Yeah, the fear thing is a huge obstacle for me. It's easy to say stop being afraid, but much more difficult to make yourself actually do. I guess you're right that I do have the power to end it whenever I choose, but it still feels like he is in control. Both of my options seem like duds while he seems to have options that are both positive for him. Ok, leaving his family for a 27 year old married girl is not really a positive option in my opinion, but it sure does seem to have some positive aspects for him (finding his "soulmate," getting to have a beautiful young woman, remarrying and having more kids, etc.). Guess I'm just in a sour mood today. Shame since it's so beautiful outside.
GREAT advice on how to respond to the "What's wrong" question. Right now, he doesn't know how much I know about current situation with OW. That has been difficult because if I didn't know what I do, I'd probably not be as emotionally charged as I am now. BUT I can't confront him and so I was unsure what to say other than "nothing." Now, thanks to you, I have an alternate response.
As for stopping talking....I'm concerned about that right now because he's not coming to me to talk. I'm guessing he's taking everything to OW. For example, a couple of weeks ago he got a DUI (yet another classic MLC event to add to the list). I did a great 180, didn't jump all over him, was supportive but didn't minimize it, validated when he talked about what a wake-up call it was, etc. For a few days we seemed to move closer, were talking alot, etc. Then suddenly things got distant and tense, especially after a long evening with OW (that he lied about of course). I'm not sure how to get him talking again. I tend to freeze up now because I'm so afraid I'll wander into R or OW land without even realizing where I'm headed (sort of like getting in the car and driving toward work on the weekend out of habit).
Weird, I'm not looking forward to him coming home this weekend. Not sure what that means. I get sick at my stomach when I think of him looking at me and lying to me more. Guess if I puked on him that would REALLY push him away,no? It's exhausting. Gotta get in a better state of mind before tomorrow night, that's for sure.
Me 39 H 38 T22/M15 S11 S7 EA Confirmed 3/11/09 Sep Weekdays Only 4/09
Yep. H said at the beginning of all this that he had seen how his father looked when he looked at his mom. He said he's never felt that with me. BS - I've SEEN him look at me that way. BUT, guess that's all part of the script. Mmmm...wonder if MLCers ever become actors with all the the script reciting skills they develop.
Done with my pity partying for the day. S7 has baseball and I'm going to go redo my face and take off for the ballpark. Goal for tonight is no tears, no being snappy with the kids and to get my lazy butt out of bed early tomorrow to treadmill. Also need to find somewhere to be tomorrow night so that we're not sitting around waiting for H to come home. I thought about getting a sitter and going to a party (friends from work, couples, not a wild thing) but I just don't feel right doing that to the kids right now. Plus, then I'd have to let H know and really don't want to contact him.
Question about a 180. I have always taken care of all the responsibilities in our M. From kids to house to bills to making H doctor's appts to taking his dry cleaning, etc. With a MLCer, should I continue to do all of that or should I do a 180 and ask him to take his own dry cleaning, pick up his own meds, etc.? I've always considered it a labor of love, something that made his life easier. But I'm feeling WAY underappreciated right now and wonder if I should cut that off. Previous C said to just let his laundry pile up, but that seems petty. I don't want to be petty but wonder if I should take a stand in any way and make his life a little more difficult or if that would push him away. What do you think?
Me 39 H 38 T22/M15 S11 S7 EA Confirmed 3/11/09 Sep Weekdays Only 4/09
Mmmm...wonder if MLCers ever become actors with all the the script reciting skills they develop.
Yes. Mine has taken to the stage.
I think the treadmill or any physical activity is great b/c it helps you burn off that anxious/angry energy and helps you to focus on doable options that will be good for you.
Jack hit the nail on the head with "the world will follow" comment.
Mistake?....I was at the ballpark tonight and H calls. Probably shouldn't have answered, but that was one of his big complaints pre-bomb, so I do try to answer when he calls. Wanted to meet us for dinner. We did and everything was ok, we even laughed some with the kids. He hugged me several times (I initiated no physical contact). We ended up talking in the parking lot for over an hour - no R stuff just about his dance classes, etc. He noticed the weight I've lost and commented positively.
BUT here's what I'm trying to figure out how to handle. Saturday night a lady he used to work with and her family are supposed to meet us at the ballpark, watch S7's game and go to dinner. It's been planned for a while and I confirmed with H Monday that he still wanted to do this (before confirming with her.) So tonight he says he didn't realize it was dinner, thought it was lunch and that he has a dance class Saturday night at 7 that he's already paid for (even though there are no credit card charges for it.) 180 for me was that I did not react, did not offer to make excuses for him, just asked him what he was going to tell her. He said I could go without him (WTH - this is HIS friend!). I am not going to make excuses for him here, not going to call her and cancel. He can figure out what to say (more lies). When he left he said he would think about cancelling it, but didn't sound very convincing. She works with OW and it will be everything I can do if he ends up bailing and I'm stuck with them not to say anything. Talk about torture. And get this - there ARE NO CLASSES on Saturday night at 7pm (of course). Yes, I checked (bad I know) - it's posted on their website. SOOOO....how do I 180 this one? Go ahead and have dinner with them "as if"?
Good things about tonight - I had no expectations and the more I looked at him and listened to him talking, the more I didn't feel what I have been these past few weeks. It's like I'm beginning to detach the current H from the one I used to know and I'm more able to dislike this current H. I didn't even freak out thinking about what he's probably really doing Saturday night. Does that mean I'm detaching? Who knows...all depends on the minute I guess.
He comes home tomorrow night and I'm not looking forward to it. Weird.
Me 39 H 38 T22/M15 S11 S7 EA Confirmed 3/11/09 Sep Weekdays Only 4/09
Grace - LOL - actually took to the stage, huh? Well, at least he's putting it to constructive use. Mine has taken to dancing. Doesn't it seem odd to anyone but me that a H would take classes in a couples thing when his W can't do it? Even pre-bomb it was so hard for me to be interested because it was a symbol to me of how much I was no longer part of his life.
I feel so much better after exercising - it's just the motivation that's hard to muster sometimes.
Take care!
Me 39 H 38 T22/M15 S11 S7 EA Confirmed 3/11/09 Sep Weekdays Only 4/09
I didn't want you to think I had left you forever! But, as you see, you have had good folks to come talk to you and I knew they would. Glad you came over to this forum.
As for the dinner date with H's friends that he set up......I am thinking maybe Jack the Bean would be the man to tell you how to handle this. I may tend to be a little tough on the H..... Personally, I think under the circumstances of everything involved, I would not cover up for him and I would not go to the dinner with them since it is his friends and they work with OW b/c I think that is unfair of him to expect that of you and put you in that situation. If he refuses to even show up at the game or he doesn't even call them to let them know ahead of game time.....then I would just tell them that he bailed. Plain and simple. Why make excuses for him? Why fill in his place for dinner with them? If they were friends of the two of you, then it would be different. But, maybe Jack will have a different opinion and share with you.
This was a question you had a several posts back, but I wanted to share my POV.
Quote:
How can they do this to their kids? What do I tell the boys when they ask where he is and why he never showed? (note: we haven't even told the boys he's moved out, they just think he's had lots of business travel with new job)
First, as you already know by now, he is in MLC which also causes him to be in a very thick brain fog. He thinks of nobody as much as he thinks of himself......which I think he has proven time and time again.
I personally think you should have a scheduled time set for him to see the boys. Not just a schedule day, but a time slot on that day. I would give him so much time in that "slot" to show up to get the boys and tell him that if he is not there by the end of that time slot, that you will assume he is not coming for them and you will make plans for them to do other things. What you or the boys do is of no business of his and you do not owe him an explanation if he asks. It is not right to keep you and the boys waiting all day long to see if he is coming or not. It puts your life on hold and keeps the kids tense and upset.
This is JMHO, but don't you think the boys need to be told the truth about their dad not living at home? I believe they probably have figured it out, but they may have something worse imagined......who knows? I really don't think it is fair to them to try to continue to keep it covered up. I know you want to protect them, but I personally believe you owe it to them to tell them. They could possibly be relieved to some extent to know the truth b/c as I said, they may think something worse is going on with their dad. I know you are thinking, "What could be worse?" But, we never know what is going through kids' minds. I also think you should stop covering for him all the time. Even knowing it hurts the boys, and you are afraid they will think their dad don't love them anymore, etc. They deserve to know the truth about him not living there. I would not go into detail about the OW at this time. I would tell them that their dad is going through some tough personal complications in his life that he is having to sort out and it causes him to not stick to his schedules like he should or to put things in proper priorities, but that he does love them in spite of how strange he may act at times. I don't know if that is a very good explanation or not. You can probably think of a much better one. I would not over-do b/c I don't think your H should be defended too much to the kids (like mothers tend to do) b/c he needs to answer to them himself.
As for having the boys to call him......I would not mention it unless they ask to call him. I believe if your H wanted to talk to his children that he would call them. He may believe you are using them as a means of getting close to him yourself.
I know all of this is extremely hard for you. I know watching your boys suffer is terrible for you. Maybe I am too hard on the H's who leave their families. There is a time for understanding and a time for tough love. To know which time to do what is the catch.
Take care, and I'll talk to you later.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
It's exhausting. Gotta get in a better state of mind before tomorrow night, that's for sure.
Personally, I think under the circumstances of everything involved, I would not cover up for him and I would not go to the dinner with them since it is his friends and they work with OW b/c I think that is unfair of him to expect that of you and put you in that situation. If he refuses to even show up at the game or he doesn't even call them to let them know ahead of game time.....then I would just tell them that he bailed. Plain and simple. Why make excuses for him? Why fill in his place for dinner with them? If they were friends of the two of you, then it would be different. But, maybe Jack will have a different opinion and share with you.