Why do you persist in damaging yourself in this R?
A) Because I think he's wonderful other than........B) Alot of my decisions are based on fear....C) There are good qualities about him that I really like....... D) when we first became a couple, it was WONDERFUL! He was more than I ever imagined, but something went horribly wrong. I still have yet to put my finger on it. It's weird and I guess I stay in this R because once upon a time we had something wonderful. Unfortunately, I was not a nice person to him. I didn't appreciate him, I was angry all the time. And for the life of me, I don't know why I behaved the way that I did. It took its toal on him and he bailed on me. He saw the very worst of me and I guess I don't want him to remember me like that. I'm not that kind of person yet for some unknown reason, I couldn't stand being in the R and so rather than me talking to him, I became mean. And that is not my character. I don't have a mean bone in my body, but I was to him. He didn't do a dang thing to deserve it so I've let him tell me off more than once because I thought I deserved it and if the truth be known, I probably did. But I've taken my licks long enough so I want it to stop so we can go back to the way it was. Does this make sense?
Quit trying to prove that you are "good enough" for an abusive person. (1) It will not get the abusive person to change back into who he acted like at the start of the R, (2) an abusive person is not good enough for you.
It is pretty darn clear that you are recreating bad Rs because you are stuck in replaying very old hurts. Get some help.
I know this is going to sound weird, but I feel as though I was the abuser and he took it for a very long time. I feel as though he is now reacting to my abuse. Help me sort this out. I'm confused.
This is a guy who you have known for a short period of time in a short-term R. You are not responsible for his abusive behavior. It is NOT your fault that he is that way and you will not fix him.
Hmmm. Let me try again. I’m not making excuses for him. I’m trying to find out if I in fact am what he tells me I am. I lived with him for about 8 months. He paid all the bills, cooked all the meals, cleaned the house, etc. I literally went to work and came home. I didn’t contribute any money to speak of. I’ve already told you that I was not a very nice person to him. Anyway, going to bed at night was always something I dreaded because I knew what was about to happen. Fast forward, he just couldn’t take it anymore, he said I took advantage of his kindness, he told me that I used him financially, that I was a taker, etc. As a matter of fact, if he were posting this instead of me, I think you would tell him that I was what he describes me as. But, I will say this. I have never done that to a soul. I’m not sure it’s in me to do these things he accuses me of, but I do see his point. I’m just trying to figure out if I am, in fact, the one that abused him. This is really turning point for me so I need to really hear unbiased opinions.
Depression is very crippling and, having lived with a depressed person, I totally see how it might've been when you two were together, it is like living with a zombie. But again, no matter how x behaved at the time I truly cared for him and since Sep. 2006 til of Jan 08 (on and off) I was there for him even when he gave me nothing. I never rubbed it in his face, I never told him how much he took emotionally from me, he was ill and I choose to stand by him.
Originally Posted By: Gwyn
so I've let him tell me off more than once because I thought I deserved it and if the truth be known, I probably did. But I've taken my licks long enough so I want it to stop so we can go back to the way it was.
He had the right to say "you know what? this isn't working, we should part ways, I am unhappy with this situation", he had no right to verbally abuse you and drive you to the ground because at the time you couldn't give him what he thought you "owed" him. You know how Rs begin, all is great and beautiful and perfect at the beginning. Once you guys moved in together reality set in and you two learned about each other for real, the not so flattering sides of you came out. You now have learned how he truly is, he is a very vindictive and angry person when someone wrongs him. You want back your sweet boyfriend from the first weeks/months, when there were no strings attached and there were no responsibilities. That is not going to happen because the infatuation has run it's curse, accept that what you see is what you get, this is how he truly is, he didn't get what he wanted so he lashed out.
You want someone to tell you that this is a salvageable R, you really want this to work even if this person is toxic and is doing you emotional harm, I dont' think anyone here agrees this is a good person for you hon.
Originally Posted By: Gwyn
A) Because I think he's wonderful other than...
other than him being abusive?
You were (are?) depressed, you were perhaps not the best partner with him but that did not make you an abuser.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
It sounds like you got into the R before you were emotionally available; not really fair to him. Was he abused? No - you didn't MAKE him do these things for you, did you? You wanted someone to take care of you, which he did, without giving anything in return, because you didn't have anything to give. You didn't want to be intimate - just cared for.
You are not ready to be in a R. Neither am I. You have to take care of YOURSELF, all on your own, be complete, before you can be a partner to another, choose to be with someone else. Not need them, or them needing you.
Heal yourself. I can see why he's pissed, but you teach people how you want to be treated - he shouldn't be surprised at your treatment of him. Sounds like he learned a lesson, and he did, too (maybe). Move on. He's not going to go back to being nice-nice, and you need to take care of yourself.
I understand what you're telling me. While I was shutting down, my XF told me to see a counselor, but I didn't think it would be productive because I thought the problem was him, not me so I wouldn't go. I suggested that we go together, but he said it was me that needed to go.
Anyway, I have been battling this for so long and I'm tired. This R is not fun, it's way too much work. If I don't zip up my mouth and give him what he needs then it won't work. He does tell me however, if I meet his needs then I'll be the happiest person in the world.
Here's my question. How do I break up civilly? I don't think no contact is the best approach. I think it's more humane to just express my concerns. Suggestions on how to do this? I've never done it before.
if I meet his needs then I'll be the happiest person in the world
that has got to be on the most selfish things ever said by a man.
Just expressing your concerns... G, this goes beyond just expressing discomfort, is about cutting yourself loose from this person, for both your sakes. Guess there is no perfect way to break up with anyone, you have already apologized tons and have let him have it at you--so the only thing left is to tell him one last time that you are sorry you got into an R with him before you were ready, that you do care for him but that at the moment you have not healed well and can't be the person he wants you to be. My guess is he'll lash out at you so make sure you let him know right away that you can't and won't allow that kind of talk with you anymore. You can do it.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
I don't think you need to apologize for not being who he wants you to be.
How about: "I've realized that we aren't a good fit in terms of what we would like from each other. This R doesn't work for me and continued contact with you as a lover or a friend is not healthy for me. I apologize for my poor behavior at some points in our R. I wish you well in the future. So, I am choosing to say goodbye. I'm sure to miss you, but please respect my decision to end this R. No more explanations, no more arguments, no more criticism or demands from either side -- there is nothing to work out because our R is over."
