Setting Boundaries for MLC Alien H

[sandi2]

Of couse you have to say all of that in an age appropiate way......as people say on here. Because you don't want to say something that would cause them to worry more. If the boys ask questions, I would answer them as best as I could without telling too much and without lying. Hard, huh? You know you don't have to do what I suggest. It is only my thoughts.

I will keep you in my prayers.

Sandi

[Grace_O]

Mine has taken to dancing. Doesn't it seem odd to anyone but me that a H would take classes in a couples thing when his W can't do it?

No, it isn't odd. Sad, but not odd. I used to dance...

Motivation can be tough. Sometimes the only motivation I can muster is just the shade of peace I get from it.

[In Limbo]

Sandi,

Great to hear from you! I agree that we need to tell the boys. I am going to ask H for us to do that Sunday. I dread telling them but I also want my children to trust me and the current situation is not building trust. Over the last year, H has been leaving before they get up and coming home after their in bed, so they have just assumed that's what's going on now and I haven't corrected them. But they may know he's really not coming home and just be afraid to say anything.

I think you're right too about set times with the boys. He's using the weekends now since he's home every weekend, but I think that needs to change. If he's going to continue to not only go wherever he wants all week (including seeing OW) but also do his own thing on the weekends, then why the heck should I allow him to live at home? The whole point of being home on weekends was to spend time with the kids and with me and see if there was any hope for R. If he's communicating with OW, going out Saturday night (I assume with OW, but can't prove it) then what's the point?

I woke up this morning worried about the weekend. One of the things H always says (classic MLC) is that we don't have anything in common anymore. Tomorrow we have a 2 hour drive together and I find myself dreading the conversation. I feel like every conversation is being graded. Was I funny, was there a connection, did I avoid R/OW talk, was it interesting, etc. Also, I feel like I'm being constantly compared to how he feels when he talks to / sees OW. If we don't talk, it just reinforces his claim. So last night I was feeling like I'd taken a step forward with detaching and this morning I'm feeling like during the night I ran a mile backwards. Somebody needs to invent a detachment drug - take two and feel nothing anymore for the MLC spouse.

Take care of yourself Sandi!

[In Limbo]

Grace,

What type of dance did you used to do? I don't think I could ever do dance. My coordination/timing is just not that good.

[sandi2]

In Limbo,

When you take that two hour drive, don't feel as if "you" have to fill in the moments of silence. We women think that some type of conversation has to be going on all the time. However, it is not up to us to keep it rolling. In fact, he may welcome the silence or it may even get him to talking.

You be "you" and don't let him take that away. 180's are good as long as you don't lose who you are down deep inside. They are to improve the stitch trying to find what works and what doesn't. You are working on yourself to improve you....for "you".

When I suggested telling the boys the truth, I really wasn't even thinking about the H being there and the both of you doing it together. He may or may not agree to do that. I kind of think he may not want to if it makes him look like the bad guy to his boys. He's probably rather put up that smoke screen so they can't see the truth. But, if he won't agree to it, if I were you I would tell him that you are not going to lie to the kids any more just to cover his a$$.

Take care,
Sandi

[In Limbo]

Sandi,

You're right, I'm tired and thru lying to everyone to cover him. He will want to be there to tell the boys because he says I'll "spin it" to make him look bad. HELLO....no spin really needed, yeah? But seriously, I am not a husband/dad basher and would never paint him in a negative light. However, H would consider me telling the boys that dad's confused or that this is not what I want, etc. to be "spin." He'd rather lie and act like it's mutual and just because we can't get along.

Gotta go to a Mother's Day tea at the school, but will post more later. My mind is racing this morning and I'm feeling like I'm done - tired of being played and tired of worrying about everything. I guess this is the point where you ask yourself is it worth it to continue, can you continue, etc. This moment, I'm seeing so much of MLC in H that I can't feel the real H would ever be back or that I could wait as long as it takes. I know for those that have been doing this so long that seems so wimpy. Maybe it's just the high emotions of dreading the weekend.

[Grace_O]

Limbo,

Is there anyway you can take a nice long walk before the drive? I always find that calming. I know your nerves are just screaming. It's hard to stop the comparisons, but keep working at it. Afterall, there is absolutely no better you anywhere in the universe.

Btw, there are no wimps here. We all do the best we can for as long as we can. When we know better we do better. That's all there is. Of course your "expectations" of the weekend are getting in your way. Make no mistake they are expectations, but that doesn't mean you can just put them aside. I like to expect the best and plan for the worst. So far (mostly), it works for me.

One of the things we told our D's was that "sometimes is a marriage there are frustrations and unhappiness and it needs to be worked out before things can get any better". While it let him off the hook I suppose, I didn't (and still don't) see any reason to say "Dad's not happy and has to go find himself and fall in love again and make somthing of his life". Do they know the truth of it? Probably more than even I am aware (they are 16 and 14). When I was asked once, I said that there were two adults (arguably) involved and both were to blame and that I was sorry.

It's hard and it sux, but you are so much stronger than you kow.

BIG BEAR HUGS

[In Limbo]

Grace,

Just got back from a Mom's tea with S7's class. It was SO CUTE! They sang songs and did a little skit and he was so excited I got to come - it was great!

We'll be leaving as soon as we get up, so I'm maybe I'll get up early and treadmill for a bit first to relieve tension.

What's weird about my expectaions for the weekend is that no matter what, I sort of feel like it's a lose-lose. If we get along, it makes it hard. If we don't get along, it makes it hard. I also think that's got to be confusing to the kids. They've seen us hug and kiss and do date nights more since bomb than in the past year. Now we tell them Dad's moving out. What kind of mixed message is that?!?!?

I need to find your thread so I can catch up on your sitch. I've gotten alot from reading what everyone goes through and how they handle things. Never thought I'd be so dependent on an online forum. Go figure.

Hugs back to you too!

[Grace_O]

Limbo,

I'm really glad you got to go to the tea too. It's all the little stuff, you know?

Treadmill is a good idea if you can manage it. I know even now, but esp early on I would have exploded without the exercise (no, I am not the exercise queen).

also think that's got to be confusing to the kids. They've seen us hug and kiss and do date nights more since bomb than in the past year. Now we tell them Dad's moving out. What kind of mixed message is that?!?!?

On ething it took me quite awhile to own (and arguably at times I still don't) is that I get to be angry for me. I tended to project what D's might think and feel as a way of distancing my own feelings of hurt, betrayl and anger and not really dealing with them. It took me awhile.

I don't have a current thread. I keep meaning to start another one, but I've been gone for awhile b/c my plate is too full. Sadly, has to do with some serious stuff with D14. It will all be ok in the end.

Never thought I'd be so dependent on an online forum. Go figure.

This bb has been a life saver for me and I never would have thought either. The generosity, compassion and (when necessary) in your face comments are fabulous.

[In Limbo]

Grace,

I believe I have done a pretty good job so far of not projecting my own feelings onto S's. Pre-bomb, one of my faults was bringing the kids into fights with H because I was so protective of them and the way he treated them. I would also intervene on their behalf when I didn't agree with what he was doing. Since bomb, I have done a lot of soul searching regarding that and it's one of the changes I have made and think I'm doing well with.

Emotions are settling a bit now. Will see if I can maintain that through the day and even through the weekend. One day at a time...one day at a time.

I appreciate you checking in on me, especially with all you have going on. It means alot just to have a line of communication with someone who has lived this and survived.