These are very individual situations, and the advice that you have been following has mostly, I think anyway, to use while the walk away is walking away, or in the A. The advice about respecting yourself and your M and not being a doormat will always apply.
I think that you have every right to ask her to stop contacting him... AT ALL, if she wants to reconcile, and you do too. I have a feeling that if she truly does want to come home, this whole episode will be very shameful for her and she will stop contacting him on her own. But she might not be ready for that just yet, is it still and emotional affair? You have to figure out what this is satisfying for her.
It sounds like you have been having some really nice times together, as a family. Maybe you should just focus on that for now.
I guess I gave the wrong finger to the wrong man...
Yes, these are all individual situations, aren't they? I was afraid you were going to say that. I was hoping for some nice clear instructions on what to do, but that's asking too much.
Here is my situation, best that I can make it out. I think my W's A is probably existing now as a weak EA. She has worked through much of her anger, and it has left her feeling much warmer toward me. She obviously likes my company, and I assume she's interested in how my being around makes her feel. However, she is NOT interested in moving home, and truthfully, I wouldn't let her. I think this house is too tied to her bad feelings and bad memories, and I wouldn't want to dredge those up if she's managed to heal. If my M does survive, it will be based on a new future, with a new place to live, a new marital plan, new respect for each other, etc.
I saw our MC last week, and an interesting thing happened. I have occasionally been going to our MC by myself. I know my W has been as well, although I don't know how much. Since we're now essentially doing separate counseling as separated individuals, our MC maintains confidentiality between us, so she wouldn't tell me even if I asked if my W was seeing her. Anyway, I was expressing much of what I discuss here, about how I don't know if I can maintain my self respect if I'm spending time with my W while she's still involved with the OM, etc. I was clearly feeling very angry at my W, since she hasn't shown one shred of remorse over what she's done. The MC asked me what I would need from her to start forgiving, and I said I would need her to express true sorrow and remorse over what she did, and I would need to hear in her voice and see in her face that she's feeling some of the pain that I felt. But since I was angry, I said I really didn't think she was capable of expressing that, as apologizing was never her strong suit during our M. My MC stopped and paused. I could see the wheels were turning in her head. Then she said "Don't give up on her." I was a little shocked. MC's are not supposed to tell you what to do. They're supposed to help you decide what you want to do. I asked "Why not?" She said "The way you two are changing, I wouldn't put anything out of reach." That left me feeling strangely optimistic.
Tonight I returned from a business trip, and I had to stop by my W's house to exchange vehicles. She was very nice, and invited me in to hang with the kids for a little while. I took her up on her offer. One of her friends showed up and they opened up a bottle of wine and offered me a glass, which I accepted. So I sat with my W and her friend drinking wine and joking around for a while. W's friend said I looked hot in my business suit, which was nice to hear. Another of my W's friends showed up, and I could see they were planning "girl talk" so I said goodnight to the kids and made my exit. I'm getting used to this, and it's making me nervous, like I'm heading for a fall.
Last night during our son's baseball game, my W told me she had all the kids away at sleepovers on Friday night, and she asked if I would like to go out to see a movie with her. She kind of made a joke of it, and said we'd be going just as friends, but I knew it was a meaningful gesture on her part. Initially, I was cool to her offer, and didn't really reply one way or the other. At the end of the game as we were leaving I did say I'd like to go, and we made a tentative plan. I wasn't optimistic she'll follow through though. When faced with me saying yes, she backpedaled a little and said she had a plan to watch a movie at her friend's house, and she'd have to see if she could get out of that. She said she'd call me tomorrow to let me know. I said "If you're not going to go, I need to know so I can make other plans." She replied, "I'll let you know as soon as I can tomorrow, if you have another option, take it. I don't mind." She was friendly, not annoyed, but I got the distinct feeling I was being played a bit here. She got me to say yes to her offer, and now she was giving herself an out.
Sure enough, this morning she sent me a message that she couldn't ditch her friend, so she couldn't make it to the movie with me. Gotta love these WAW games! I think it's time I went a little dark again...
It is impossible to predict their moves, so don't even try....
Maybe next time you shouldn't say that you need to know so that you can make other plans because she will think she is dictating the pace and controlling your Agenda. Because it could look like are making her a priority and obviously are just waiting around for her invitation. I think you could say, let me think about it and call me in the morning. That way she has to make the call to find out what's going on.
Yeah, I felt like I boxed myself in a bit. I had already said I wanted to go to the movie with her, and when she backpedaled and said she wasn't sure if she could make it (after SHE invited ME!), I wasn't quite sure how I should play that. I was annoyed to be sure, but I didn't show her that. I tried to clearly express that I have a life, and that I couldn't wait around for her to tell me at the last minute, but it definitely came off like I was letting her dictate my agenda, like you said. I need to get better thinking on my feet, and remember the rule, if you can't quickly figure how to respond, just say "I need to think about it."
You could say that you already had plans, but would see if you could get out of them... use one of her own lines! Or, you should actually make plans for yourself, join a yoga class, or cooking class, or something. It wouldnt be too bad if you ditched it, you know, because you wouldnt be really letting anyone down, and if you ended up going, that would be cool too. I think that you are right about going dark a little again, just to feel things out.
I guess I gave the wrong finger to the wrong man...
I'm a terrible lier, so I hate even trying it. Usually I don't need to, as I am actually quite busy, but I had been on a business trip this week, and hadn't made a plan for Friday night yet, so she caught me in a weak situation. I do have guitar lessons earlier on Friday evenings, but I had nothing scheduled afterwards. After she asked me and I didn't reply, I felt a little bad, because I had said no to several of her invitations over the last few weeks, due to my having other plans, so I thought since I DIDN'T have anything going later Friday night, why not say yes? I think she'd been a little put off by my turning down her other invitations, so she probably just wanted a yes answer to turn the tables on me a bit, and she did. I'm happy with myself that I'm not hurt or bothered by this too much. It's just a game.
I have made another plan for tonight, so I won't be sitting home!
Future, thats why you make it the truth! Dont lie, hasnt there already been enough dishonesty? Actually make other plans. Can you pick up a new hobby? Do you need any continuing training for work?
How would she react if you told her that you would rather plan an evening out, a movie, or dinner or whatever. I totally know that if my H invited me to do something I couldnt say yes fast enough, so you are already doing better than I am! So, I know that sometimes (or often!) its easier to give advice than to take it.
I guess I gave the wrong finger to the wrong man...
Yeah, I definitely don't want dishonestry, just the opposite. Like I said, I do really try to stay busy.
I not quite sure how my W would react if I suggested something, but I really don't think we're in a good place for that yet. Sometimes I get lulled into forgetting how bad and painful what she did was. It's not something that can just be "smoothed over". There's going to have to be a day of reckoning at some point. I think we can both feel it whenever we're together. Either we're just going to go our own ways and that will be that, or we're eventually going to have to honestly discuss what happened, and I know neither of us is looking forward to that, nor are we ready for it yet. We're in a weird phase where we're trying to heal, we're trying to be really nice to each other, we're trying to be the best parents we can through this, we're trying to survey this dynamite-laden situation from afar for a while longer until one of finally gets bold enough to bring it up. Are we there yet? I don't think so. Maybe in a couple more months.
Spent another afternoon and evening all together at the W's house. It seems like no matter what our plans are, somethings happens that encourages us to all be together. I was just supposed to go pick up the kids from my W's house, but a couple friends were over and the kids were all playing in the yard. My W asked if I'd like to just stay for a while so the kids could play, which led to all afternoon, which then led to us all having dinner together, then hanging out after dinner, etc, etc, etc.
This is just weird, and I'm not sure what to do, so I just roll with it. It feels healing in a way, but also dangerous.
Ok, I really need some advice from some of the experts here on being tough. I am getting very concerned that I have been too easy about this whole situation. While my W's affair was going strong, I had success going dark and GALing, but even then, my boundaries were weak at best. My W definitely respected that I moved on, was living my life, and just let her go. I was great with the kids, and I was always totally solid as a co-parent, even though I was livid at my W. I was too weak when my W would reach out to me though. I kept seeing it as an opportunity to re-connect with her, and it would always just be a fleeting moment, then she was back to full WAW mode. I swear I could literally see her change before my eyes as she realized "Ok, I've still got him, so I don't need to really worry about what I'm doing." I slowly realized this was a problem, and I did hold tough a few times, but before I had to do anything drastic, my W's affair died on its own.
Now that my W's affair is apparently over, our relationship has calmed so much that I worry it's gotten too "easy", for lack of a better word. My W and I are spending much time together with the kids, she regularly invites me to do things with her and the kids, I've had dinner at her house with friends, she even asked me out to a movie (although she then weaseled out of it). We joke and tease each other, and there is some very casual non-sexual physical contact (fun hitting and poking, hand on the shoulder, hugs, etc). We hang out with our friends, and it's almost like we're still together.
However, my W is still pushing for the legal separation, and shows no real interest in reconciliation. She wants to split up our possessions, come to some agreement on financial separation, a schedule for the kids over holidays, etc. She seems happy as can be at her new house, and is enjoying getting it set up for the long haul. We've been separated for 4 months now.
I've been going along with the separation proceedings, even though in my state I have no obligation to do so. She has no grounds to divorce me, so if I don't want to agree to separation, there's not a whole lot she can do about it. I'm starting to wonder if I should take a stand and refuse to participate anymore, with the reason that we clearly still enjoy being together and we're still functioning as a family in most ways. On the one hand, will she respect that I'm holding tough for what I want, or will it destroy all the good will between us because here I go again trying to stop her from doing what makes her happy? I'm trying to find the balance between still being loving toward her, yet not letting her manipulate me into a separation I don't really want.
Thanks in advance for advice anyone is willing to offer.
