she looked at me and said "A kind of love, a very special bond and friendship." I reached out and we tightly hugged, I kissed her on the shoulder, then I pulled back and cradled her face in my hands like I used to, looked in her eyes and smiled at her. She didn't stop me or pull away, nor did she say anything. I let the moment end and said we should get going.
Funny, I just read your post above the comment I responded to. Boy do I relate. This is some kind of bizarre purgatory and honestly I vacillate between feeling like the most together woman in the world (managing my emotions, being on with H when he's around and then dark when he's not) and other times I feel physically ill and like I am a rat on one of those balls just running tirelessly to nowhere.
I think the point is that this choice to DB does require growth (which of course is painful) and risk (because we are choosing to believe it is worth the effort). I try to remind myself that this is not for H but for me and that if he walks away from a S who is willing to work this hard and be this incredible, too bad for him and I'll move on. Still, we know what we want here and the little flickers of hope are like whiffs of hot soup coming from some house and we're starving and can't tell if it is a mile away or right in our own kitchens (I love my metaphors... :/).
Sometimes I wonder what alternative I have anyway. I have friends who have gotten divorced and no matter how they play it, it hurts. We are just trying to go through this as consciously as is humanly possible, right?
It is a bizarre purgatory. I have faith I'll come out the other side a better person, either with my W or not. Raising kids together, particularly young kids, makes detaching extremely hard, and they are like a gravity, pulling us together. My W resists the pull because she's a WAW, I resist the pull because I'm DBing and I need to protect myself, but sometimes it's exhausting fighting that pull.
DBing does require growth, which makes it hard, but satisfying. It is forcing me to be a better person in almost every way. The only risk I feel is potentially the loss of time moving on, if that's where I eventually end up. I do know that I have to get to a place where I'm 100% ok without my W before I can be my most attractive to her (or anyone else, for that matter). I'm about 75% right now.
One thing has occurred to me lately that concerns me. I think deep down my W is ashamed of her A, but she desperately wants to believe it was acceptable given that she perceived our M as over. She portrayed it to her friends as an exciting and wonderful new relationship. She told them our M was over a long time ago, and that the decision to end our M was mutual between us, giving her a get-out-of-adultery-free card. If she acknowledges that our M has any future, then she has to accept that she was a cheater and adulterer. She will fight very hard and very long to deny that. The sad thing is, I know her and she won't be able to maintain that lie and illusion forever. There will come a day when the truth will come crashing down on her and she'll have to face what she did, and she'll hate herself and regret what she did. Will I still be around then? Who knows?
I just found out my W's A is back on completely. I'm pretty devastated. I thought if it was a flash in the pan, maybe there was a chance we could start to rebuild something, but it's clear to me now she's in for the long haul. I don't think DBing is really in the cards right now. I'm just going to completely detach, go as dark as I can, and move on with my life. Don't know how much more I'll be posting here. Thank you everyone for your kindness and support.
Man, I am sorry for the big setback. I know you're torn up over it. This is a hard way to live. You love your wife, you love your family, and your marriage vows mean something to you. Some people, probably many people, are able to justify their actions...no matter how wrong they are! That doesn't change the fact that you love your wife and your family. It ain't over till the judge says it's over...and even then, people still get back together. Someone posted here recently that patience is the companion of wisdom! Detatch, as much as you can, like you said you need to do. Another poster wrote recently 'let her go, in your mind and in your soul, let her go. It's a decision. It's convincing yourself that you have no control over anybody other than yourself.' Now I know this is easier said than donew, but many here have done it...so it can be done. You don't have to give up...but, according to these people who have done it...you can let it go completely.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
