Separated but keeping the Faith

[K4D]

Same. I wonder who David is? I know Stacy is his wife.

Alright, I'm just being goofy now.

Kevin

[PortlandDad]

Hey Jag, how are things? It's been a while since I checked in on your sitch. Hope your week is going well.

[jaguilar]

The week is going pretty good. I had a field trip with D10 yesterday. We had a blast. Next week I ahve a feidl trip with D8 and then the following week, a minor league basbell field trip with D10.

I got served on 04/14. I have a court date on 04/27. I have no $ for an attorney. My C hooked me up with her friend for now. But I have to go to court, by myself, and tell the judge I would like a continuance. So I get to play lawyer, this should be fun.

Also a little upset with the W. She has been talking up the D with the kids. Getting really upset to the point where they are starting to doubt praying. I told them to always believe but don't get upset if your prayers are not answered. This can only make us stronger. Then W goes and tells them that she still loves daddy but we're going to be a different family and that we're still going to get a divorce. Now she wants to spend time with us on the weekends. I told her that she can't, we need these boundaries and rules. I could understand if she wanted to hang out with us and we were actually trying to make the M work. but she doesn't want to go to counseling because she says she can't. I still don't know what "can't" means. To me that is not an answer. We had a 2 hour talk earliuer this week and it was great. I listened and valdiated. She also told me that somebody is telling her that I cheated on her from day 1 of us being married. I told her that is not true and I didn't know why she was listening to other people. She said I was trying to put words in her mouth, then I said ok ask me whatever you want. She asked the same questions three different ways and then she said, "you're right I don't beleieve you."

Man, I don't know what the hell is going on with her. I can see now that she is hurting and doesn't know what to think. But stop telling the kids about the D. She is also telling me that she is the bad guy in all this, I told her that she shouldn't feel that way but then again, this was her choice to leave and file for D.

I do have some otions for her to give her time but I don't want to say anything until after I see a L.

And my Spurs choked last night!!!!

[K4D]

In your very first post, you said you were seeing a lady but that you ended it. Did she ask about that during the 2 hour talk?

You said she probably had an affair or 2 and you have some proof. Did she bring any of that up from her own self?

I would just say like you are, let the past wash itself away. I told my W between her affairs and my past mistakes, I consider the 2 a wash and lets start new. Of course that didn't work, but the point is, I agree with what you are saying. Forget the past.
Start moving forward. I don't know why spouses can't say ok, the past is the past. How do we fix today and going forward?

You are saying that you can see she is hurting. You also are not letting her come over to spend time with yall on your time probably because she is going through with this D and she needs a taste of her medicine is my guess on that one?

Thats a fine line decision. I wouldn't quite be sure where to draw that line, but I guess you have to draw it somewhere. Is it reverse psychology you are using or you just decided that if she wants to be this way you can be to?

I'm not sure that I would block her though from being part of yall. If she wants to be part of yall, its extra time for you to put your best foot forward in front of her.

On the other hand, Stuck808 would probably tell you to block her and stand up for your rights for your time with the kids and that she would respect you more.

And maybe she is because you got that 2 hour phone call in from her. hmm...

I'm just trying to figure out if it is pissing her off and making her push forward with the D or if it is making her step back and think twice about the D and if she really wants this.

What options do you have for her after you see a L?

Kevin

[jaguilar]

I've talked to some folks already that have spoken to my W. They say she is hurting and at times doesn't know what she wants. They also feel that she is just acting on pure emotion and not thinking things through. She is also like her father, so full of pride. That can be a good thing or a bad thing. Right now, it ain't good.

[PortlandDad]

Jag, our Ws are at the same place. Only difference is yours has filed, and mine hasn't. Fact is, I'm the one that wants to file if she doesn't pull her head out of her nethers.

If is definitely pain they are feeling, though, and making bad, bad decisions as a result. So stubborn and prideful. If it didn't hurt so bad it would almost be comical: to see them standing knee-deep in the crap that is their sitch, shaking their fists at us and being defiant.

[jaguilar]

Tonight I called them, I'm getting out of work early. Wanted to see if the kids want to spend the night. My wife's BF is gonna be there. I can't stand her. But I'm gonna put on my happy face and pick up my baby girl.

[MrBond]

Hey Jag,

Kevin's right to a point as to what I would say. RIGHT NOW spend the time you have with your girls alone. It's your time and right now everything is very fresh in terms of the pain and anger between you and your W.

Unfortunately you can't prevent her from saying what she wants to to your Ds. What you can do is to be there to support and comfort your Ds since your W is giving off such mixed signals. You have to serve as the consistent rock of the family right now because your W is all over the place.

If there is something that you feel your W is saying that is disrespectful to you or your Ds, then talk it over with her. You're going to have to be as calm as you can and talk it over like adults.

After both of you have cooled off a bit, then I would ask her every now and then to something the whole family can do. But definitely not all the time.

Take it one day at a time. If you want to save your M, then fine. That's your goal. Don't deviate from that path. Get strong and confident so you don't cry anymore. We've all been there and I'll be the first one to tell you that overcoming the fear of D is the hardest thing I had ever had to do.

And it doesn't get any easier to be brutally honest. There are only two things that will help you. Prayer and patience. LOTS AND LOTS OF BOTH.

[jaguilar]

Thanks Stuck, I appreciate the words of encouragement. When you think you've been out to the woodshed once, they drag you out there again.

Like I said earlier, I don't know if her friends, lawyer or if she is the one that wants to hang out with us. I don't want to tell the kids because that will confuse them even more. I can't waste my time trying to figure her out. That will drive me nuts. Right?

I'm going to suck it up and be the damn best piece of granite I can be.

I'll keep DBing and posting.

[K4D]

Thats the right attitude Jaguilar. Don't over analyze it. It will only drive you nuts. You can see what it did to me.

Be the granite. I like that actually. Thats pretty good.

Definitely keep DBing and posting.

When you get down, think about the joy of your kids and being with them and how much they love and adore you. I am putting my joy in my kids now.

By the way, I wish I had the day tomorrow. Dollar hotdogs at the horse track tomorrow. Dollar beers also, but I don't drink anymore. But what a deal for those that enjoy it. I have a guy I work with that is going tomorrow for that. I don't know if you are ever into that sort of thing or not. I used to like the dog track in Florida. Horses are harder because you have to take into account the jockey.

Anyways, I hope you are enjoying your evening.

Kevin