This time of year is really hard for me and the whole S. This is the time W and I would be doing all the yard work together, we made a great team as far as planning where things would go ect. Last night I was over with my D as W took S to Cub Scouts, we switch off meetings. She was telling me how this weekend she is getting mulch delivered I just hate that I can't/won't be there to help her with it. She also got a few tress/sticks from S school to plant for Arbor Day and was telling me where she was going to plant them...I know it sounds stupid but it just sucks.
Me:40 W: 39 T: 17 years M: 15 years S-9 D-6 D final 11/10/2009
"We are all faced with a series of great opportunities brilliantly disguised as insoluble problems."
Journaling… Wow found myself back on the rollercoaster this weekend…Made what now looks like a big backslide. Friday as I was picking up the kids from W house she had had a big load of mulch delivered.
Me: That looks like it will be a lot of work, you could probably use some help. W: Yeah that would be nice. Me: Well after D’s bball game tomorrow we’ll come over and I’ll give you a hand. W: Thanks
So I wasn’t sure if she was going to make it to the game she was on call the night before and usually doesn’t get much sleep. She calls about 5 minutes before it starts to let me know she’s on her way. She gets there just as it starts and actually sits next to me, which she hasn’t done in forever, usually there’s a kid in between or she sits in front of me. Game goes on lots of chatting between us. S then says something about us coming over after the game. W: So you guys are coming over Me: Sure I told you I’d give you a hand. W: I just don’t want you to feel like you have to. Me: I don’t.
So I get over there and basically she wouldn’t “let me” help. After about 15minutes told her well it looks like you’ve got this covered so the K’s and I are going to take off. Later on she calls to say goodnight to the kids. She tells me that nothing new has really happened since this morning, I say ok I’ll let you go…Then she starts talking about how soar she’s going to be in the morning, NEXT mistake on my part…I said well I did come over to help. She said yeah I know next time I just need to have another wheelbarrow. Chatted for another 10 minutes and I told her I had to go to get the kids ready for bed.
I just hate this limbo land I feel like sometimes things are getting better but then I look back and think maybe not. She doesn’t ever really ask about what I’m doing never invites me to do things with her and the kids, ect…Part of me wants to just say lets either go forward with the D or start working on the M on or the other…
I just need to snap out of this funk.
Last edited by volleydog; 04/27/0901:02 PM.
Me:40 W: 39 T: 17 years M: 15 years S-9 D-6 D final 11/10/2009
"We are all faced with a series of great opportunities brilliantly disguised as insoluble problems."
At least she is communicating with you. Thats a good thing. And the fact that she has not filed those divorce papers yet says that she is still unsure. Ride with it. Don't pursue her hard.
Maybe what you should do is something that you know she loves and you and the kids do it, but somehow let it slip that yall are going to do it. She might ask you if you want her to join. But its got to be something you know she loves to do. An absolute favorite restaurant, a favorite movie, a favorite event, concert, theme park, etc. Is there anything she always loves to do?
Just a suggestion since you are trying to think of ways to ask her out, but don't want to pursue to hard.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
Well......So last night W told me there is no way to fix the M she will never get over the past and wants a D. Of course she wants to work it out between us and not L so it's not hard.
I probably did a few wrong things when she told me: I asked her to go to MC again, to just try to date, ect.
She said we couldn't date wo/MC and didn't want to go to MC because it would be too hard emotionally. I of course (stupidly)said you think D will be easy emotionally?
I do believe in DB because I know I'll be ok but this really SUCKS!!!!
Me:40 W: 39 T: 17 years M: 15 years S-9 D-6 D final 11/10/2009
"We are all faced with a series of great opportunities brilliantly disguised as insoluble problems."
So after our talk on Thursday about her having no doubt about the D we move to the weekend. No real talk between us except Sunday I was taking off work Monday to spend the day with the kids they didn't have school. So we're talking and I said I should have just kept them with me tonight so I didn't have to drive over in the morning...W says you could just stay here...That comment didn't register until about 11pm that night.
Well Monday I have the kids things are going great in the past I usually just left when she got home but this time I decided to make dinner and stay for dinner. She calls to tell me she on her way home and is kind of shocked I made dinner but happy.
During dinner she mentioned she hasn't gotten a card for her F bday. I told her to go after dinner since my S wanted me to play super Nintendo (yes that old game system, my W and I got when we first got married). So we're playing having a great time W comes home I'm ready to say bye when she says "when's my turn"...I was shocked she's never done this. Finally I say I've got to go. She kept sort of following me finding things to talk about.
Last night on the phone very very cold...
Here's my dilemma. She has mentioned before how she hates doing things alone and how if a decision has to be made I leave it up to her. So the making dinner I just didn't when in the past during the S I'd ask her if she wanted me to. Now I think part of the reason for being cold was she had a long day at work and she had to rush to get kids make dinner ect where the night before she didn't.
So when I did take a little control I got a great response in her actions not words where do I draw the line? Where is the line between telling her I'll do this and pursuing? I'm not going to do something like get off work early and surprise her by picking up the kids and making dinner or should I?
Me:40 W: 39 T: 17 years M: 15 years S-9 D-6 D final 11/10/2009
"We are all faced with a series of great opportunities brilliantly disguised as insoluble problems."
I'd like to know this also my W told me almost the same thing. She is also the main bread winner and we moved all the time for her career then one day she springs on me when are you going to get a real job I didn't want to work full time my whole life...Of course every time my career was moving forward we had to move for her...
Volleydog, You posted this on SP's thread and I wanted to answer here (make SP think about it.) She expected you to be the main bread-winner. She wants you to be the main bread-winner. She will never come out and say this so don't expect it. It's one of the ways women feel loved and cared for. Read "His Needs/Her Needs" and the "Five Love Languages." It's also primal that it is our roles as men. Don't say anything just step up here and I promise you will see some changes in your W. You can handle it. Cheers Coach
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
It seems that your W is on the verge of being won back. You are doing great with DBing!
I wonder if she felt you were abrupt last night in response to her wanting to play Nintendo and talk. (No matter how tired a woman is, she will be sweet and kind to a man that she is interested in bringing closer.) I'm not firm on how I feel about this yet. I think it's good that you have her *thinking* and you left her wanting more. But, I wonder if what she saw was a cold jerk when she was giving you an opportunity to be with her.
Because you screwed up with the painkillers (DON'T DO DRUGS EVER AGAIN,) she feels totally betrayed and her trust is diminished. It is going to take time for you to prove yourself to her again.
So, go all out in working on being a great you. Making dinner, I think, was a fine thing to do for your family. It warmed her right up. Offering to help her (or just do it) with yardwork is being a hero.
I'm sorry you don't want to work full time your whole life, but you're a MAN who has to provide for his family. Not many women wnat a man who isn't interested in busting his butt to take care of his woman and his young ones. It's a huge turn off to see a man shy away from work. Coach is right.
Stay clean (first and foremost,) step it up at work, GAL, and keep being your family's hero. She WANTS you to succeed.
You are very lucky, friend, to still have your space reserved for you in the closet.
First to clear up something. I wanted to keep the jobs I had but we had to move, she's an MD and we moved for her school, residency and finally her job. So my career would just keep starting over it's not that I don't want to provide I just couldn't. Now I've got a great job will probably be making so she could work part-time(which is what she wants) within the year and I love my job, it's just that I've finally got to a point that I was able to put down roots for a job.
As for the Nintendo there was no cold from her or me, it was GREAT. We were joking around giving each other a hard time(in a fun way) the way we used to. It was the next night when I wasn't there she was cold.
Nope no drugs ever again clean over two years with the help of God and NA...
I'm just not sure where the line is between pursuing and being a strong man and just doing something because I know she needs it is.
Oh one more thing...I was talking to a friend about the whole game thing and based on what I told him he said her body language was totally into me. When she first got home the first thing she did was put a sweater on said she was cold...But after she came upstairs to play with us she took it off was laying on the bed just being very open, no crossed arm or legs, ect. Which also goes back to DB I didn't want to leave and it didn't SEEM like she wanted me too but I didn't want to push it...Remember three days earlier she said we have zero chance.
Last edited by volleydog; 05/06/0908:06 PM.
Me:40 W: 39 T: 17 years M: 15 years S-9 D-6 D final 11/10/2009
"We are all faced with a series of great opportunities brilliantly disguised as insoluble problems."
Oh I know that's the case she's told me. My problem was at the time I didn't realize it was a problem till I did the rehab thing. Her hurt came from me not telling her I had a problem when at the time I really didn't know.
Me:40 W: 39 T: 17 years M: 15 years S-9 D-6 D final 11/10/2009
"We are all faced with a series of great opportunities brilliantly disguised as insoluble problems."
