given that this last R was pretty hectic to say the least, I'd think it's normal you feel that way, that doesnt' mean you'll always feel that way. After you are all healed and gotten things on the right track then you reassess what you want. There is no hurry, go at your own pace, we all have learned here that we dont' need a R with someone else to be happy. Live one day at a time G.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Today isn't a good day. I find myself going back to my "dark place" (this is my name for my not knowing what I want from life). I can't seem to break through this wall I've created. I've been talking to my XF. Last night I told him that I was going to look into a place to call my own and he told me that he didn't want to hear it, I was stressing him, he went on and on about his issues. And, in the grand scheme of things his are so much more than my need to find a place. He really has some serious health issues. Anyway, he ripped me up again and now I feel guilty for everything....again.... I know I asked for it when I said in not so many words, that I was moving on. He said he loves me but he doesn't have the time to put into this relationship. I had his undivided attention in the past, I had everything, there was nothing he wouldn't do for me and yet I didn't even try to make him happy. And, you know what? He's right. I could have cared less. I was so beaten down by life, that I couldn't get out of my own way. So it starts again, I feel like crap, I feel guilty, I feel that I hurt someone who didn't deserve to be hurt and I don't like feeling like this. I can't seem to put myself back together. I am again feeling like I'm in limbo again. I want to heal, but for some reaason, I can't get there. I know what I have to do, yet I can't move - I'm paralized.
are you still living with him or something? if not, then why are you telling him your plans to find a place? or is it that he thinks there is still a R going on? stop doing things that are just damaging you.
Whatever you did/didnt do is in the past, and only a very cruel person would rip you up again telling you how little your pain is compared to his.
Forgive yourself, because God already has, who are you to question him? to tell you that he gave his Son up for nothing? he died for all the stuff we did, let him heal you, believe that you are forgiven, because you are.
So, you can either beat up yourself and go nowhere, or you can decide today to move on, find the place you were talking about and DO something NOW. For crying out loud, STOP talking to him! you get nothing! whatever it is you are trying to get out of him you won't get it, he is angry and unforgiving, stop going back for more punishment.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
I'm not sure that I have self-abusive tendencies. I think I have more of an identity crises. I once believed that I was a giving person, caring and had a lot of love to give. Now I feel selfish, uncaring, watching my back because I know someone is going to stab me if they get the chance. I have every guard up! I don't ever want to feel the pain and the hurt that I had.
I don't WANT someone controlling me! And, in my past R they didn't. I think that's what happened with my marriage. I had the money, I had the independence, I had control on how we decorated, etc. I didn't NEED anyone, I chose to be with them and when my XH chose to have an affair when I gave up everything, in the end I got screwed. Yep, I guess I'm bitter and angry so when my XF want me to give up everything again - all of my savings to buy a house, my paycheck to provide for living expenses, I get very nervous and I react badly.
Anyway, I am looking at property to buy this weekend and hopefully that will work out and I can finally be free. I think it's a step in the right direction and I so want to do the right thing for me. Yet, because my judgment is so impared, I'm not sure I'll make the right decisions. I'm really scared.
I know my XF is a controlling person. He now is making rude comments about me and my roommate (a female that I've known for 20 plus years). He is jealous of my friendship with her and that I'm making plans to shop with her, etc. He makes me feel as though I'm obligated to him. He makes me feel like I'm walking on eggshells, he makes me feel like I owe him for everything he's done for me. Classic signs, huh? Why is it so hard to be done with this relationship? Why can't I break this off? Why is so dang hard for me? Why do I do this? I swear, I don't know what the heck got into me.
I really need to end this, once and for all. Yet, he's like a habit to me. Why am I making this so hard?
well, you keep feeding him info about your life he'll keep hurting you with it. disconnect your phone, block his calls, DO something to force yourself to stop this.
We all learn from mistakes, and there are time we all prob don't make the smartest decisions, but so what? it's your life, just do your homework before you buy the house, check it out with a friend, and stop secondguessing yourself so much, you will do just fine.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
