Something I have been repeating to myself through it all - esp. when po'd... is I need to deal with things with dignity and respect if for only myself esteem. Get the anger out on your own and deal with her as stated.
Going dark sounds like a healthy idea right now. Only with the kids it is more like "grey".
And keep talking here where others can give support.
Maybe its time to play hardball with her and show her what a D means then. Its not fun and mutual. Its gut wrenching and tears people apart.
I like the way you are putting the chips in her corner. Make her give you a fair plan. Thats good. She is nuts if she thinks she can have it all. No judge is going to grant that.
Something else I learned. Find out if your judge is a dad friendly judge. Mine is. My judge had to raise his 2 kids on his own and doesn't care about the emotional crap that a WAS may bring. I couldn't expect a better judge.
If its not a dad friendly judge, ask for another judge. Your L if you have one should know who is.
Its worth checking into if you have to go to court.
If I were you, I would give her a list of what you want since she appears to think this is all a big game and yall can still be buddy buddy. If you give her that list and are firm about it, it may start to sink in to her that this is just going to be a mutal thing between yall. I don't know if it will help you. But what could it hurt? It would force her to realize reality.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
So we talked again late last night her telling me she can't figure out what's "fair". She suggested that her DAD look it over because she thinks he'd be fair...me LMAO...Now I think her Dad is an honest great guy but no way would he be objective.
Then she starts telling me about stuff I did two years ago, not sharing with or talking to her enough ect...I asked her do you think we'd be here if we didn't S, she said probably not...So you think we would have worked things out if we weren't S but you're not willing to try, sorry that makes no sense. She tells me there's too much past hurt. Well you're choosing to hang onto those feelings instead of moving past them...She said it's not a choice...I see this is going nowhere so I end the call and tell her to email me her idea of what's fair...Then one last dig from her that I'm controlling her by telling her to email it too me, wtf, what else am I supposed to say just keep it to yourself and I'll just guess what you're thinking...
Me:40 W: 39 T: 17 years M: 15 years S-9 D-6 D final 11/10/2009
"We are all faced with a series of great opportunities brilliantly disguised as insoluble problems."
So I'm not sure what to do about tomorrow. I'm working a concession stand from 12-2 after was going to go to W's to hang out till my S's cub scout campfire at 6pm. I was doing this because its about 45min drive each way for me. Part of me thinks I should still just go to her house that way I get time with kids other part says that's not very dark at all...
Me:40 W: 39 T: 17 years M: 15 years S-9 D-6 D final 11/10/2009
"We are all faced with a series of great opportunities brilliantly disguised as insoluble problems."
V - Like I said earlier - there is no real dark time when you share children. It changes to this: have whatever contact you want with the kids and only talk to W if it has to do with the kids (aside from polite social greetings). No other talk with W. Let the L do the D talk if there needs to be talk of fairness. If you agree to talk about what is "fair" then as you noted, R talk occurs.
You have the difficult position of deciding to "work it out between you" and not go dark in hopes of reconciliation or "let the L's talk and stay dark".
I know if may be the difference between an easier D financially or not. It still sounds like their is a R to attend to. If you don't want this then let her work through L's and not be able to talk to you. Both still have to sign on the dotted line. It is an intimidating process and maybe without you to talk to through it - well, maybe she will reconsider. You can always refuse to sign and hang on for awhile. I know you have been at this for two years - it seems like a long time - but I personally don't hear that it is over for the two of you. Like you thought - I hear fear - not about D but about working through things.
She is copping out when she says she has trust issues still that she cannot work out. It is definitely under one's control to forgive and let go. You understand that, she still needs to learn how. Can you help her with that?
Pardon me also for sticking another opinion here -but I think I read earlier that you mentioned being afraid more of working it out than D. What are your issues? (You don't have to say) just think.
One last thing to say - I think you have a lot to offer her - I wish you could find a way to and I know you do too - to find the key that opens her up.
