Healing from a lifetime of self-deprecation

[faithisbelieving]

HER: I don't owe you anything. This is my house. You're not my husband.
ME: Actually, you do owe me one thing, and that's the truth when I ask you a question.

SH...you need to extricate yourself. You need to stop being a doormat. You need to say goodbye and get on with your life. She owe's you nothing outside of co-parenting with you.

Are you in counselling?

Google David Cunningham at makingherhappydotcom and pay for a one hour session with him.

FIB

[still hopeful]

SH...you need to extricate yourself. You need to stop being a doormat. You need to say goodbye and get on with your life. She owe's you nothing outside of co-parenting with you.

I agree. Working to do so as I type this. It's difficult that after 3+ misguided and fruitless years of doing this MY way I'm right back where I started, but a 'little' wiser, and a lot further in letting go. I'm clear that what frank_D told me ages ago is true.

I have to divorce myself emotionally from my 'old' XW. That R is dead.

I'm healing and moving on. I'm, for the first time, letting go in a real sense. I am moving in the direction of finding my own emotional stability away from XW. And I know you are right, she DOESN'T owe me anything. Just because I feel I owe truth to her, those are my feelings about me, which have no bearing on her feelings and behavior about herself.

Life moves on and I am now focusing on myself and my children. I know that I'll sort out my life and improve everything for me and mine.

Part of that, is to move to my brother's house for 2-3 weeks (to start) to get my head cleared and back on straight and crystallize my path toward healing and redemption. Lastly, I will initiate the steps toward making my vision my reality. On my way. It all feels brand new, but it is. I'm doing it now though.

[still hopeful]

JOURNALING:

And now IT begins in earnest....

Yes it does.

More recent challenges in my situation. Finding new employment is STEP ONE. XW has been making reaching my children more difficult in her passive-aggressive way. I will continue being consistent and assertive in reaching my children and I will NOT react to her crazy making. Everything is happening in writing now. Need to gather information for when the 'stuff' hits the fan. It will.

My child-advocate attorney friend says that based on XW's past addiction problems and current chosen behavior, the pattern she is displaying is that of a current addict. She encourages me to get all of my efforts up to 'warp' speed so that I will be in position to, at a minimum, be able to get my children back to our more stable circumstances together.

Should you find the time, I'm gladly accepting all prayers and positive thoughts for me to get focused, stay focused, and be productive. Thank you.

[faithisbelieving]

SH...is she violating anything written into your D agreement? What is your visitation schedule?

I would move rapidly to drop this and move on with your life. Although the initial letter that you wrote was moving...and powerful...the follow-ups show a pattern of codependency and neediness.

Move rapidly to regain your life...your composure and the feeling that only your W can love you. She is sleeping with other men. You are divorced. Let it go. Trust me...I understand your pain. I still live under the same roof with my W and my saga drags on. But...I get it. This has given me clarity. Try and seek the same.

FIB

[still hopeful]

FIB,

You wrote:

SH...is she violating anything written into your D agreement? What is your visitation schedule?

She is not. My present circumstances are MY challenge. I am hopeful that she will not make asserting my parental rights legally necessary, but she may. At this point, I need to get back on my feet on financially, get my head on straight with regard to her (I've come a long way since our most recent interactions), and ALL of this will be facilitated by STEP ONE: maintaining a positive attitude and putting forth consistent, concerted productive effort towards finding new employment. I know I have 100% control over both of those aspects of my life and my journey.

I would move rapidly to drop this and move on with your life. Although the initial letter that you wrote was moving...and powerful...the follow-ups show a pattern of codependency and neediness.

Unclear what you mean 'this.' To what are you referring that I should drop rapidly? If you are referring to my XW, I have let her go. It's actually much easier than I thought it would be, but upon simply making a decision, surprisingly, I've found it's not. Very strange for me to feel that way now after fearing it for over 3 years.

Move rapidly to regain your life...your composure and the feeling that only your W can love you.

I am moving, however, not as rapidly as I'd like, but that is simply due to my present circumstances, NOT XW. My composure is stabilizing and I have come to understand again that I am attractive to women, I AM 'good enough', and I know other women absolutely WILL love me.

She is sleeping with other men. You are divorced. Let it go.

I know. Sadly, that's been more the rule rather than the exception in my sitch. I understand we're divorced, and I've accepted that fact. I've let it go; My baseless fear was unfounded. Reality is a lot less painful than I feared and my best years are ahead of me. I deserve to be happy and I deserve to be with a woman who will love me in return.

My new mantra is 'movement brings clarity'. I am initiating movement. I am gaining clarity. Thank you for chiming in.

[still hopeful]

JOURNALING:

Today, I found out that XW's sister graduated from her RN program, and I was invited by my ex-MIL to attend the gathering, but I declined in deference to XW. I re-thought my decision and got pissed at myself for deciding based on what I 'thought' XW would feel, instead of my desire to congratulate XW's sister in her accomplishment and see my children. This all happened in an instant, because it all came crashing over me that I need to make my decision about my life based on me and my children only, not on XW. I called ex-MIL and left a message for her that I had changed my mind and would, in fact, be coming to the celebration because I wanted to congratulate her daughter and more importantly, I wanted to see my children. This was the first time in 3+ years that I actually made a decision based on what I wanted, without consideration for XW feelings and wants. I've finally reached a point where I simply don't care. I was invited and I went.

When I arrived, I said hello to guests as I entered, and saw XW out of the corner of my eye. I turned the other way and proceeded on in, greeting other guests and finding my children. I didn't pay attention to what XW was doing, but I was always consciously aware of her whereabouts because I purposely wanted to stay out of her near vicinity. Everything went along smoothly, and after a few hours I was at the food table and XW came over to me to ask if S3 had eaten. I told her no, but not to worry about it because I'd fix him a plate, and I did. The rest of the evening was great, as I talked with guests, the graduate and my children. When I was ready to leave, I said my goodbyes and made my way to XW. I stood there and waited for a break in her conversation and I just stood there, smiled and waved.
XW: Oh, hello.
ME: No, it's not, "Oh, hello", it's Oh, goodbye.
XW: Oh, you're leaving?
ME: Yep, I gotta get going. Take care.

I just turned and walked away. The exchange was polite, and it was over in a flash. No drama. I did what I set out to do, and I got in and out without incident.

Today was the first time I made a decision without regard to what I thought or feared XW's feeling/reaction would be. I didn't care, plus I wasn't doing anything TO her. I didn't even care if XW brought 'flavor-of-the-month' to the party. I wasn't there for her. I felt strong enough to deal with anything and everything today.

Tonight, I felt nothing when I saw XW. No pain, no animosity, nothing. XW came to the party alone. I wasn't concerned with what she was doing or who she might be doing it with. I just didn't care and that was a free feeling that I hadn't had previously. I wasn't rude. I enjoyed the party. I congratulated my ex-SIL. I spent time with my children. Plus, I interacted with XW as little as possible and even doing that was pleasant.

Today was a huge step in my road to reclaiming my manhood. I feel strong and happy, and this has all happened so fast and come about almost painlessly. It all started with making my decision and I'm making HUGE progress. Tomorrow is a new day, and I choose to be happy, confident and productive. The 'old' me is dead. My best days are ahead of me. I look forward to my future and living my life my way for me and my children.

[still hopeful]

JOURNALING:

Feeling great. Making progress. The whole world looks brighter. It's amazing what decision do for spurring action and getting unstuck.

[still hopeful]

JOURNALING:

It's great to feel positive movement in my emotions away from choices that no longer serve me. Today is another new, happy day... starting it off with my mind properly arranged for MY victory.

[still hopeful]

JOURNALING:

Today was another great day. That makes 4 days in a row that I've been happy. THAT is miraculous for me.

Today I went to my Sunday School class to lead my group of 3rd graders and it was very uplifting and healing to be around such you and energy. D8 didn't make it to church today, but I didn't take that on as something I needed to address with XW. I did end up seeing XW to pick up my children for an afternoon of fun. XW began trying to dictate exactly what time to bring our children back and I simply looked at her and said deadpan, "Uh, no, that doesn't work for me. I'll be here at X." I left it at that, even though I knew I'd bring them back around the time XW asked me to bring them. Since I was responding to XW deadpan and w/o reacting, she started acting out even more. She asked me for the key back to her house, and I quickly took it off of my key ring and walked it over to her. As I was handing it to her, I told her, "I can always gauge how pissed off you are at me by the status of 'the key.' Either I have it or I don't. All depends on your mood in the moment. I said this deadpan also. No emotion. I just laid it in her hand and she looked at me in a puzzled way. I simply turned and gathered up my children to leave. She even made a remark about being a full-time mom (because of my circumstnaces). I had given XW's sister (N) a Mother's Day card to give to D8, so that she could fill it out for herself and S3 to give to XW on Mother's Day. Today, I found out that D8 hadn't received it yet. After I dropped off my children to XW at XMiL's house, I called XW's sister to remind her to give the card to D8. XW answered the phone:

XW: Hello
ME: What are you doing answering N's phone?
XW: Why are you calling N?
ME: I'm calling her to discuss something that I don't want to discuss with you. May I please speak with her?
<I hear XW calling N to her phone>
N : <distant sound> Oh, I know what it's about.
ME: Hey N, if you would just take care of that, I'd appreciate it. Thank you.
N : No problem.

I don't let XW's shenanigans bother me any more. I find it hilarious that she's so hell bent on trying to run interference to keep me from trying to win over (XW's words) her family to my side. XW is truly incensed that her family doesn't hate my guts. It really bothers her that both her mother and her sister invite me to attend gatherings because XW believes they shouldn't. XW recently told me that it's not fair that her family treats me well and my family doesn't treat her the same. I didn't say anything, but THAT statement shows that she really doesn't own any of the sh*t she does. XW's behavior is the reason my family doesn't extend themselves to her. She's not welcomed because of nearly 10 years to consistently poor behavior.

I sooooo look forward to getting my circumstances straightened out for the stability it bring to my children's and my life. I am curious as to what XW will bitch and poke at me about when I am settled again soon. Nope, scratch that...I'm not curious. I really don't give a s--t! Every day, I get stronger in making decision based on what I want and what is best for my children. XW has rapidly become an afterthought, as my friend Doug said she needs to be. I am not only making those decisions, which is HUGE for me, but I am not feeling any negative feelings about what her possible reaction might be because I've simply reached a place in my life where, as long as I'm not purposely doing anything jerky to her, I don't care what her reaction. To use XW's phrase, "That's her s--t, not mine."

I AM a good man. I affirm this statement from my good friend:

I release myself from expectations that don't serve me well, and historical behavior that I no longer choose. Today is a brand new day. New thoughts, new friends, new life.

I'm choosing everyday to arrange my mind in the right way...to be happy, to behave in accordance with who I already AM, a strong, loving, authentic man of God. Growth will always be with me. Healing continues at a brisk pace.

[Flicka]

Did you move to your brother's house?