True Love or True Fog? Changing Forums

[Silver Fox]

Ok, well let me digest this. Here is H's response:

That's great news about the appraisal! It needed to be done no matter what happens next. If you are working toward your "own terms" then I can be patient until that process is done. I'll pay close attention at the meeting. See you Wednesday.

Does this sound like a man who thinks he's getting his way now?

[pearlharbr]

Hi Silver

I've stayed away after being yelled at here so I will not offer any comments other than I am thinking of you.

If you want to chat here or in the alt drop me a line on my thread in Piecing.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

yelled at? Really? Surely you are made of tougher stuff than that?

Silver, It sounds like a man who isn't jumping to conclusions.

[Silver Fox]

"Really, that's interesting.
I will take it into consideration.
Ok, hmmm.
That's something to think about.
Really?
I'm sorry you feel that way.
Possibly, but I need to see what my L thinks first.
I will need time to think about all this.
Have a nice weekend!"

*Just practicing for tomorrow's meeting with H after he talks with a bankruptcy L.

[Silver Fox]

First thing out of his mouth - "This isn't going to be as easy as I thought". I almost had to stifle a laugh. Really H? I'm shocked - everyone else has such an easy life - I can't believe you have it so hard. No, I didn't say this out loud.

I was able to use most of my responses from my previous post. He said the bankruptcy L explained that even if he took all the marital debt, we couldn't get my name off the credit cards. H was so counting on declaring. It was going to be his "easy" way out. I guess he thought you could just sign on the dotted line and that would be it - all debt and all troubles would go away.

He said it was a good thing that I've saved enough money to get us through the summer. Us?! I had to tell him that the savings was for bills/living expenses and he could not use our marital assets any longer for his trips to OW. He said "Oh, I see" (like, oh, you're going to play dirty now are you).

It was really difficult to watch. He really is hitting rock bottom now. He cried some, cut the grass, and when he came back in he had a brilliant plan to withdraw money from his retirement fund because "How can I get a job and work on the house at the same time? Where will I live?" (how will I be able to keep my OW?)

He asked about the house appraisal - why didn't I tell him about the appointment? I could have at least let him cut the grass. I said "Let? I'm here, the house is here, the grass is always growing". He lost it saying "I can do without your snide remarks!!" Wow, and I was doing so well up to that point.

When I said in as calm a voice as possible "I'm sorry you're having such a difficult time, please try to relax". I swear to God he said again "It's just not so EASY!"

[Silver Fox]

Text from H today: "I'm dropping off a form you have to sign so I can withdraw retirement."

I emailed L right away - Can he do this? Do I have to sign it?
Yes and no.

I'll fax the form to L tomorrow. H wants to take out $7,000. IF I choose to sign, it's to waive my rights to that amount if something happens to him since I'm still the beneficiary.

He's desperate for money now. Robbing Peter to pay Paul.

[Silver Fox]

Gee, no posts from anyone for quite awhile. I guess I'll keep journaling then.

Sent my L the form H wants me to sign. L wants me to hold off til we have another mediation, tentatively set for June 10. Problem is neither H nor I got much out of mediation the first time - we were in separate rooms, it was very tense for both of us, H didn't care for the mediator. Perhaps I could offer H time to talk things out together, just the two of us, in place of mediation. This would be a huge 180 for me. I've avoided D and money talk like the plague for 2 years now.

I wonder if H knows that if we don't request a hearing by June 13 (the one year filing date) then the case is dismissed and someone has to file all over again?

[Flicka]

Originally, weren't you inclined to inhibit the divorce process? Are you now thinking differently? I want you to save your house and feed your H to the cats, but in a kind way.

Could you not negotiate for mediation, but face to face? Use your good humor and history to your advantage. Negotiate for as much as you can... Settle for the wreck of a house but be glad about that.

I am reading along and wishing you the best. Your H makes me laugh. He is stereotypical and hilarious.

My own is as well, except that HE is turning into a cat lady. yikes. I was recently invited to talk on the phone with his rescued cat. It is good that he has a tender heart {and kittens under his bed} but I blanched and reconsidered my 'love' while talked sweet cat talk on the phone. I did that. Now I am reconsidering my commitment to this relationship. I do have some self respect, after all. Not a lot, but a little. yeow. Oh. I meant meow.

[Silver Fox]

Hi Flicka,

Thank you! H is stereotypical - hilarious? Well, if I didn't laugh I'd cry and I've cried plenty.

Yes indeed, I was very inclined to inhibit the D. I mean, I'm here aren't I? But I may very well have reached the 'enough is enough' stage. H is out of a job, has moved in with OW, is out of money and is coming apart at the seams. What can I do about it? Nada.

I'm sure he yelled out loud when he discovered that I had to sign the form for him to take $ out of his retirement. He thought he was going to get an easy 7 grand with the snap of his fingers.

Now even more bad news. The house appraisal came yesterday and it's worth less than we owe.
We were counting on at least $30,000 in equity - but no, thanks to the economy, lack of updates, some foundation problems, and the sad country neighborhood we (I) live in.

Now do I really want to keep the house? I'm thinking NO WAY. I believe I'll ask for his retirement, all of it. That will give me plenty for a down payment on a new home closer to work, pay for moving expenses, help pay our joint credit, and make up for lost income.

H can have the house and declare bankruptcy like he's been threatening to do. Then he can go live happily ever after with the Catbitch. Meow

[Flicka]

We are all giggling through our tears.

As usual, I applaud you for your stalwart plans to rescue yourself. I think your plan is very good and if you have started getting a fix on real estate choices that seem interesting and creative for you, then you are a jump ahead.

You do need to research what could be affordable where you would like to live. You do need to consider what would be affordable but also a good investment. Real estate is the best savings acct. and I would be sad if you ditched your problematic homestead for nothing much. That wreck will probably weather the financial storm even if it is not 'improved'. You and your CAT MAN chose it for a reason. Charm survives. Land is best.

I am your guardian real estate angel with no credentials. I have never guessed wrong about what is valuable house-wise, though....

Sincerely,
Friend Flicka

Talk to a local realtor about all of this. Try to find one that is not greedy. Or exploit his/her greed for good info. And then be careful.