WAW - Very confused and devastated - pt 8

[confusedinpa]

Well, it started really early this morning at 6:18 AM with contact from the wife.

"Sometime this week I would like to talk to u about the kids b day party...maybe lunch time or after the kids go to bed"

Prior to her moving, I had asked her to wait a week so we can have the kids B'day in the family home without it being overshadowed by her leaving. She had refused but I told her that I was planning on having one in May like we do every year. She had offered to help.

What do you all think? Should I just do it by myself and invite her? Or accept her help?

It still strikes me as odd that a WAW who needs time and space from me keeps finding reasons to contact me.....

[confusedinpa]

She wanted space. Give it to her.

I'm giving her space. I only contact her when I'm returning a call (usually wait at least 30 minutes) and I don't return all of them. I'm balancing between being a total jerk of blowing her off and polite/cordial.

I rarely talk about what's going on with me (trying to stay mysterious)

Not sure what else to do or how to handle it. I didn't get home till almost 8:30 PM last nite and called to say good nite to my kids. I don't want to not talk to them because of what I'm trying to do with her.

It's so hard to decide what is the right thing to do or how to handle it.

I know that the woman I married is gone. My wife has become a different person and I'm trying to decide what to do. Not with respect to whether or not I want to build a new marriage with her, but how to attract her back.

Every situation is different. I know it may be impossible. For me and for my kids, I need to try.

[confusedinpa]

Well, it started really early this morning at 6:18 AM with contact from the wife.

"Sometime this week I would like to talk to u about the kids b day party...maybe lunch time or after the kids go to bed"

Prior to her moving, I had asked her to wait a week so we can have the kids B'day in the family home without it being overshadowed by her leaving. She had refused but I told her that I was planning on having one in May like we do every year. She had offered to help.

What do you all think? Should I just do it by myself and invite her? Or accept her help?

It still strikes me as odd that a WAW who needs time and space from me keeps finding reasons to contact me.....

Anybody?

[confusedinpa]

Well, it started really early this morning at 6:18 AM with contact from the wife.

"Sometime this week I would like to talk to u about the kids b day party...maybe lunch time or after the kids go to bed"

I wound up replying to her text from this morning that I couldn't do lunch today or tomorrow, but could Thurs. Not sure if that was the right move or not......

[MrBond]

Plan it together. But keep it strictly to that.

Your problem is that you're jumping ahead of yourself in terms of not wanting to upset her if you don't respond, attracting her, etc.

Since you started your "separation" you have been there for her for everything. You have to get her to start missing you. That means NO CONTACT or very short contact. Just stay busy and if she calls just say you were busy.

Let her wonder about you.

[confusedinpa]

Plan it together. But keep it strictly to that.

Your problem is that you're jumping ahead of yourself in terms of not wanting to upset her if you don't respond, attracting her, etc.

Since you started your "separation" you have been there for her for everything. You have to get her to start missing you. That means NO CONTACT or very short contact. Just stay busy and if she calls just say you were busy.

Let her wonder about you.

That's a good point about wondering about me.

Last nite, I had called her at 8:30 PM to say good nite to the boys. She had made a comment about how she was going to call me but thought I had my therapy appointment late on Monday. I told her I did just get home, but when she's not going to counseling with me, I schedule my appointment at 5:00 PM.

She was very talkative after that and called me a couple of times afterwards (basically nonsense stuff). One of the times I told her I was in the middle of something so I couldn't talk.

I'm trying to make myself unavailable, but not at the expense of the boys. It's a fine line.

I had lunch with one of my friends today. She told me I need to be careful not to give her so much space that she decides that I've given up/moved on so there is nothing to consider anymore. Not sure if that's a possibility or not, but it did make me think....

[davidswife]

I disagree with your friend. Re-read DB.

[confusedinpa]

I disagree with your friend. Re-read DB.

Fortunately my friend is NOT a DB'er. She is happily married and intends to keep it that way. I know she's not familiar with the DB philosophy. It was just an interesting perspective.

[spellfire]

As do I. That is "traditional wisdom", and the advice you will receive from people who have not actually looked deeply into the subject.

I'm proud of you man, I know how hard this must all be, and you are keeping it together for your kids.

[MrBond]

"She was very talkative after that and called me a couple of times afterwards (basically nonsense stuff). One of the times I told her I was in the middle of something so I couldn't talk."

Before she starts getting talkative, just say, I was just about to go out with some friends so I just wanted to say goodnight to the boys before they went to bed. Then end it.

Right now you are a crutch for her and you will continue to be until she finds someone else. Then she will move all her attention to her new man and you will be left out in the cold wondering, WTH happened? Think about it as preventive medicine.

You have to start this before it happens. Is that what you want to be used as? A crutch until another man comes along? Keep things cordial initially, then become friends again.

"I had lunch with one of my friends today. She told me I need to be careful not to give her so much space that she decides that I've given up/moved on so there is nothing to consider anymore. "

This is true, however you've only been at it for a week. She hasn't even been weaned off of you. All you're doing is giving her the space she wanted. She's still using you to make herself feel comfortable until she finds someone else that will do it for her. Do you want to be used like that?