Grace, I'm an engineer by degree, so statistics make some sense to me. I'm also not a betting person. So when H says there is less than 5% chance he even wants to try to work on the M, I'm not sure I should have hope. Ok, I can also say that even if there is only 1% chance, it's a chance. It's just that sometimes I wonder if I'm crazy and fighting for something that is hopeless and maybe not worth fighting for. I just need to think this week about what I want.
J3B, I'm so glad you're back. I was thinking maybe you'd given up on me! You're right - I got this from snooping and I'm paying for it. Morbid curiosity I suppose. Yes, I will have to be tougher. I am a strong person, just let my emotions get the best of me at times. Once I figure out what I really want, I think that will help. I guess some folks here thought they were completely happy pre-bomb. I've known for many, many years that we had problems and I just wonder if we could ever have the R that I desire or if that's being unrealistic. I can forgive him and would completely forgive him today if he came clean and truly committed. "In sickness and in health..." - I hadn't really thought about it that way. MLC is certainly a sickness. I don't want someone else to help raise my boys. I just want their healthy dad to do that.
Hang in here with me guys!
Me 39 H 38 T22/M15 S11 S7 EA Confirmed 3/11/09 Sep Weekdays Only 4/09
Grace, I'm an engineer by degree, so statistics make some sense to me. I'm also not a betting person. So when H says there is less than 5% chance he even wants to try to work on the M, I'm not sure I should have hope. Ok, I can also say that even if there is only 1% chance, it's a chance. It's just that sometimes I wonder if I'm crazy and fighting for something that is hopeless and maybe not worth fighting for. I just need to think this week about what I want.
J3B, I'm so glad you're back. I was thinking maybe you'd given up on me! You're right - I got this from snooping and I'm paying for it. Morbid curiosity I suppose. Yes, I will have to be tougher. I am a strong person, just let my emotions get the best of me at times. Once I figure out what I really want, I think that will help. I guess some folks here thought they were completely happy pre-bomb. I've known for many, many years that we had problems and I just wonder if we could ever have the R that I desire or if that's being unrealistic. I can forgive him and would completely forgive him today if he came clean and truly committed. "In sickness and in health..." - I hadn't really thought about it that way. MLC is certainly a sickness. I don't want someone else to help raise my boys. I just want their healthy dad to do that.
Hang in here with me guys!
Me 39 H 38 T22/M15 S11 S7 EA Confirmed 3/11/09 Sep Weekdays Only 4/09
I'm an engineer by degree, so statistics make some sense to me.
Oh, so you're one of those logical people.
Quote:
Ok, I can also say that even if there is only 1% chance, it's a chance.
Statisics are relative (to me anyway). If out of 1 million M's all but one is saved and that one isn't you. That completely sux. Now reverse it and only one is saved and it is you. This was posted to me sometime ago. Made me think. Doesn't matter the odds in my world. You either decide to go after it or you don't. If you can't, it doesn't make you a bad person. It just means it's something you couldn't do. Just as hanging in there doesn't make you a better person. It's all about what you chose. We all chose differnt things based on what we know about ourselves and what we believe to be right for us.
Do take the time to think about what you want. Use this bb as a sounding board too. Sometimes when you "say" it outloud you get a better sense of whether you really believe it.
Yes, I'm one of THOSE people - except when my emotions take over, then logic takes a backseat. I'm also a solver of puzzles, problems. It's one of my greatest strengths and I believe also one of my greatest personal weaknesses right now. Thus, the snooping that's gotten me in trouble so much to date.
After R discussion this morning, I did not initiate contact with H today. He called on his way to work and I did not answer. I'm glad I didn't. He left me a voicemail telling me he was thinking about me and how much he loved me and that he wanted to say that after our R talk, but he didn't want me to think he was just feeling sorry for me. It would have been touching if I didn't feel so manipulated by his MLC self. Do I allow myself to believe it? Do his words really mean anything? He called a couple of other times, but only left one message about kid stuff. I replied by email and the kids called me tonight but I did not talk with H. I'm doing a lot of thinking right now about what I want. Glad to be away from home and able to just be here alone tonight.
One of the weird things about this state of existence is how to handle future plans. We have concert tickets for May 28th. We have a week at Disney reserved in July. I was scheduling our annual beach trip and have paused b/c not sure if that's wise. How do you handle stuff like that? H seems to get agitated discussing any type of plan, even if it's for tomorrow so I've just been not saying anything. Guess just handle it when it arrives. I may just go ahead and plan the beach trip and take the boys myself if we're apart then.
Me 39 H 38 T22/M15 S11 S7 EA Confirmed 3/11/09 Sep Weekdays Only 4/09
Yes, I am on Facebook in a limited way (don't use it to journal and only have a photo of my boys). I understand there is a DB group, but I hesitate to get on there b/c I don't want anyone to know I'm part of it. Are you on FB?
Me 39 H 38 T22/M15 S11 S7 EA Confirmed 3/11/09 Sep Weekdays Only 4/09
The plans that you have to go places can be kept whether he goes or not. Like you said you and the boys can go to the beach, as far as the concert if he doesn't want to go, ask a friend.
Hell, we still take "family" trips and my H has been gone over a year. Don't do them often, but went away at Christmas and are going again this summer. If he decides not to come, we'll go anyway.
It's nice that he can still say he loves you. Whether or not you believe it, I'm of the mind he probably means it, at least in the moment it's said. Does that mean all will be healed? That remains to be seen. That he can acknowldge feelings for you, in my world that's a good thing. Just don't go counting your boobies before they're hatched.
Looks like everything I post is about H, so now I'll journal positives about me....
This week I'm presenting several times at a big conference my company has once a year. I'm seeing people who I enjoy being around and it feels good b/c I'm good at what I do and get compliments about it. Also, several people have commented how great I look, have I lost weight, etc. I don't have many friends outside of work (moved a lot and too many years of putting kids first and I'm socially sort of shy) so being around co-workers I like is good for me.
Better try to get some shut-eye...long, busy day tomorrow.
Me 39 H 38 T22/M15 S11 S7 EA Confirmed 3/11/09 Sep Weekdays Only 4/09
Sorry I have not been around in several days. My computer has been in the shop AGAIN!! Anyway, have tried to catch up on your thread and it sounds as if your H is in a major, major MLC if he can tell you all that stuff and turn around and show you that affection and tell you he still loves you, etc. That is worse than what I did! I thought I was mixed up, but man, that is the pits.
I can tell you this much......whether he is in a PA with that girl or not.....he is certainly getting "something" out of the R or he would not pursue it. I think some of it may be that he started out feeling sorry for her and then as he showed her attention and gave her gifts, etc., she reacted in a way that made him feel important and a sense of well-being b/c he was helping this young girl, so it was feeding his emotions. It is like showing a child something amazing to them for the first time. You love the look in their eyes and their excitment, etc. It may have started out like that and then he developed these feelings he doesn't know how to deal with. I believe in his crazy mixed up mind that he still loves you! I really do. But, as a lot of other men that I have read about (seems that men do this more than women), he wants to still show you affection and express his love for you. I have not read where W's in MLC who is involved in an A does that very much, but men......yes, I have read of others doing it, so you are not the only one.
I agree with Jack the Bean. This could last for 3-5 years! Not to pull you down more, but to be candid......you need to decide if you can weather the storm. A storm it will be and you will never know what to expect next from this man. He won't know himself! It is horrible. Maybe people went through this when I was a kid and we just didn't hear as much about it, but I have never heard of so much of MLC like it is happenig now. I don't know what is going to happen to families. I it very tragic.
Which ever way you decide to go, it will take courage and a lot of spunk. We will be here and will try to help you stay strong.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Good day professionally (yea). Weird day personally. These MLCers really keep you yo yo'ing. Or I guess that would be, they do as long as we let them. I'm certainly doing that. Gotta detach, gotta detach, gotta detach.
H got fitted for a tux today to wear to another dance party I'm not invited to on Saturday night. Hit me hard as the only other times he's worn a tux (other than being a groomsman) were when he was going to a special event with me (prom, wedding, etc.). I just don't see how going to a formal event without your wife and not allowing her to come can be anything "innocent." Who goes solo to something like that without some sort of agenda? He knows I don't want him to go and we discussed why. H called me this morning and said he wanted to try to put my mind at ease and that it wasn't the type of environment that I seem to think it is, he doesn't take anyone, doesn't meet anyone, etc. I just said "ok" and moved on to other stuff. I'd rather have no explanation than more lies.
Suddenly H had to work late tonight and it was up to me to find a solution for childcare even though I'm out of town. Of course I did it. Is that just enabling his irresponsibility or is it the best thing to do since it involves the kids? How do I push back on this type of dumping responsibility on me or should I not?
My head hurts. I thought I'd have figured out what I want by tonight, but no luck. At this very moment I'm in a ticked off, pissy mood and am standing more from stubbornness than anything else. I'll be darned if I'll make it so he can say "she kicked me out." Wrong motivations, I know. I'll work on it.
Will write more later. Hope you guys are doing ok.
Me 39 H 38 T22/M15 S11 S7 EA Confirmed 3/11/09 Sep Weekdays Only 4/09
