OK, I just got back on, read a few posts and responded... I have to put the brakes on a minute.
I know that the last few things I wrote were about how I can't fathom being friends with X.
I guess it is something that has been perculating in the background for me, not something I am dwelling on consciously. But, there it is!
Another way to beat myself up a little? I still struggle with finding it easier to forgive X than myself...but maybe that is me displacing the feelings.
I have to embrace how my life is, and is going to be, better off without him.
Wow, even typing those words out is hard.
I thought for a while that I should make up the Ann Landers list, "Are you better off with him or without him?" Without the list, I revert to the Better off With him stance, but that is only while I imagine what COULD be, not with what is. Now, I think I should do something different... "You're a single mom - what do you want to fill your life and thoughts with, now?"
Yes, he still has too much real estate up in my brain. Still having dreams about him. It all gets better in very small increments. But its not keeping me from work, or spending time with my kids, at least. I have to find some more outlets for myself, though - very busy with work and keeping up the house. I am looking forward to the summer!
btw, the Break was great - lots of time with the kids, a chance to kick back and relax. I wonder when I won't be thinking of what X is missing out on, though. We were all very in-the-moment while we were out and about, but the thought kept creeping back into my head, fleeting. And we had gone a few times while we were together, too, so I remembered that... At least it didn't get in the way of us having a good time!
Your vision for the future is a bit foggy right now, but you need clarity now more than ever. Therefore, in order to understand what you want for yourself, you need to take all the time you need to ponder where you want to take your life over the next five years. Do not apologize for being slow -- your future is too important! Luckily it won't take long for you to come up with a few ideas, especially since you see a great opportunity that could change everything.
Oh, and on another note regarding in-laws (x inlaws)...
I put some thought on what all was said here about the sitch. Last week, I spoke with MIL about it. I reiterated that I didn't want to ever be in the way of her relationships with her kids and extended family, that I appreciated them and all that they've done. But, if there was ever a time that they wanted to change the living arrangements, I would "get it."
She said that she and FIL consider this home, but realizes that things would probably be different now if they hadn't lived here through the mess. That she thought God was at work that they were here, and doesn't know what would have happened to me if they weren't here then. I told her she doesn't have to feel responsible for me in that way anymore, or ever again. She said, well, what would I do about the rent - didn't I need the money? I said yes, but I would either rent the apt out or sell the house if need be for something smaller, it wasn't a big deal. She told me about her cousin's house back down on LI, and how he had assumed that they would move in there when FIL retired (in Nov!). She said she had no idea where he got that idea from. We ended the convo with her saying she would talk to FIL about it.
They are leaving for a short trip to FL tomorrow, for their nephew's wedding, her sister's son. This is the sister I visited soon after X moved out, but has been telling MIL that she has to find forgiveness for her son. Three of their five kids will be down there, too (x doesn't have the $). I wasn't invited.
And its ok. I bet if I had been able to remain friends with X, invitations would still be extended (maybe not). Who wants the drama? Same thing with a SIL, the one who excluded me from her wedding shower and caused a lot of drama within the family (she's pregnant now, and I'm not anticipating an invite to the baby shower, either).
If they move, maybe MIL and I will remain friends, maybe not. I would expect it would go back to much the way it was before they moved in here - cards, the occasional rare phone call, get-togethers for some family functions. Some people are in your life for a season (remember that saying?), and I can accept that.
These people from your husband's family are not in your family anymore. Try to stop looking at yourself as "not invited" and feeling rejected. I didn't invite you to my dinner party either. You are simply out of the picture. And, it isn't about you, so don't personalize it.
Regarding your EX-in-laws and their family -- you ARE in the way of their Rs with their kids and extended family. Wishing that wasn't the case won't change things. Maybe you all want to live with that fact, but don't avoid it. Your interference in their family would be greatly lessened if you were not living with them. Your MIL feeds on enmeshment, she isn't likely to stop taking responsibility for your emotional/physical/monetary welfare. You can already pretty much tell from her words that she has told someone that they can't move because you need their income.
And, try to give up your secret hope of saving the family home for when XH returns. It isn't going to happen, and if it did, you'd have a much better chance of reconciling on neutral ground rather than the scene of the crime, ongoing betrayals, and so on.
I actually wasn't feeling rejected from this wedding; more from the shower coming up. This baby would have been my nephew; it is weird. When my SIL (xSIL) got divorced, I was sad that her X made no effort to meet my new baby. It was only a short time after their split, and we had both "come into" the family over the same weekend - he just disappeared. I tried to understand, then, but it was hard since I felt as close to him as I had to the other sibs - I knew them all for the same amount of time. The other sibs actually got a bit ticked that he was so avoident, and gave up trying to be in touch with him after a while. I SO get it, now. I guess I just develop loyalties and connections more readily than they did.
Would it be more "normal" to just stop caring about these people who were family to me for more than 20 years? I wonder about the enmeshment issue...where is the line?
Saving the family home? No, not attached to this place, either. Not sure if I could sell it, though - the market is not what it used to be (might not be able to sell it for what I have out in loans on it), and there are repair issues that would have to be addressed. Expensive ones, along with tax things and permits that were never secured. There is all the work that was put into the apt, a back deck, the hot tub, upgraded electric panel (not sure if that was done through the town or not - probably not), the front deck, a shed.....it might be a small fortune owed to the town for variances. And remember all of the things he did (and didn't do?), like the pool fiasco and the sun room? I am just now trying to get those repaired.
I actually wouldn't have minded finding another place - I have never loved this house. Its a long ranch. Nice yard, but on a slope. You can hear the highway from the front. There have been a lot of updates that have made me happier with it, and the apt income-potential, though. But being a seller in this market sucks, there were the in-laws, and it would be another adjustment for the kids...
You said "chance of reconcilling." What on earth gave you the impression that that might even be a possibility? Am I missing something?
I see that people are still referring to you living with them, not as it actually is. They are living in your apartment that is attached to YOUR house.
My understanding is that they don't have to interact if they don't want to. If you would like to talk to your former-in-laws and let them know that you don't want them to feel obligated to rent from you then fine. But I really don't think you should toss them out as long as everything is good between you. I think you have already discussed boundaries and as long as everything is laid out I think it is fine. Hopefully that includes not talking about ex.
Yes I think you are still hung up on your ex. It takes a while and if I have learned anything is that you will be ready to let it go when you are. You certainly will feel less pain once you do but no one can say it is time get over it, because it is different for everyone.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
In thinking back, there really isn't any kind of "talk" about X. On the weekend that we came back from vacation, I let the kids go to see him for lunch on that Sat. MIL asked me why: said she hoped I knew it wouldn't "earn any points from him," that he wouldn't reciprocate, etc. I just said that I did it for the kids - had nothing to do with him. And that's the truth; they had missed him. She seems angrier at him than I am; I have found that it is much better to not talk to her about the sitch at all, anymore. I don't bring it up.
As for being hung up on X...yep, but I think it is more in the abstract, now. I am hung up on a man who doesn't exist, who may have never existed. It is the idea, the possibilities that I could see in the future, based on long-ago perceptions from the past. And there are some of the more down-to-earth issues, like having someone to call on a whim, snuggle with, have help with the work of life, an understanding sounding board, the person in your corner all the time...being married in general, not as specific to him.
Just going with the changes, even if it is really slow-going.
Thanks kat - its easier to change a thought while you're awake, than at night in a dream. Those are a PITA, shows I'm still dealing with stuff.
