Seperated

[LitlHopeAlwys]

Ok so dinner was good. He talked not about R or D, just talked. She brought up the custody subject which was a court date today. I asked her what she wanted and she said it didn't matter what the judge said that she would never keep our S from me. Other then that overall it was just a good night out for the two of us, we were there for almost 3 hours longest we spent together in a long time.

Now on to court today. I think I may have made a big mistake, she was filing for full custody, and i did speak with a lawyer about it. i was told I have 2 options, I could go in front of the judge and say i want legal counsel or the lawyer could go with me to try and speak with W to reach an agreement. Under the lawyer recommendation she was there with me. The W did not look happy, and would not talk, she had no clue that I had a lawyer on retainer. I tried to talk with her and explain different options but she wouldn't listen. All she would say is that I made a big mistake. All I managed to get in was saying that I did it to protect myself, that I wasn't signing over full custody.
She said that I ruined everything, I asked her if there had been any tiny thoughts of R in her mind, and she siad if there were they are gone now. I simply walked away at that point fighting the tears. Now we have to go back on May 19th for custody.
I tried to talk to her breifly after leaving. All I could get is that the next time that she will talk to me will be in court, and that I will be served divorce papers before then.
So much for that little thought or R in her head, talk about screwing up majorly.

[LitlHopeAlwys]

Well it seems like any progress that I had made towards saving the marriage is out the door. Two steps forward and ten steps back. She came to the house this afternoon to pic up some clothes - with a police escort to avoid any problems. The W won't even talk to me now, and won't even allow me to see our child. Hopefully that will change in a few days after she has some time to calm down. Its beginning to look like she is going to make this a bitter nasty fight.

[CityGirl]

Well it seems like any progress that I had made towards saving the marriage is out the door. Two steps forward and ten steps back. She came to the house this afternoon to pic up some clothes - with a police escort to avoid any problems. The W won't even talk to me now, and won't even allow me to see our child. Hopefully that will change in a few days after she has some time to calm down. Its beginning to look like she is going to make this a bitter nasty fight.

I am sure it was upsetting to have a police officer escort her but the main thing is there was no further conflict, she got her things, nobody got hurt and everybody was safe. While those positives might seem slim, they are positives. You avoided further conflict with her and seeing that she is already upset that is a good thing.

Your W didnt like it that you got an attny. Well, tough. You have every right to be protected and find out how to protect your children. A few days of space might help and if your W has an atty it would seem to me they would urge her to not start off swinging and see what sort of agreement can be reached before things get ugly.

When a WAS feels cornered the word divorce flies around. If she files then she files but dont feel bad about protecting yourself. Its necessary and your right as a citizen of this country. Honestly, at this point its probably best if you only see her in court! Anything else, right now, would spell disaster w/her being so angry.

[LitlHopeAlwys]

Your W didnt like it that you got an attny. Well, tough. You have every right to be protected and find out how to protect your children. A few days of space might help and if your W has an atty it would seem to me they would urge her to not start off swinging and see what sort of agreement can be reached before things get ugly.

When a WAS feels cornered the word divorce flies around. If she files then she files but dont feel bad about protecting yourself. Its necessary and your right as a citizen of this country. Honestly, at this point its probably best if you only see her in court! Anything else, right now, would spell disaster w/her being so angry.

I think my W filed for full custody without even speaking to an attorney. I got one simply because when i got served i consulted with an atty, about the family court procedure. My W never did and from conversations that I had with her she was under the impression that the two of us would be able to sit down without lawyers in the judges office and set up custody and visitation. My atty informed me that it does not work like that way, that attys would be with you for that. Maybe I could have been more forth coming with her and not blindsided her with having an atty present, but i think if she knew I had one then she wouldn't say a word to me.

Thanks CityGirl, I am defiantly going to try not to have any communication with her, and maybe find another way to see our son, maybe a relative can get him for me. If she lets me, I have advised my atty about the situation, and it was last left off that I asked my W for her atty name, so that my atty could contact hers in regards to her keeping our son from me. No word back as of yet, which means my atty may be sending a registered letter very soon.

[CityGirl]

I think in situations like this its very important to let the attny handle certain things. Yes, your W might have had an idea of how things will go but it seems she never investigated it and now she is angry that it isnt happening as she assumed.

Once you are served, IMO anyway, you are under no obligation to tell your W you retained counsel. Once it is made known that you have, how you choose to handle things is up to you. Some couples can work together w/the attnys sort of in the background and some cant. But its best to have your own attny IMO.

Keep your attny in the loop and let them help you w/the legal side of things so you can stray strong on the emotional front. That is why you are paying an attny.

[LitlHopeAlwys]

Once you are served, IMO anyway, you are under no obligation to tell your W you retained counsel. Once it is made known that you have, how you choose to handle things is up to you. Some couples can work together w/the attnys sort of in the background and some cant. But its best to have your own attny IMO.

Keep your attny in the loop and let them help you w/the legal side of things so you can stray strong on the emotional front. That is why you are paying an attny.

I guess right now the hardest thing is that we went out on a dinner date, and had a good time together, it almost seemed as if things were heading in the right direction, for a change(I was even contemplating calling the atty not to show for the first day, but was afraid that i would be emotionally weak, even with the atty there the tears were swelling in my eyes.)
Its amazing because not even a month before she left, we were actually trying to get pregnant with our second child, and then about 3 weeks later everything just went down hill. She insists that there is no way she can get over being bitter - but I don;t think that she is willing to try - I know you can't forgive and forget, but things can be worked through and talked about.

The W has even commented on how I lost weight (biking 10+ miles a day, 20 lbs lost), and how the therapy may be helping me(although she is not sure she sees a difference - but she isn't around much) my close friends have noticed it and are amazed at the way nothing gets me anger anymore, they can even hear the change in my attitude on the phone. She even said that I will make a good husband someday - for who, who knows.
Its just mind boggling how fast things turn around from small positive steps to really really negative attitudes.

I think the thing that hurt her the most about me not telling her that i had an atty was because she had sat down to talk with me that she had filed for custody so I wouldn't be blindsided by it. From the way she spoke today while angry still, it doesn't seem like the two of us will be working it out very easily - the attys might be the front line on this one, unless she calms down, and thinks things through. The one thing about my atty is that she is a distant relative - just happens to be half-brothers aunt - whom the W and i have met and talked to at holidays for a year or so now(I actually choose here as the atty hoping the W would be more comfortable). Maybe I'm just too nice a person now and always thinking about the W's convenience and feelings.
There was one thing that my atty did point out today at one point after my W wouldn't talk to me, when I was sitting with my atty she directed me to look at her. She actually had some tears in her eyes and was upset or hurt - the atty seemed to think that she may still care or have some feelings still there. Albeit that if she does she is certainly trying to keep them from surfacing and trying to avoid them bringing us closer to R.

[CityGirl]

Look, court and attnys and anything legal is scary stuff! Especially when its about a marriage and custody - two very emotionally charged reasons for needing an attny. Lets say you won 10 million bucks and retained an attny to protect you - that would be awesome but when you need an attny for something not so great, well, it adds lots of "ick" to the mix.

I would say to give your W space right now. She feels blindsided (never a good feeling), she might be scared, frustrated, nervous, upset and a whole slew of things. And right now, in her eyes, you created all those feelings by getting an attny and her not knowing about it. That is not to say you did anything wrong by retaining counsel for protection and guidance but right now its doubtful she will see it that way. Anything you say or do right now is just going to add fuel to the fire and create more negative feelings IMO.

Maybe you can talk to your attny about the best approach to use. For example - if your W does not have counsel then I think the attny would have to contact your W directly. And maybe your attny can use an approach that really gets the message across that you would like to keep things friendly and amicable. Who wants to get in a legal war? NOBODY! But right now your W feels blindsided so she will go to self protection mode.

[LitlHopeAlwys]

It's so difficult to resist the urge to contact her today. I feel so much pain in my heart that I may have killed the only thought in her mind for R. Right now I'm doing my best to make it through the day without contacting her and letting her cool off, and possibly trying to contact her tomorrow after work to spend time with my S.

[LitlHopeAlwys]

Well I called the wife to try and see our son, or make arrangemnets to see him for tommorrow. The W answered denied me seeing him at all, I tried to explain to her that she can't leaglly keep me from being able to see her and she hung up. 15 minutes later, she called back and said that she is meeting with a lawyer on Thursday, and that her lawyer will contact mine, and I may be able to see him Thursday evening
This time she stayed on the phone a little longer telling me that because i blindsided her yesterday by having a lawyer present that that is the final straw. She said any trust that she had regained in me is now gone, and that any chance at this even being friendly is over. That she will have her lawyer serve me with divorce papers now also. I asked her to just keep it to custody for now and lets see what happens from there. With how angry and upset she is at me, all I can do is wait and see, I'll have to disappear, back to the last resort technique - now read that chapter 4 times, from her for a while hoping she gets over it. I was even at the point that something old from four relationship grabbed her attention.
So now I know that I fell way back, beyond square one, and will have a lot more of her anger and bitterness to deal with. I still have hope in my heart that this marriage can be saved - hopefully there is a small glimmer in hers also.
Anyone with any advise or suggestions, I could defiantly use them at this point.

[LitlHopeAlwys]

I have a question, which I'm sure has been asked here in the past.

Do I continue to wear my wedding ring or do I take it off?

Right now I am holding on to the smallest degree of hope that the W and I can salvage the M. She has already taken her rings off, and I continue to wear mine. At one point when I was picking up my S3, in front of her he asked me to take it off so he could play with it. My answer to him in front of W, was that no it daddy's and will stay on daddy's hand until mommy forces me to remove it. No response from her and we got ready to leave.