BUNS, ABS, AND HEART OF STEEL #3

[TRUSTING]

Lord,

Thank you for your insights and especially what you said about my posts. That affirmation is exactly what I needed tonight.

I have just gotten back from meeting with my Ml'er. We got together to discuss parenting my teen age daughter.

It was very insightful. It was a somewhat productive meeting but I did leave it feeling like I was the crazy one. They have a wonderful ability to make you feel like you caused all this mess. That skill is quite amazing.

[TRUSTING]

Something bothered me after I met with my ex. I could not figure out what it was until I went to bed and allowed all the thoughts of the day to leave my mind.

My feelings now scare me.

I looked closely at my ex during our meeting. He looked old, beaten, thin, tired. I have not seen him face to face since October.

I felt nothing.

I did not feel the need to have him back. I did not feel the need to feel his touch, his embrace, to get his approval, to impress him. I no longer saw him as a part of me, an extension of myself. It was almost like he was a stranger to me.

When we parted, I did not cry in my car like I usually would. I did not feel particularly lonely as he left. I did not really want to be with him any longer than I had. I did not wonder when the next time I would see him would be.

I kept asking myself what does this mean? Are these feelings gone or locked up? Am I done? Is this a sign?

I don't have any answers right now. I am just surprised. This took me off guard. I was not expecting this from myself.

The more I thought about it. The more I started to realize my
feelings are probably a very normal reaction to three years of rejection, put downs, manipulation, betrayal, pain, and destruction. To feel anything other than that would be odd.

I certainly see my mistakes in the marriage. I have not recently admitted that I had made any. I do realize now that I was awfully slow to forgive. I held my ex to a very high standard. I think he got tired of trying to be something he was not. As his life became more stressful, he no longer had any fight in him. He did not want to put any effort into me or the kids. He just wanted to exist without judgement, responsibilities, or duties.

I was not a safe haven, because I was just a reminder of what he was not. I think he so much wanted to be that man for me, but he could'nt.

So what have I learned. Be more forgiving. Love the person, hate the actions. I always did love him, but I should have shown it more.

Hard lesson to learn. Did I deserve this whole journey, mid life crisis, divorce, betrayal? Probably not. Would it have played out any different if I would have been more loving or forgiving? I don't know.

I would be a fool though if I did not look at myself.

[peacetoday]

T
wow you do have amazing insight
I could also agree with all of the above
I too wanted expected my X to fit this mold I created
It was wrong
He played the part for a while..maybe he roo wanted to be this person
He was not the person of integrity..that I wanted in a man
I was foolish when I M him
I didnt see how his scarred childhood would affect him
I too like you made many mistakes
was not appreciative for his efforts
was too critical and also unforgiving
I was too immature myself for a M
Maybe we thought we could change them
peace

[TRUSTING]

Peace,
Part of my problem was control. I wanted it, he wanted it, we were so much alike. Sometimes it managed to compliment our relationship, but as he became more insecure it started to destruct.

My life started to expand and spiritually grow. He was stagnant and depressed. He became jealous and searched for someone who could reflect his pain. I just reflected what he was not and I did not at all sympathise with his depression. Mainly because I was tired of it. He had let it go on so long that it started to annoy me. I felt like I was living with a child instead of a man. He was always complaining, blaming, and playing the martyr. It was very difficult to live with and raise children in that environment.

Yesterday when I met with him, old feelings came back. Those feelings of walking on eggshells, insecurity, weakness. I walked away almost feeling relieved that I no longer had to live like that - not free to grow into my potential.

I almost felt gratitude.

I do though have to say that he is improving, or taking baby steps toward his personal growth. I no longer view it as baby steps toward reconciling. He has to make steps toward improving himself before he can ever be capable of having a healthy relationship.

I almost felt sorry for OW, because I am sure her level of self-esteem has to be lower than ever. She must be experiencing all that I use to. Maybe that is our so called revenge or justice. I don't really know, but it is not in my hands.

Yesterday my ex wanted to make sure I knew he was praying alot, giving blood to the church, working hard on having good relationships with his children. He told me that he only wished me good luck and a happy marriage with someone else. He told me that he would not be getting married any time soon.

Ex is still full of contradictions, projection, anger, irrational actions and words, etc... They just have toned down a bit.

He tried very hard to convince me that he was a success, a better parent than me, a clearer thinker, a busy and productive business person.

One thing kept running through my mind during the whole thing: "empty trucks make the most noise."

[forward]

Our feelings towards Hs are similar. I think H was intimidated by my successes. I think I have also been slow to forgive but I also think that unlike H, I was always willing to work on R.

I like what you said about the trucks.

[cagzmom]

Trusting - I agree with Lord- your insight, expereince and honesty need to be published! you dont bring false hope - just truth and sincerity.

More to you later but let me say real quick.

1- your "feelings" after leaving your x the other day showed to me HEALTH and HEALING" and forgiveness.

2- you saw the real him -- and the life that he has lived is showing up physically (my x is beginning to really show signs of it too -- more on that later)

3- projection - how can he admit any guilt...it would cause him to have to look inside himself.

and the key thing I have seen -- your x was so much like mine. you said it in teh beginning..he never dealt with his "stuff". So much of our world is like that. YES WE ALL have had stuff. and there is the ultimate Healer who can bring us to health and peace. BUT we HAVE to do the work within ourselves. face our "junk". And they just plain DONT WANT TO.

AND I TOTALLY TOTALLY agree that TRUE reconciliation has to be a divine intervention -- and THAT takes 2 willing parties. GOD can and WILL work with the heart of the stander (and usually the stander is willing to work on themselves) BUT the runner --- only he/she can CHOOSE to stop running and go into the doctor for a "check up".

You amaze me as you know.

man our speaking engagements some day are going to be awesome!!

[TRUSTING]

Thanks Cagz, I appreciate it.
I thank God everyday for this wonderful board. I would have surely went insane without it and the extraordinary people on it.

After my meeting with my ex, I began to analyze how he might view me. This is what I came up with.

HE VIEWS ME AS ONE BIG PIECE OF STRESS.

I represent failure. I represent responsibility. I represent expense. I represent confidence that he does not have. I represent broken dreams. I represent the aging process. I represent every woman that has left him, including his dead mother. I represent an education he never chose to get.
I represent his low testosterone level. I represent mortality.
I represent the loving mother he never had.

All of this creates great fear in him.

When you have great fear you can either FIGHT the fear or FLIGHT the fear.

Depressed people always choose FLIGHT because they think this will be the easier road which requires less energy.

What they can't see is that this is actually the harder road which requires more energy.

FLIGHT takes the form of affairs, vacations, spending, self-destruction, abandoning the family, lying, deceit, etc.....

What the Ml'er never looks at is the consequences.

Sin is only fun for a short time, then one has to pay the piper.

The key to this battle is to slowly dissipate the STRESS, and replace it with kindness, comfort, affirmations, unconditional love, peace, safety, security, forgiveness and nurturing.

This of course takes time and effort. Trial and error. Practice and patience. Slowly we have to replace the negative image of us (sometimes real, sometimes imagined) with the positive image.

The Ml'er does not make any effort with this part of the journey. He has no energy to work on the relationship. It is all up to the stander.

Slowly, one piece at a time begins to be replaced. The Ml'er begins to soften his heart and as this occurs the mind begins to clear and becomes more rational.

What is in the heart travels to the mind and comes out as behaviors and actions.

[kjensen]

Trusting,
I love your last post. What a clear summary of what our spouses must see, of what we LBS must do, of our hope for rational thought and softened heart to return to our loved ones.

Last night as my H and I were leaving or first couples communication class my H said he has a fear that if he puts effort into our marriage and the marriage still fails, that will be the end. Unfortunately, instead of just validating, I stated my view that if we don't put effort into our marriage it will fail. I missed a good validating moment there and H noticed! My H has said he has had fears all of his life. Fear of poverty, fear of ending up alone...even now with his ongoing A, he has said his biggest fear is that he will end up alone and on food stamps within months. He may be unconsciously creating a self-fulfilling prophecy...

[SoCo]

Isn't it odd, they are creating a self fulfilling prophecy... mine is doing this very same thing. He expresses that he doesn't want this, he misses me, he loves me, how did we get here, on and on and on. Yet, every action is a step toward the very things he "says" he is afraid of and does not want. Every step. He spends his time with the og, then calls me and texts me when she's gone about how miserable he is. A person who is thinking rationally simply cannot see why they continue to go down this path. It is utterly bizarre.

[TRUSTING]

Mine always thought we would repeat his parents mistakes, he acted out his self fulfilling prophecy and repeated exactly what his mother did. Very weird.

Ex emailed me today. He and OW are going on a vacation in May.
He is broke and has very little credit, but is still managing to do this - so stupid.