Thanks also for posting that today, I figured my page would be long buried by now and here it was right up front.
I had to just get away from here for awhile, plus life gets busier in the spring with sports, etc. I've been working parttime and just trying to focus on myself.
Some things have changed a bit I guess. We have kept on fighting. Finally on our anniversary, Thursday, we had a big fight and then started two days of emailing each other over whether we were going to get divorced.
H "is in disbelief" that all this is happening. He is finally starting to sound like a LBH. I think he's finally realized that trying to control me and force me back into the box I used to be in is NOT going to work. He has to actually listen and learn. Anyway, we are officially "trying to work things out." He gave me a card for mother's day that says he is ready to work on healthy marital goals.
So we'll see. I have some hope. He has to understand that those aren't just words though. And I have to say I'm not sure he is truly capable of empathy. But I am willing to try.
Good for you that are staying busy. Seems to agree with you -naturally huh?
Is H still drinking or is that not on the table yet? Stick to your limit setting with him and I guarantee it will work. Just pick and choose your battle grounds.
Keep in mind that he really means well, just may not know how to change himself until he stops drinking and gets support.
Oh, he's still drinking, but he's trying to "watch it." Okay, H. I can tell you from reading back through my journals that his abusive cycles come and go and he drinks all the time, so the alcohol is not making him mean. Sometimes he's mr lovey dovey drunk. blech. But he is drinking a lot less...but still every day.
Anyway, he gave me a card yesterday and said he "is ready to reach healthy marital goals." A very un-H-like thing to say. He's all about sweeping it under the rug and pretending like everything is super. So today I asked him to read the Stosny book Love Without Hurt. He was very uncomfortable about it, but he said yes. Took it with him for the day.
So I see the beginning of him finally being willing to admit to and take some responsibility for his behavior. I don't know if he can follow through. But this is all a first. He's finally surrendered somewhat. I am learning to be encouraging while maintaining my own healthy boundaries. Whew.
Oh, and he quit taking his anxiety meds a week ago. So I have that going for me. ;P
Moments of Clarity are spontaneous, temporary periods when a person with a personality disorder is able to see beyond their own world view and can, for a brief period, understand, acknowledge, articulate and begin to make amends for their dysfunctional behavior.
Some Examples of Moments Of Clarity
* A relationship partner apologizes for their behavior and agrees to attend couples therapy. * A husband acknowledges that an infidelity accusation he has held over a spouse for years isn't really true. * A sibling returns a stolen item to it's rightful owner. * A mother confesses to her children that past episodes of domestic violence were not warranted.
Moments of Clarify can, at the same time, be extremely gratifying and rather frightening to a Non.
On the one hand, they may be hearing, for the first time, the very healing words they have longed to hear for years: "I'm sorry", "You are a good husband and father", "You are a good daughter", "I'm proud of you", "You didn't deserve that", "It's not your fault", "You are important to me".
On the other hand, a sudden, unexpected change of heart, even in the right direction, can be disconcerting to a Non. There is inevitably the question of whether the change is genuine, permanent and without strings attached.
Regardless, this is going to be a very emotional time for both the personality disorder sufferer and for the Non. Some changes or promises of change turn out to be just Hoovers. Others may be honest, whole-hearted and sincere attempts at Recovery. It is likely at such a time of emotional transition that neither the PD-sufferer or the Non is completely sure whether the PD-sufferer will be able to follow through on their intentions of change.
Therefore, sudden moments of clarity, while providing a welcome respite from the cycles of abuse, are probably not the best time to make any big life-changing decisions or commitments such as moving in, getting married, getting pregnant, opening joint accounts etc. It is probably best to maintain a supportive, yet safe environment for all parties concerned and to take a wait-and-see approach for 6 months to a year. Most hoovers will not last that long.
Then there is trying not to get your hopes up just in case you will be disappointed later. It is important to remember that personality disorders are true mental health conditions over which the sufferer does not have complete control. Many of these moments of clarity are honest sincere attempts by an individual to try to reach a better place. However, it is very difficult to recover from a personality disorder and many do not make it. If we, as non's, pin all our hopes on a personality disordered loved-one's ability to climb the mountain range of recovery we may be asking them to be somebody they can not be and we may be sowing the seeds of future regret, disillusionment and resentment. We may be doing a great disservice to ourselves and to the person who we try to love.
Therefore, if you find yourself in a moment of clarity with a loved-one who suffers from a personality disorder, embrace it for what it is. If at all possible, accept those precious moments of validation and apology with gratitude and humility and without gloating. Then remember who you are. You are not defined by how a person who suffers from a personality disorder sees you or describes you. You are you. When you reach a place where you can say "if he/she recovers - that's OK and if they don't - that's OK too" you may just have transferred your hope somewhere else and you will be in the best position to offer support and validation, if appropriate, to your loved one.
He called me at lunch and said he'd read 3 or 4 chapters so far. Heis responding really well...he said he was surprised because it wasn't blaming or saying he was a dickhead or an [censored] or anything, that he just needed to change his behavior. He thought it was a really interesting perspective...
He commented specifically that he does just try to dominate me and the kids, yelling and shutting us down, simply to have his way and be selfish and not have to deal with anyone or anything. That he doesn't want to deal with anybody's feelings, he just wants to go on and do his own thing and have his own way. The interesting thing was how he was discussing this with me...just very matter of factly and not all..."I'm a horrible person"...or instead, raging and being defensive and blaming. It was just a normal OBJECTIVE conversation. WOW. Somebody pinch me!
He says he doesn't quite know what to think about Stosny saying that dominating everyone hurts himself as much as it hurts others, that it brings him down as well. He said he's having a hard time understanding all of it...but he clearly was understanding and recognizing some of what he does and that he can change that behavior. So it was very good, him talking about specific behaviors and how damaging they are and those are practical changes he can make.
He also seemed impressed about the parts that explained how moods travel through a family...and for him to come in the front door and start yelling at the kids to start picking up was terrible and he should stop it.
He said that it was helping. He said he knows he needs to be different but he didn't know what to do. Like, he knows he should "love us more" but what does that mean? I don't want to get my hopes up, guys...but he was SO nondefensive and interested in LEARNING...
One other thing was that he understood from the book that if I'm angry or upset or in a bad mood, he shouldn't jump in and start arguing with me, but that I need HELP. I said, well a hug is a lot better than a push. And he was like, yeah! Why didn't I think of that?
Well, because your dad is an [censored], that's why you never thought of that. ;P
He did make the point that it might take him some time to learn how to act, but I thought that was even a good sign, instead of him acting like, well gee I've got it now honey, everything is perfect now. And he also said the book really showed him HOW BAD all this has been for the kids...and he's very sorry about that. but not that emotional abuser kind of sorry. He said he hoped it wasn't too late to fix things for the kids, and I said it's never too late for that, they respond to positive changes pretty quickly. Even adult children do I think, some compassion is all some people want from a parent even when they grow up.
Don`t know your whole story breakaway-will catch up though when I get a chance. But I have to say that outofthefog excerpt was very interesting.And the outofthefog site very interesting for hose of us who suspect, or know, that we`re dealing with a partner who may have a personality disorder or mental illness.
Defnitely sounds like your partner has hit a moment of clarity! How good for you! Though I`m sure you`ve read the piece in outofthefog about hoovering where a PD sufferer can suck you back into enabling their bad behaviours and start the cycle of suffering all over again.
Keep your hard won changes for yourself! And thanks for your insights.
Wow... have you checked out "BPD Central" ? Another support site for family members who live with a person who has PD. Keep in mind that a person can have both a drinking problem and a PD. My H has 100+ days right now, attends AA and church and is in IC for PTSD and ad PD. It has been many moments of clarity and recovery with occassional setbacks. I personally don't know if I can do it myself. His IC seems to think that he can help us both. It scares me. But don't let me scare you. You must enjoy the "firsts" - they are stepping stones to something greater - and I am getting a glimpse of greater - this is how my H started his change.
Keep talking - you are not alone in this journey - you have sisters and brothers along the way.
