I love you guys. You make it sound so incredibly easy. I wish it were. I have so much blame here. We've tried to cut off contact a couple of times and I got scared and pretty much sold my soul and begged another chance. Now that he gave it me a second, third, forth, try - crap, whose counting, if I cut lose now, he'll absolutely hate my guts. I swear, I feel as though I've played a game with him and I really don't have a lot of respect for myself right now. I knew I didn't want to be with him long ago, but I hung in there because it was easier. I have to end this, and as much as this is going to sound stupid, I'm in so far, I really don't know how to end it without him hating me, which is something I really don't want.
If he hates you, so what? I mean, it is a sad thing, and something that we as people hope others don't get caught up in, but that is HIS CHOICE. How he feels about you is his business - you don't have to worry about it anymore. Does his hating you mean anything about who you are, who you want to become? No; if anything, it might be a glimmer of a reflection of who you were then, when you were with him - let it go so you can grow past that and change what you don't like.
Trying to "soften the blow" in any way will just leave open doubts, fears, etc., for him, which is only playing MORE games. Tell him you need to heal and grow more, and are really considering the counseling that he suggested, but that you have to end this for both of your sakes.
It sounds like you've accepted your part in this (and it is only one part, remember - he went along with a lot of it, and didn't have to). Now is the time to work on it, on your own, so you don't repeat the same issues again in the future.
Oh, and its not easy. I had to do something similar, but with a guy I had only 3 dates with. I felt terrible telling him I didn't think it would work; I wasn't feeling a romantic connection and realized that I wasn't emotionally available. Unfortunately, it had little to anything to do with him, and I told him that. I imagine it will take more courage after having a R that lead to an engagement. But, you AREN'T married. (Think, Big Girls Don't Cry by Pink).
Everyone is giving you excellent advice. One more piece: Try living from the inside out. Stop worrying about what everyone else thinks, cares, feels, or does. That does not define who you are. You define who you are and if you are happy, sad, and so on. It's a mighty big, and impossible, job to live up to what we think others should think about us
I read a great article on Bea Arthur when she passed this weekend. It talked about her being a "broad" but in the best sense. She didn't live to collect or dwell on what others thought. She lived to be the most creative, happy, and intelligent person she could be. Your job is not to make others hate you, like you, make other people's lives happy, etc.
You can never be good enough, perfect enough, sweet enough, etc... to make broken abusive people love you properly. They can't love anyone properly -- they may blame it on you, but it is their brokenness, and you can't heal that for them. Not now, not 2 years abo, not 10 years ago, not 20 years ago, not 30 years ago, and not 40 years ago...
The good news is: you can certainly have a wonderful R with the right person at the right time, and it won't require contorting your being. Think how nice it would be to give up the contortions ! What do you think?
not to insult you G, but now I see how you are acting like x when he was having an A with then-ow and just couldnt' stay away, they broke it off, went back on, off, on, she was toxic and mentally imbalanced but he just couldnt' stay away or bare with the thought she would hate him. It costed him/me our M.
He felt so bad for what he had done (the lies) that he thought he owed her (and boy she made him feel that way too, even asked for money as "penance" for all his lies!). It was just awful because he didnt' man up to tell her good bye for good nor could tell her he wasn't D. He didnt' want to look bad so he strung her along for MONTHS in an effort to: spare her feelings... making her heartbreak even bigger when the truth came out and she talked to me.
As our then MC told me, it was a fatal attraction. He ended it with her with more lies so it would seem like it was her fault and not his, and sure enough he hated himself for that too.
So honey, it won't be pretty, he wont' be happy, but think long term, he will get over it and move on just like you will... with time.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
I need to run something by you all. I was talking to my friend last night, just venting really and the more I talked the more I realized that I don't have a R with my XF. He started in on me last night about how I stress him out so again, I have to ask why does he even bother with me? Anyway, I want to move on. I am letting him control my decisions and I feel as though my life is on hold. This weekend, I'm going to seriously look for a place to call my own. I've been so misplaced for a year now and I'm done with it. I realize the only person that can change things is me so I have to be strong and make it happen.
Cat, you're right! I do feel as though I owe my XF something. He pretty much insists that I do. To a point where he wants me to do things that I DON'T WANT to do. I even said to him that I didn't but said that I would consider it just to keep peace. Not to mention he told me that if I really cared for him, I would want to do things for him. OMG, what the hell am I doing? This is pathetic! I have never, ever been like this so I really don't understand what has happened to me. My XH's affair really has affected me more than I thought.
Okay, I don't like who I've become so I'm changing that! I just need to figure out how. This is my struggle. I really and truly don't know how to change this. I've never been in this position. I've always been self confident, success driven and won't settle for anything less than what I want and yet I've become a desparate, pathetic woman. Kind of like my XH OW. She did and still is doing everything just to keep him in the game. I certainly don't want to pattern my life using her as an example.
I want to make strong decisions. Yet, I'm so beaten down that I don't trust my judgment.
you can begin by trusting yourself. Remembering that once, before xh and xf you were a happy confident woman, go back to basics. Find a place and make it your own, surround yourself with good people, find your old gal pals, join a church, and *stop* talking with him so much! this will never end, you must end it cold turkey. I swear, it's just like x and then-ow, somehow they kept in touch, he wasn't supposed to call her but he did or she did and on and on it went. Change your phone #, move farther away, do something, anything! get the ball rolling.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Hello all Just a quick update. I'm actively looking to buy my own place. I've decided to live somewhere I've never lived. A clean start, new surroundings, new life. Good-bye to my old self, hello to the new woman. "I can do all things through Christ which strengthens me." I'm not looking for a man, a relationship, nothing. I'm looking to fall in love......with me! Once I'm there, then maybe I'll have room for a special person. But, they are going to have to be special. No more compromising myself or my beliefs. Looking back, I've had my eyes on man, which has been my downfall. Men have cost me my youth, money, energy and my individuality. I've always thought my job was to make sure the other person was happy and I always thought they were. But the problem was, they weren't happy with themself, which filtered down to me and made me unhappy. I will not fall for that trick anymore. My goal is to surround myself with positive and people of like mind. No more looking to make a relationship work. Either it's good or it's bad and nothing in between. Yeah, I know that this may sound a little unrealistic because all relationships have problems, but I think it's simple, either they are the type person that can work through problems, or they're not. And I believe it's easy to see what kind of person they are when you watch to see how they handle life's problems. I know that I've done a very poor job with that myself, but I'm growing every day. I'm detaching from my old life everyday. I'll get there, one step at a time. The first step is the hardest but I'm convinced with every step that I take, I'm one step closer to my goal. I feel good today!
You guys are full of helpful advise and I need a little help again. I find myself not wanting to ever have another relationship. I don't want to clean up after anyone, I don't want to plan meals, I don't want to go to bed and be annoyed about sex, I don't want to comingle finances, I guess I don't want to even think about sharing. I find myself thinking relationships are more trouble than what they're worth. Is this a normal thought pattern? What's going on with me?
! What do you think?