If you're interested at all in learning to dance. Go. Take classes. Tell him or not, doesn't matter. As far as being coordinated, don't make me laugh! It has taken me years to become as bad as I am at dancing! I am not being self-depricating when I say I do not have a natural talent for it and I'm not really all that graceful. I started b/c I was interested and H is a dancer (and sadly actually very good). I've done ballroom and Latin and even I managed to be in a few performances. So don't sell yourelf short.
I hope your sone feels better soon and you all have a good weekend.
BTW, just as an aside H talked about us telling the kids and then it was quite awhile before we did. That is after the initial "Mom and Dad are having problems" thing.
I have done very well today and tonight, not bringing up R, not asking questions about where H will be tonight and certainly nothing about OW. Was pretty cheerful all day and H seemed to respond positively. BUT he still went out tonight, ditching his own friends. At the risk of getting thrown off this forum, I have a question that I hope experienced DBers (especially with MLC) will respond to.
Ok - don't freak out, please read through before responding.... I'm wondering if it is ever the right thing to do to contact the OW spouse in the case of EA. Here's my logic. OW's emails prior to 3/11 indicated she loved her H, was more interested in friendship but didn't want to hurt my H's feelings and I got the impression she doesn't know how to have boundaries or cut someone off when they cross the friendship line. My H is the type man that once he decides what he wants, he pursues it vigilantly and usually gets what he wants. Since then I do not see his emails/texts, but I know they have continued to be in contact, have attended a movie/party with a friend of hers, attended a concert, believe they have met for lunch, etc. His pursuing seems to be having an effect. I'm thinking that her spouse is sitting where I was in the past, fat, dumb and happy and has no idea that my H is actively pursuing her for something other than friendship. If I were to tell him (assuming he loves her and wants to remain married) the facts as I know them, he could possibly reconnect with her and encourage her to discontinue contact with my H. I do realize there are risks - he could leave her (doubtful since it's EA, not PA and H has been primary pursuer) or he could tell her about my contact, she tells H and he gets furious (ultimate snooping). I realize that even if OW stopped contact with H, that would not solve my problems or end H's MLC. I guess this is a combination of me not wanting to see OW's H lose his W like I'm losing my H and (if I'm honest) me trying to reduce the distraction OW is having on H (ok, yes, that's controlling). I don't want to get 6 months down the road and think that if only OW's H had known earlier, he might have rescued his M.
So, please don't kick me off, just help me understand the why's and why not's of doing something like this.
Me 39 H 38 T22/M15 S11 S7 EA Confirmed 3/11/09 Sep Weekdays Only 4/09
Well some will say don't do it. While I know of a few others who are for exposing the affair when the op is married. If it truly is mlc then I doubt this will bring it to an end, end meaning the mlc. Sit quietly and think of all the positives and negatives that could possibly come of this. Be honest with yourself as to your motives behind all of this too.
Whatever you decide, I would keep in mind that mlc is a process that must run it's course. I do understand feeling for the op spouse who obviously will be or is already going through what you are.
I understand why you want to contact Ow's H. I don't see it as helpful. First off, rationaliztions are better than sex, and I think there may be just a smidge of rationalizing about "not wanting him to be where you are". Not that that isn't altruistic, I know myself well enough to know that it would really be about me and wanting to throw a monkey wrench into his sitch (or at his head as the case may be) with her. That "maybe if she's gone he'll wake up and realize what he has". Doesn't seem to happen that way. Sorry. Perhaps there is someone out there this worked for.
Quote:
he pursues it vigilantly and usually gets what he wants.
Usually is the operative word here. Sometimes we all need to be careful what we wish for...we just might get it.
If her H truly dosn't know, he will find out at some point if all this continues. His response is his at that point. If you were already friends with him my response might be different, but even then coming from you, don't think it's a good idea.
I think this has much more potential of blowing up in your face than a bottle of nitro on a fast moving snowboard.
Just my two cents. Been known to be wrong a time or two.
Thanks for your responses, especially on a Saturday night. I will sit on this a while and reflect on my true motivations. I do know that as weird as it sounds, I feel sorry for this young lady and don't want to see her screw up her marriage b/c of my H. She was abused as a child, has phobias of being around most men, has too many chronic health issues to note and I believe my H is being predatory in his pursuit of someone so easily influenced. I gathered all of this from their emails, not from anything I got third hand. He is manipulating her and she is falling for it. Now, here is where I begin to question do I really want to be with someone who is manipulative and would take advantage of someone like her? Well, no. But I do want to be with my H minus MLC. I do not think her being out of the picture would stop MLC. No expectations there. Do I think it might make me feel better for a short while? Yes, until the next OW came along. So, I will continue to reflect, but right now I really do want to so something to stop H's MLC from ruining another M. Guess that's the controlling me coming out. Want to save everyone, even from themselves. So, for now I'll wait.....
One more question....any advice on how to bring up boundaries in conversation with MLCer in the least explosive way possible? The boundary I want to reinforce, while restating my commitment to M, is that if H ever has physical intimacy with another woman, I want to know (think I deserve to know after 22 yrs of faithfulness). I initially set boundary of no further contact with OW and so he's just lied about that (set that immediately post-bomb before DB, before learning about MLC and understanding that it was not realistic to expect). I'm not ready to enforce that boundary, but am firmly standing on the physical intimacy one. How do I bring it up and how do I have the greatest chance of him abiding by it, not just lying like with contact with OW?
Me 39 H 38 T22/M15 S11 S7 EA Confirmed 3/11/09 Sep Weekdays Only 4/09
One more thing to consider...one of H's complaints about me is that I tend to "sweep things under the rug" rather than dealing with them. Sometimes I think by DBing I'm just sweeping more and more under the rug. I could hear the frustration in his voice today when he asked me if I was ok and I said yes, nothing's wrong and he knew that wasn't the case. So, I'm wondering how I can do a 180 with that without getting too much onto the R topic. It was almost like he really wanted me to bring it up. Or maybe I'm reading too much into it? I almost just told him that the movie was sad to me b/c I believe he thinks his "serendipity" is to be with someone else and I believe we are meant to be and that's difficult for me to take, especially when he's holding me and being affectionate (even intiating ML) while we watch it. Thoughts?
Man, it's so hard to detach when they're at home and gone and at home and gone......
Me 39 H 38 T22/M15 S11 S7 EA Confirmed 3/11/09 Sep Weekdays Only 4/09
Do you know how to tell if an MLCer is lying? They're breathing.
Ok, I'm sure this is an exageration....well, maybe.
I don't know how you would be able to inforce that. What you do have control over is what you do if you find he's had a PA. You have the option to ask him to leave at that point. Btw, you do realize how much power you do have right? It's had to remember that when you're operationg out of fear and walking on eggshells.
Don't keep bringing up the fact that you are standing up for your marriage to him. It's guilt in the mlc world. He knows this anyway.
Serious boundaries like that are only good if you plan on follwing through meaning your done if that happens. For sure. If you don't follow through then it's bad news. I wouldn't suggest that.
Boundaries like that come much much later in all of this.
So, I will continue to reflect, but right now I really do want to so something to stop H's MLC from ruining another M. Guess that's the controlling me coming out. Want to save everyone, even from themselves. So, for now I'll wait.....