Setting Boundaries for MLC Alien H

[peacetoday]

Limbo
I knmw this is hard
I always felt standing was not a waste of time
not only for the samke of our children and M
but for my own individual growth
during this process, I gained more emotional growth than during any other point in my life
there is no way out of this even if you quit
and the way I see it now ( I didnt always see this)
is it doesnt really matter what happens in the end
the emotional growth and stability of the children even without H is most important
so give yourself tim,e
yes, Its all very unacceptable
and at some point maybe with the help of MC or DB couselor you can decide what to do about the intimacy issues you face
if you are violatating yourself by being with your H
it is something to look at
sometimes boundries are needed
peace

[In Limbo]

Peace,
Thank you. I can see how this is a bit like a metamorphasis. They say if a butterfly doesn't struggle out of the cacoon (if you cut the cacoon open), it will die. I can actually see how I will be better for going through this, regardless of the result. Not that I'm saying I think anyone should ever have to go through this.

H and I just had a R talk, initiated by him. I'm not sure how I'd score myself. I did try to validate and listened. He is re-writing history (now I've treated him like he was nothing for 20 years!) but I know that's script MLC stuff. I could not validate that and did tell him that I disagreed and that he was re-writing history. Is that poor DB or is it ok? I didn't challenge him or push on it any more, just stated my point and moved on. I did end up breaking down as usuall (bad), but at this point I'm not sure it matters. He is so dead set on my changes not being real and is finding every reason he can think of to not work on the M. Now he's saying his EA is no worse than me being dishonest about my eating habits (I have struggled with an binge/overeating disorder for many, many years) because they are both lies and one sin is no greater than any other. I guess this is typical when we make changes. It's easier to walk out on the b*#ch than someone who's making positive changes and treating you well.

I did tell him tonight that while I do not want him to go, do not want our M to be over (ok, old one over but want new one with H), but that if he feels this way then he needs to go. I didn't say it mean, as in "GET THE HECK OUT" but tried to say it in a loving way. It's not what I want and he knows that, but I don't think the current arrangement is healthy for me or the boys and it's not allowing H to be on his own and have time to experience that. So now I wait and see what he does.....

[Grace_O]

Limbo,

Validating doesn't mean that you agree with what is said. It just means you understand that the other person feels that way. Telling them that they're rewriting history doesn't usually help. It's what they are remembering or rationalizing at the moment.

You sound ok all things considered. How are you holding up?

[In Limbo]

Grace,

How I'm holding up depends on the moment. Got to have lunch today with one of my longest friends (we met when I was about 6!) and that was great. Didn't plan on sharing what was going on, but ended up doing so. Turns out she has been being pursued by a man at work and has the beginnings of an EA going on. She's married to a wonderful man and I think our conversation helped give her a wakeup call about that slippery slope. It also helped me feel a little more like me again, being with someone who's known me so long, since way before H and loves me no matter what.

I know telling him about rewriting history was wasted breath, but I couldn't hold it in. Discipline is not my strong suit. Of all things I could have not held in, that's probably the least devastating one. I could have lashed out about OW but I didn't.

H is at dance class, but will be home soon. I will not initiate any R talk and will do my best to DB if he does. I won't bring up him leaving again, but I think it's really just come to a head for him and the best thing may be for him to go out on his own and see what happens. It kills me, but now that he's moved to being angry (this is new) at me for changing now and never before, I don't know if we can continue this roller coaster of separation weekdays and together weekends. In time he'll see my changes are for real. Will it be enough? Will it be too late? Will I still be standing? Only God knows.

[Grace_O]

Limbo,

Lunch sounds like it was good for both of you. I was able to meet with a friend today too. Always a nice treat.

It wook my H over a year to move out post bomb. In some ways I think it's harder with them at home. Just keep on working the changes you'd like to see in yourself.

I hope you have a good evening.

[In Limbo]

Grace,
Would you mind telling me - did you ask him to leave or did he just finally decide to go?

I'm wondering if the odds of having the chance to create new M change with full separation versus in-home separation.

It's a tough evening as I'm at home while H is out. It's been a long work week and I'm just exhausted. Did have a fun night last night though. Went to a blues bar with some co-workers and it was a lot of fun. Haven't told H. Not hiding it, it just hasn't come up and I'm not sure it needs to.

I am working on several changes. They are for me, but I'd be lying if I said theyr'e not in hopes of attracting H as well. But I will continue them regardless of what happens with H. I'm continuing to lose weight (40 lbs now!), exercising, listening more, engaging friends more, taking advantage of opportunities to go have fun (like blues bar), not criticizing H, doing a better job keeping house tidied, reading and studying meaningful books (many self-help, some inspirational), setting goals and following up, etc......

Tomorrow night he'll be out as well at a formal black tie party and he's working tomorrow and Sunday. So, I need to get some GAL stuff going before I lose my mind. Tomorrow I'll take the boys to the Y. I'll work out and then let them swim. Tomorrow night we'll do a movie, bowling or something. I may also call a friend across town whose sons were their best friends before we moved. She's just had a baby and we need to go visit them. So that will take care of tomorrow and tomorrow night.

[Grace_O]

did you ask him to leave or did he just finally decide to go?

He left on his own. I think it's what had to happen regardless.

I'm wondering if the odds of having the chance to create new M change with full separation versus in-home separation.

For me, what I believe now, is that we wouldn't have any chance if he had stayed. Not b/c of him, but b/c of me. I was too stuck and tiptoeing around on those eggshells was exhasuting. I didn't realize how much so till he'd been go awhile. I would say it's taken me alot longer to detach (and still struggle on the rare occasion) b/c he comes here to visit girls once a week. No, they don't go stay with him.

Great job on the weight and exercising! All of it really. And yes, I know he's part of the motivation (and would have carded you on it), but don't let that take away from the acheivements. Just make sure they are changes

you

want. That he might like and appreciate them on some level can just float out there for now.

How are the boys holding up?

[In Limbo]

We still haven't told the boys. Obviously, they know something is going on. But we had committed early on to tell them together and haven't done that yet. S11 is my tenderhearted child and is extremely perceptive. He can tell when I've been crying and just walks up and hugs me and says "I love you Mom" then tries to tell me something funny or interesting to get my mind off whatever it is that made me cry. I'm trying not to cry in front of them, but sometimes it still happens. I'm most worried about S11 b/c he already holds a lot of resentment toward his dad and I can see that growing and the potential for him to think he needs to protect me or be on my side. I am trying to build his dad up to him whenever I get a chance, but he is very bright and can see his dad's actions for what they are.

I haven't read up on the stages of MLC. Can someone explain if something triggers each stage or if they are all just stages MLCers swing in and out of or what?

[In Limbo]

If anyone is reading tonight, I need some advice. Tonight H went to a formal party w/o me. When I got home from H7's ballgame, he was still here - which I did not expect and was unprepared for. Seeing him in a tux was very difficult b/c the last time I saw him in one was our wedding day 15 years ago. It was tense. Then I made what I think is a blunder. I noticed 3 beer bottles in the garbage can. Now, less than a month ago H got a DUI and hasn't been drinking since. Last night he had 2 beers and drove home. So when I saw the beer bottles, I said to him "did you drink 3 beers?" and asked him to please call me tonight if he didn't need to drive home. He got agitated and said he wasn't going to drink there and gave me a look. I have been doing so well not having the nagging/controlling behavior that he dislikes but I have a hard time not saying something when it's related to something as serious as DUI. I don't think I should apologize for what I said. In the future, should I just keep my mouth shut? My concern is that he's starting down that slippery slope of drinking again and it's going to go from 2 beers to 3 beers to 12+ and then driving. I know I can't make his decisions for him and a 180 would be to not say anything. But is that being an enabler?

[sandi2]

Hey sweetie, yes I am reading tonight. I tell ya, you have a lot more patient than I could have with that man of yours! In the first place, if a formal event is not the environment that "you think it is" then why doesn't he allow you to be there to see for yourself and set your mind at ease once and for all? I don't believe him for a minute! Any man that is taking dance lessons and is on the up and up, would want to "show off" for his wife to see what he has accomplished......right? I just could not put up with it......but that is me, not you. You have to decide how much you can endure. It is all too fishy!

About the drinking. I would feel just as you do about it. However, here's the thing......you cannot be his mother! That is how men look at us when we start talking to them like you were talking to your H. In fact, you even sounded like his mother to me! So, it will make him worse, actually, for you to bring it up. He is guilty and he resents you pointing out his faults and especially when he got a DUI. He is a grown man who knows when he is screwing up! If he is stupid enough to do it, what can you do? Nagging him or acting hurt or threatening him will do no good whatsoever. I know......it is very hard to keep our mouths shut. You asked if keeping your mouth shut about his drinking would be an enabler? NO! It is treating him like he is responsible for his own stupid actions.

I suspect something with the OW happened that made him decide to drink, but maybe he needs no "excuse". Maybe he was celebrating his formal evening! Who knows? At any rate, it is wrong but you can't change it. You just have to decide if you will live in it or not.

Sandi