Well tonight we were all together to watch my son's first baseball practice of the season. My W arrived in a truly foul mood, I assume due to drama with OM. I had fun with the kids, and kidded around with my W and before long she was smiling and in a better mood. After my son's practice she invited me to have pizza with them, which I did and we all had a nice time, although my W remained quite negative. I'm really starting to resent the fact that my W's affair is affecting her ability to be a good mother to our kids. She was crabby and impatient with them, and it really angers me that her priorities are so out of wack and selfish. I know I'm walking a fine line here, but this can't go on much longer before I have to take a stand.
Spent another afternoon and evening with the W and kids at wife's invitation. Went miniature golfing and had dinner together. W said she had a fun time, and I agree, but saying goodbye is always tough. W was friendly, but kept her wall solidly up.
Obviously she wants to spend time with me or she wouldn't invite me. She uses the excuse that's it's for the kids, but I know if she didn't want to see me, she wouldn't be inviting me. I worry that because the OM is so far away, I'm just her second choice. I don't know, and I think asking her would not be a wise move.
I'd really like to get the opinion of some of the other folks here that have dealt with separation and affairs.
Transitioned the kids from W to me this afternoon. It's awesome having the kids, but the transitions are hard on all of us.
What I would love to know is why my W is being so nice to me. I'm nice in return, but I don't if I should be. The kids are her power over me. I so much want to keep things as positive as possible between us to ease the strain on the kids, so I always act happy and fun during the transitions. They are the poor innocent victims here, forced to ride this train. I worry that my desire to protect the kids from negativity is making me look weak to my W. She's under this illusion that they're just fine, yet I'm left holding them while they cry and ask why we can't all live together. She says that's normal and healthy. Yes, that is normal for kids who are forced to endure separation and divorce, and it is healthy for them to express their feelings, but that doesn't make it okay that they've had to endure this.
To answer a previous question on here, if its good for the kids to have the 2 of you spend time together, Yes, absolutely, if you are not fighting or being nasty to each other. They need to know that the 2 of you are still a team an will continue to work together to make sure that they are safe.
Future, I had a similar situation, my H's OW was in another part of the state, on an island that he could only take an expensive plane ride to if he wanted to see her, so I had that on my side, in fact, because he was so far away from her, she started seeing someone else. H tried to surprise her, and caught her with her OTHER boyfriend. It would be beautiful if it wasnt so heartbreaking. Now we have been separated for 9 months, and just taking things a day at a time. No R talk, we are just reestablishing our friendship. He is living on the other side of the country so Im kind of forced to keep it slow.
I think that its hopeful that your W wants to spend time with you, and you have been doing some great DBing. Be patient, it took years for your M to get to this point, its not going to take time to fix too. Stay strong for your kids, and dont stop rebuilding this friendship with your wife, I thought that you said that they had broken the A off? Reestablishing your friendship very often is part of repairing your R.
Last edited by bluerain; 04/26/0907:08 PM.
I guess I gave the wrong finger to the wrong man...
Thanks for the reply. We are absolutely a team when it comes to the kids. In the past, we never put our issues before our responsibilities as parents, and I know my W is relieved that we are maintaining that, mostly. It's just really hard on me since my W's wall is still up so strong, and truthfully, so is mine, so these times together are so weird. They're not really tense, but it's clear there is an elephant in the room that is off limits to discuss, so we are left just chit chatting about little mundane details of our life. I try to joke around, but my heart isn't always really in it. I also worry that it's sending a confusing message to the kids. Are mommy and daddy apart or aren't they?
I don't have great intel about my W's A. I do know they "broke up" about a month ago, whatever that means when they're separated by thousands of miles. The A started crumbling right after she came back from seeing him the last time, so I assume it didn't go well. I know they still talk regularly, as in several times per week. So is it still an A? I say yes. My wife's mood fluxuates wildly day to day for reasons she won't discuss, which I take to mean trouble with OM. From what I've read about affairs, they tend to sputter for a long while before they just die, so that's probably what's going on. I know I can't really trust anything she does or says until it's really over, and she never discusses it with me, for obvious and good reasons.
Thank you for reminding me I need to be patient. It is very hard sometimes. I understand I need to re-establish a friendship with my W, but I get such conflicting advice. On the one hand, re-building the friendship is the first step to reconciliation, but on the other hand, I shouldn't allow her to cake eat, I shouldn't be a doormat, she needs to think I've moved on, etc. That's where I'm really stuck.
Last night my W and MIL came over to the house to visit with the kids for a while and we had a really nice time. We all just sat around the dining room table and talked while kids sat around us coloring in their coloring books and showing us their masterpieces. It felt genuinely warm and comfy and almost normal, to me anyway. My W was smiling and kind and friendly, and seemed very at home in the house. They were only going to come for a quick visit to say goodnight to the kids, but ended up staying for well over and hour. I was sad when they got up to leave, not that I showed it. My W thanked me for letting her come over to see the kids, and then spontaneously gave me a big hug and held on a little tighter and a little longer than a normal friendly hug. I just hugged her back and let her dictate how long it lasted.
I wish I knew what was going on. I wish I knew what the status of the OM is. I assume if my W is serious about moving us forward at all, she'll eventually bring it up. If she makes a really bullish move toward me, like asking me out for a date, should I bring it up? I really don't want to be with her if she's still involved with him in any way. Given that the OM is so far away, I will not tolerate being her surrogate boyfriend, which is essentially the role she had me in last fall before I knew the truth.
Even if she her affair is completely over, I'm still not totally sure how I'd want to proceed, but I know that's the number one requirement for even cracking open the door.
I would say, if it is important to you, then you should talk about. However, you don't have to ask. Let's assume that you two are having a dinner together at some point. You could say something to the effect of, "I do enjoy spending time with you. But it is important to me that we be exclusive with each other. You don't have to tell me anything about your relationship with OM, but if we are not being exclusive together, then I would rather we didn't spend time together." That lets her know what your boundary is. And she knows how to act based on her situation, which she doesn't even have to confide to you.
Thanks Sara. That's an idea I may just use if the opportunity present itself. However, my W should already know my boundary. A few days after my W moved out, her strength weakened, and she came to me looking for comfort. I told her "As long as your involved with someone else, I can't offer you anything." If she still remembers that moment, she knows where my boundary is. Right now all of our together time has been centered on the kids, which I'm tolerating, for now, although I still wonder if I should. Before I heard of my W's affair "breaking up", we did have a little family time here and there, and it was quite strained. Now it's much more frequent, much less tense, and longer in duration. I don't know how my W feels about it, but it serves to remind me of what I lost, and is stalling my ability to move on. I can't continue like this forever.
Almost used your initials to start this note, but it didn't look good. So I guess I'll call you future.
future,
It is the unsaid things that we thought the other knew that got us where we are in the first place. So, I would say, never assume that she knows what you think or feel. And secondly, I think waiting around and putting your life on hold is a mistake. That empowers her to keep doing what she is doing.....very little. You need to get a life, and be happy and busy doing it. If she decides that she wants to be part of that life, then you have a decision to make, whether to adjust your life to make room for her, or not. But as long as the door is wide open waiting for her to walk through it, what is her motivation?
I am really trying to live my life regardless of my W's actions, and I'm doing fairly well. I was actually doing better when her affair was going strong, as I really wanted nothing to do with her. Now she's returning to normal somewhat, and we're enjoying some time together, so that's got me somewhat caught up in the hope trap, which is a dangerous place to be. That's part of why I finally wanted to tell my story here. It was sort of obvious to me what to do before, but not so much now, and I was looking for a little advice.
