WAH#3

[Startingover2]

Glad you had a good day. I did too.

I wasn't sure if the article was for you, but thought I would run it by you anyway. It sure summed up my life.

[kassie]

Silver Fox,

Just wanted to say Hi! and thanks for pointing out how H is pursuing me. I forget that he is working so hard sometimes when things don't go so well. H has 100 days!

[kassie]

I am having a hard time - thinking too much - mostly how much I am afraid that I cannot go forward with H as much as he is trying. Maybe MC will shed some light when we get there. In the mean time I told him I wasn't ready to move in together and he is still pushing for it. It just feels like too much for me right now.

[silvagod]

Kass,

Before you get lost in your feelings again, remember where you were a couple of weeks ago and thaat you felt better than you do now. Don't let yourself slip back into the same state of mind.

Ease up on yourself and just take what you want out of each day and let the rest slip by.

Don't presuppose that MC may help, don't even think about it until you get there. That way, whatever comes out of it will be useful and not disappointing.

Chin up girl!

[Startingover2]

Agree with Silva. Just keep on with your day and don't make any decisions yet. See what happens in MC. It may make things clearer or it may not.

Either way you have proven to yourself you don't need H nor to be married. It would be nice, but you are not settling.

[kassie]

I'm listening. A few weeks ago I gave H a chance and it was good. What was good was a change in attitude and communication with me. His mind was more open and we were talking through differences, accepting more etc.
When he reverted back to old ways, so did I. He recovered and apologized and opened up thoughts and feelings he had that blew me away in a good way. I was still the angry one and wouldn't respond right away. When I didn't, he reverted again. And then made a come back the same day. Voiced even deeper thoughts and feelings.
I have been torn between not being comfortable with moving back in together and making any definitive plans for the future because of the recent changeability.
He is putting pressure on me to move back in, but has added that he wants to talk to the kids and offer to work things out with them staying home if they want to change their plans. He says he has accepted his role as a stepfather, accepted we are a family and is ashamed of his prior behavior. Ashamed of how he treated his "family" by not recognizing them as such.

His words are everything I want to hear. My fears are still present, fear of living under the same roof, fear of him not being able to handle things, fear of being hurt again. My fears keep me from wanting to be close to him right now.

I have been trying to find a way to reconcile my fear of him, and wanting to be supportive of the changes in attitude. He says he will be accepting of whatever my decisions are.

After reading the feedback I think I have figured it out... see what you think...

I can tell him that i am not ready to have him move back in... I know he has to give notice in the next few weeks... it isn't my problem - it is his to figure out right? We have yet to start MC and there is no way to know how that will go. If I can't give him a date to move in - then it is "his" decision to give notice and take his chances or not give notice and deal with the separation longer than wanted right?

I have been accepting the pressure of making a decision within his timing instead of putting it back on him. It is a sucky sitch with the apt wanting 90 days notice of a move out and only offering 12 month leases at a time instead of month to month. I guess that is his problem to solve right?

I just have to express my feelings that I am not ready and let him deal with it. Right? Let me know what you think? Back to my solid self ? It feels that way. Thanks! I feel so much better!

It is true that I know I can survive with or without him, but he is finally doing things the way I wanted, with a few setbacks along the way which is to be expected. I can see tonight that my problem is that I assume too much responsibility for decisions and need to share it more. Wow... I really feel much better.

Thanks for reading!

[Startingover2]

Sounds like you feel alot of pressure from him. He is feeling pressure to give notice or not and whether he is going to move. Like you said...that is his problem. I wouldn't rush the move back until you know things are ironed out for good.

(((Kass)))

[silvagod]

Kass,

I am glad that you are feeling your own internal strength has returned. That is the main thing for you.

Regarding the apartment and notice etc. I would agree with you that it is H's problem. However, if there is a possibility that you may reconcile and move back together prior to the annual lease finishing, then why not dicuss this possibility with H. Be honest and tell him that you cannot say for certain when or if, but at some point in the future, you may be in a position together to move in. Tell him that you don't like the pressure, you want to make a decision that you BOTH are happy with. If that means that you may have to sort out the accommodation later in the year, so be it. It's his problem whether he is willing to allow this to happen. He has to be agreeable to your wishes as you need to take his into account (albeit on a lesser basis)

If he is serious about change and is willing to make the effort, then he should also be willing to renew his lease and sort out what to do when the time is right.

It's your call Kass, don't be pressured. Pass that mantle to H!

[kassie]

I told H yesterday that I didn't feel comfortable with the idea of making plans to move back in right now. That could change in a few months if we continue to work things out. The evidence of my willingness I explained to him is that a few weeks ago I said yes to Aug, but when he resorted to old patterns of pulling away when he doesn't like something I do, and suggesting a D - I can see that he isn't ready.

I also said that I understand the pressure to make a decision with the apt lease is a problem here - but decided that it wasn't my decision but his to make. Meaning this - he can sign another year and be committed to working things out or not. He can choose to take the chance that he will have to move somewhere else if things don't work out - or that they will work out. A lot of this is up to him.

His initial response was to agree to sign on for another year but said if we don't work it out then we need a D. Later in the day he was feeling low and asked if I we shouldn't just get a D anyway because it didn't seem like I was really interested in him anymore.

I plain out told him that this is the behavior/response that turns me off and is part of the reason we are in this position now. I can't move forward with someone I cannot depend on. I will not stay in a M where I am threatened with D everytime he doesn't like what I say or do.

H response was to listen, agreed to talk to IC and AA members about this behavior and to work on it.

Let's see what today brings.

Have a nice day/evening Silva!, SO2 !

[volleydog]

Kassie,

I'm pretty sure your H is scared while I think 100+ days is GREAT it's still a short time. I doubt he's worked through his problems totally about why he drank.

I think you are absolutely doing the right thing in not letting him move back in you're not ready and neither is he. He wants to show you he's changed and I'm guessing he is getting frustrated that you may not see them(in his mind). I think he is also scared of relapsing and thinks that if he can get the M right everything else will fall into place which is wrong. Taking things as slow as possible is the best thing for both of right now.