True Love or True Fog? Changing Forums

[Silver Fox]

I've decided to move over to the MLC forum from Newcomers. I've been there since last fall and I don't feel very new anymore. Been at this for 2 years now and it's abundantly clear that my H is in MLC and in a very addicted, co-dependent, unhealthy "romantic" A.

Here is a synopsis of my tale:

April '07 - Out of the blue H drops first bomb, moves out to be "by himself", wants to learn how to pay his own bills, concentrate on his tenure portfolio which is due in August, thinks this will be good for us, etc. I was devastated and of course did everything wrong to get him back. He leaves me in a drafty, old house to fend for myself, taking care of two dogs that he insisted on getting, and still paying all the bills from our joint account. He spends most of the summer in Florida at his moms to finish the tenure paperwork - we've gone there at least twice a year for the past 19 years, boating, fishing, planned on retiring there - his mom notices that he rarely went out on the boat and said he didn't take pleasure anymore "pulling fish from their watery homes". His Swedish grandfather taught him to fish. It's in his blood. This kind of comment was totally out of character.

August '07 - Surprise! Admits to OW. They met 20 years ago in graduate school (our first year of marriage). She's vegetarian and an animal rights activist. This explains the fishing comment. Oh, and now he too is a vegetarian - we live in the South and he has always loved barbeque. Tenure deadline passes, he doesn't turn in his portfolio - never finished the work, (guess he was distracted). OW has to have surgery, he travels out-of-state 400 miles every weekend to help her recover and help with her animals - she has twelve cats - hence my nickname for her - Catbitch.

September '07 - May '08 - He continues to travel to see the Catbitch EVERY weekend - I try to be nice, accepting, understanding, blech! He comes over once or twice a week to hang out, does his laundry, cuts the grass, makes a few pathetic attempts to work on the house, and watches TV. We even spend 4 tortuous days in Fl. after Christmas (he spends Christmas week with Catbitch and her family). We try to have R talks but I always end up crying and saying I want him to come home, all he says is "I didn't mean for this to happen, I don't want to hurt you, my feelings just changed, I can't help it, I have to follow my heart".

July '08 - H files for D - says it's to get us out of limbo and just to get the ball rolling - we can always change our minds, it will still take up to 6 months. By now I have DB and am trying new tactics - no calls, emails. I retain my own L after he says we can share his and "please can't we work together on this, please don't contest this". I find out that Catbitch threatens to break it off with him if I contest. Hmmm.

September '08 - I file counterclaim, stating adultery and abandonment. Not a word from H until December. He sends a pitiful email asking to meet and "toast Christmas". I ignore it.

January '09 - He tries another email - we need to talk about finances, about what to do with the house, etc. can't we meet? I send email back- "I don't want to see you anymore if you are still involved with someone else. I will not talk with you about a D. If you insist on this path my L will handle it". I implement complete Darkness. I'm getting stronger.

February '09 - H continues to come to the house once a week when I'm at work to fill his salt water aquarium which I refuse to take care of. He leaves a note saying he's running out of money and may have to declare bankruptcy (he's nearly maxed out 3 credit cards). I call my L and he says it's time for mediation, which is required in this state in a contested D.

March '09 - Mediation is a bust - two hours of sending terms back and forth (we're in separate rooms) then his L has to leave before any conclusion (good for me since I'm still trying to stall this, hoping the Catbitch fantasy will die down eventually.

April '09 - H comes to the house for his usual visit but, surprise! I'm home for spring break. He asks if we can talk. I do my best DB job ever just listening to his non-sense ranting. I don't interrupt or argue or, most importantly, cry. His teaching job ends in May, he only has three paychecks left, and "how can I get a job this summer and be expected to work on the house too?" He says I "humiliated" him at mediation with my pictures of the house (its one big unfinished project, impossible to sell). I finally get to use Puppy's much loved phrase "CONSEQUENCES" - H just looks at me. He has big ideas on what to do with the house - we could rent it or I could get a "female" roommate. Also, if I could just "suffer" (yes he said suffer) through one more year then we could probably sell it once the economy recovers, and would I look over his ideas if he puts it in writing? Sure!

In the meantime, he still continues to travel to OW's every weekend and he's even looking for a job in her state. Does he think he's just going to move there - D or not? He has an appointment with a bankruptcy L this week so I expect to hear from him again soon.

Gosh, this was just going to be a brief overview to catch everyone up to speed. Guess it's hard being brief when a 20 year marriage and a crazed H are falling apart. I've never written a long post so I guess I'm due. It sure does help me though to see in writing what kind of journey this has and continues to be. There's even more about H's personality changes and the Catbitch's hold on him that I'll save for later.

Thanks for reading. I'll try to link my other threads.

[Flicka]

Lurkers rejoice.

Thank you for shifting your thread. I have been so fond and impressed by you. I think we should have a virtual painting party. I would be glad to fix this or that old house of yours.

You have been a damn paragon of distancing. You have been incredible. I do not know whether you are in despair or relieved, but I am certain that you have carried on in a very brave way. Keep being proud about that. You do not type much but I am pleased when you do.

Actually, I am wanting retribution. Your husband deserves some. I would like to jerk his chain since I am not able fire on my own jackass. Well, I do, sometimes, and it is not that helpful.

Best wishes. I plan to return to lurking.

[sunshinelewis]

Silver Fox-this is the first time I have read your sitch. I am so sorry you are going thru this. Your h and my xh has said some of the similiar things. It still amazes me at how they all say the SAME THINGS basically. I sometimes wonder if my xh is in MLC, then I hear other people talk about what their h and xh are saying and it's basically the same stuff. It sure is common.
My xh told me "if we got divorced, we could always get remarried", he also said, "he loved me but not in love with me and wanted to try a different companionship". He also asked me not to contest the divorce and that he would ALWAYS take care of me and son. He promised me the moon, I fell for it, we used the same lawyer and he doesnt have to help me pay for our home.
My son is 18, so I dont get child support. We also were married for 20 years (this April). He said no WOMAN would ever come before me and son. He also said, no one would ever live with him or he would never be remarried again. We had alot of stress financially but nothing we couldnt have handles. He said he was depressed and unhappy and had to leave. He now lives with a 26 year old girl. They met around end of Jan. first of Feb. and he already proposed to her. Crazy isnt it. Everything he said of course went right out the window. We dont have ANY contact anymore. He stopped taking my calls, although he does still talk with son and they are leaving for fishing trip soon.
I dont understand why is is moving so quick. We have only been divorced for around 4 months and he only met her around 2 and a half months ago at best, maybe the middle of Jan. He was saying a month ago, that her time was almost up and that she was complaining about him going fishing. NOW it suddenly changed, I wish I knew why. Doesnt matter, I just wish I knew.
Anyway, it sounds like you are a very strong person. I didnt find this site until around the time I was divorced, so I didnt ger to DB. Hang in there and trust that GOD will work it out one way or the other.

Take Care,
Renee

[pearlharbr]

Hi Silver

Thanks for stopping by my new thread and for letting me know where you are now.

I still want to smack your H around a bit, nothing new there.

How have you been doing since that spring break visit? I know you were going to do some thinking about which route to go now. Have you come to any decisions or are you still letting things sit for now?

[trampledheart]

Hi Silver Fox,

I actually read some of your sitch about a week ago, and liked your use of the "consequences" comment that I used it myself!

My H didn't want to come over to help me with filing of our joint tax return (first time for me) and I said, "Neither do I, but that's the consequences of the choices that you made. I had no choice in the matter."

Glad you came over to this forum!

Trampledheart

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Welcome to the long haul Silver.

Few questions for you.

Can your husband tell how anger you are with him when you do interact?

Do you want to be married to him?

The idea is to find things at work and focus on them. Dettaching can be good on many levels, what do you think it is doing for you? Do you need it to protect yourself, or are you doing to punish him?

[Kimmie Lee]

Silver, you are my hero too.

I love how flabbergasted your h gets when you calmly set your boudaries. You have great style.

[Silver Fox]

Thanks everyone for responding,

Flicka - I always enjoy your comments, please don't disappear

Sunshine - I've read some of your posts recently - you know good and well that a 26 year old and a 40 year old don't have a snowball's chance, especially when it's a rebound R so spend your time thinking about something else!

Pearl - you have my permission to smack my H anytime - the ball is in his court again - I'll wait for the next contact he makes and try to stay calm assertive

Trampledheart - I'll catch up with your story soon - I've learned alot from Puppy's advice (the consequences response)- read his posts where ever you can find them

Kimmie Lee - it was a long time coming - I cried everytime I saw H the first year. He even said one time "I give up, it's not worth it, I can't be responsible for ruining your life". I knew then that that was not how I wanted him to come home.

Jack - Thanks for your tough questions - that's one of the reasons I moved over here - I wasn't being challenged.

So, I think anger is the one emotion I've had trouble expressing this whole time. I freely cried and expressed my hurt, surprise, and devastation everytime we got into R talks when the bombs first dropped, but I never yelled or cursed or threw things. I'm a pretty calm, laid back, patient person. The most angry response H got from me was over the phone after I received his filing - I called him with "Thanks a lot, great timing a week before our 20th annniversary and be sure you tell your girlfriend I will indeed be contesting". Gee, looking at it in print it doesn't sound very angry, but I was yelling and he's not used to that!

And yes, I do want to be married to him. I try to focus on who he really is, the one I've known since he was 22.
But as others have said, right now he's not the man I married and if that man doesn't return I'll have to let him go.

[trampledheart]

SF,

I'm wondering how old your H's OW is...is she younger than him?

How exactly would it affect the OW if you contested it?

Trampledheart

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Silver Fox,

But as others have said,

Seldom should you care what others say, including myself. You'll know right from the pride swelling in your chest, or the sharp stab of pain from ignoring it.

OW...don't waste too much of your time on them, what they are doesn't define you or your husband, just more proof of the MLC as most MLCers have an affair.

acting crazy...check
ILYBINILWY...check
[censored] -ing someone else...check

Have your read the resources at the top, the MLC resources? Look make sure he fits the MLC pattern, if he does...it sucks, but if he does, you're in good company, and my personal take, that some will agree with and others wil not is that the MLC does come out of it (years...plural). I have no hard numbers or fact, just my gut instinct.