So I finally decided to put a thread on here and get some advice. Not going to go into what got my M here, it doesn’t really matter at this point but no OP or MLC. If anyone is interested I do have a thread somewhere on the separated forum. Anyway for about the last two to three months things seem to be getting better between me and my W. When were together no tension just pretty much fun. Now those times are not that often but that’s fine.
A few weeks ago she bought a new car, great she needed one. Well she calls me from the dealership to get my opinion. I told her well I have no idea but I’m sure you’ve done your research and know that you are getting a good deal so I think you should do it. It did surprise me she called but I’m glad she did. Later that night I called to joke with her about how many times she opened the garage door to look at her car. I then asked her if I told her I thought buying the car was a bad idea would she really not have bought it, she said she asked three people and if any of the said no she wasn’t going to, so I still in the top three the others were her parents and sister. The reason I bring this up is it had been a loooooog time since she asked my opinion on anything that didn’t have to do with the kids. Anyway fast forward to the week before Easter, it was our kids spring break and I decided I was going to ask her to dinner (on Thursday) when the kids were at her parents. Well I had to stop by on Tuesday to sign our taxes (yep we still filled jointly) and we were talking about Easter (my weekend) and when I would have the kids back on Sunday. Her parents, sister, her and the kids were going to go to my SIL for dinner. I told her I wasn’t sure yet I didn’t want to give up my whole day, well she said her Mom thought I should just come to dinner, YEAH . So I said sure, great. That did make me rethink asking her to dinner didn’t want do too much at one time.
So Wednesday night I decided I was going to ask, what did I have to lose? So I called and she is in an AWFUL mood luckily I did have another reason to call asked her and got off the phone. No way was I going to ask her when she was like that.
Fast forward to Friday…I was meeting her parents to get my kids and she called to see if I have them yet, nope…Little small talk(fyi this whole conv is said in almost laughing tones)…So I said you sound like your in a better mood today, she said she is, said Wednesday just sucked…I said too bad I was going to ask you to dinner but didn’t think you’d say yes. Well you should have I didn’t do anything last night…Me would you have said yes…Her I guess you’ll never know (laughing)…Me maybe you’ll get lucky and I’ll ask you again someday…Her YOU might get lucky and I’ll say yes…pretty much end of conv. since kids showed up. Easter Sunday GREAT day, it seemed for me, kids, MIL, FIL, SIL, wife was almost like she would rather have been anywhere else. My inlaws were great to me better than in a long time, I was a little nervous being around them the whole day but it was great. Couldn’t and still can’t figure out this wrt my W.
So some questions…
I’m only supposed to pay attention to half of what they do, when it’s just us and the kids things are great, if anyone else is around she’s more distant.
She has D papers, has had them since last June, they are still unopened sitting on her desk. She has till June to either go forward or the case is dismissed. No real question here just FYI
She still doesn’t really invite me to do anything when she has the kids, I do sometimes, she goes sometimes. Do I keep asking her?
I don’t really do any pursuing or haven’t except maybe the dinner thing I’m wondering if maybe she wants me too (a female opinion would be great here). Funny thing is when we first started dating she asked me out first, I said no the first time and she actually asked again.
Sorry this is so long but any opinions would be great…
Me:40 W: 39 T: 17 years M: 15 years S-9 D-6 D final 11/10/2009
"We are all faced with a series of great opportunities brilliantly disguised as insoluble problems."
Sounds like you're in a good place...compared to a lot of us here. I'd keep doing what you've been doing. Sounds OK under the circumstances. Remember PATIENCE! I need to remember it too! But, I'd give anything for our relationship to be where yours is right now. Sounds to me like you're doing good. Keep it up...and don't pursue. Play it cool. She knows you care, and she knows what you want. Don't remind her...you don't need to.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
I'd give anything for our relationship to be where yours is right now.
Thanks for that just remember it has taken me almost two years so you are right patience is the key. There are many days that I do want to quit, since it's been so long and I just want this to come to a conclusion.
It just seems like there has to be a time when I have to go out on a limb and ask about things like "dates"...
Me:40 W: 39 T: 17 years M: 15 years S-9 D-6 D final 11/10/2009
"We are all faced with a series of great opportunities brilliantly disguised as insoluble problems."
Sometimes I think people make a decision they really don't want to, and quit, just to go ahead and have some type of conclusion. I don't want to do that...and I don't think that you do either.
This is hard, living this way, not knowing, etc.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
When, and how, do you get to where you stop wondering where they are and what they're doing?
LOL if you figure that out let me know. Seriously it's time like the whole process. The weekends that I have the kids are hard even though I almost always know where she is and what she is going.
Quick story...Over a year ago my W and I got into a HUGE fight about spending time together. I had called her one morning when I had the kids to see if she wanted to go bowling with us, well she said she was in the middle of cleaning the closets but thanked me...That night I called her so she could talk with the kids and she was in a car, I was livid, just tore into her about how she couldn't do anything as a family but could go out at night (btw it was with her S to an art gallery). Almost all of our fights were about spending time together. I would get angry we weren't and her reply was why would I want to spend time with someone who fights with me...(Great point, see that now)...I still can get jealous if she goes out with friends but she would NEVER see that now, and on those days sleep doesn't come easy.
Me:40 W: 39 T: 17 years M: 15 years S-9 D-6 D final 11/10/2009
"We are all faced with a series of great opportunities brilliantly disguised as insoluble problems."
It would help to know more of your sitch - especially a long sitch such as yours, knowing the history would help.
That said, remember the "rules" of DB are guidelines, and there is some flexability, and different sitchs require different actions. One of the rules is do something different. If you have not been perusing, and you seem "stuck", it might be time for some minor pursuit - be careful, try it and monitor. Just ask for one really date like thing - dinner and a movie, mini-golf, anything that you and W may have done before you got married. Just ask, and monitor. If she says no, and the no is just no, busy, what have you but not ugly, then wait a week and try again. If she says yes, be ready for her to change her mind at last moment, or have a reason not to show, and DONT GET MAD AT HER IF IT DOES - at least dont let her know if you get mad. Step back and try again another time. You could also look at this as a 180 - if you have not been asking her on dates, it is a change for you and could have positive results.
Her comments seem to be hints that she wants you to pursue a bit - you telling her about almost asking was somewhat a db no-no, but in this case it worked out well - she opened up to you and pretty much made it clear she was open to the suggestion.
As for the distance when others are around - typical WAW actions, and from what I can gather here your W fits WAW description. If others see positives, she has to admit them, to herself. But keep this in mind - people who want you out of their lives do NOT invite you to their families holiday gatherings!
Remember that at some point she convinced herself she was better off without you - enough to get the D papers started.. but since then something has stopped her - it was not you, at least not directly, but it was her, perhaps in response to changes you have made.
Tell us about what you have changed - how you have become better. Tell us what W has let you know about what was wrong, why she wanted the D (without the WAW phrases like ILYBNILWY).
There are definitely positives in your story - sounds like it needs a little push.
Good luck! Let us know how it goes.
Remember
X Love, confidence, trust, and patience. Most Recent Thread
Well couldn't find my old stuff on the separated board so here goes...I have/had an addiction to painkillers, realized I had the problem and stopped. The issue she had was that she didn't know about the problem until after I quit so she said she couldn't trust me anymore. Did the whole rehab thing and I've been clean for right at two years. For a while after I was clean I had a hard time finding a good job, now I've got a great job.
The only R talk we've had in the last nine months was at Christmas. She said she was still going to D since she still has trust issues, I took that as a good thing, going from never going to trust you again to trust issues.
Me:40 W: 39 T: 17 years M: 15 years S-9 D-6 D final 11/10/2009
"We are all faced with a series of great opportunities brilliantly disguised as insoluble problems."
One other thing about her I can't figure out is the closet in the master bedroom. I still have some clothes in there, obviously nothing I would really wear but still there. She still only hangs her clothes to what used to be our "splitting point".
I helped her change the storm door this weekend and the screen is kept in a storage area behind the closet, no snooping...
Me:40 W: 39 T: 17 years M: 15 years S-9 D-6 D final 11/10/2009
"We are all faced with a series of great opportunities brilliantly disguised as insoluble problems."
