Healing from a lifetime of self-deprecation

[still hopeful]

God bless you, my friend. Thank you for your time and thoughtfulness.

[still hopeful]

JOURNALING:

Well my fellow DBers,

I've finally reached the point where I need to do what Phoenixdeux advised me to do months ago:

Letting go doesn't mean it's over...it just means you quit pining away and start to look at her as your EX wife. I've been where you are. I'm remarried to her, so I know there is hope...but it was just being open to possibility of reconciliation, without actually expecting it, that was more helpful.

I've finally reached a point where I truly do need to let go and let God. If we are to be, it will be because both she and I improved ourselves individually and want more than anything to be a married couple again. It won't be because of my professed 'love' for XW, which, it seems is a form of manipulation and control over her that I sought, but no longer.

This weekend, I jumped out of the frying pan in which I chose to dwell for 3+ years and into the fire. After last weekend's debacle of time spent with XW, being disrespectfully introduced to her employee/'as-of-yet-still-undecided' boyfriend, I responded to another plea for 'help' from XW because, of course I wanted to and also because I came the conclusion that I needed just one last kick in the teeth to 'seal the deal' and let go. I absolutely KNEW it was coming and I purposely put myself in front of that run away train engine (XW) and because I needed for the pain to reach my threshold of EXCEEDING whatever 'benefit' I was seeking and receiving from all of this turmoil.

I'm trying to figure out if the root cause is a single issue or a mishmash of still unresolved issues. It could be my fear of failure, fear of success, fear of happiness, fear of worthiness, badly beaten self-esteem, control issues, desire to be right, desire to prove EVERYONE wrong against all evidence and odds, desire to impose MY will over God's will, unwillingness to quit because I wished stop inflicting any further damage on my children because of our broken family....

Anyway, XW called on TH evening and said that she needed me to help her with our children on Friday evening. Her phone died and she ended up just showing up at my place to take me back with her. I was wary of putting myself in the same spot again after her stunt last weekend, but I did it anyway. TH evening was fine. Cordial. The next day, I dropped her off at work and spent the day with our S3 doing laundry, dishes, shopping, picking up prescriptions, etc. At 6:30, XW called me to tell me that she was going out with the girls after work and would get dropped off back at the house (RED FLAG). Now, the premise of my needing to be with our children is that she needed to work late. I didn't put too much thought into it and said, OK, asking her what time she expected to return. She said around 10pm and if she was going to be much later, she'd call and let me know. NP.

At 10:30, she texted me with, 'Patroling..." I texted back, "In English, please...!" No response. At 11:06, I texted again, "No idea what you meant by 'patroling.' Are you coming back here tonight? If so, approx when?" No response still. At 11:30, I looked out front and she was parked out front in Joe's car. I tooka deep breath and didn't let my disappointment get the better of me. Around midnight, still no text response from her, she came in to use the bathroom. S3 happened to be up because he fell asleep at 6:30pm and I thought he'd sleep through the night, but he didn't. When Erica came in the first time, she kissed on Jacob and I didn't say a word. She went back out telling me, "Don't lock the door. I'll be right back in. An hour later she came in with Joe in tow. Joe went to the bathroom and I could tell she'd been drinking and was in a combative mood. She asked me to tell her the truth about why Jacob was still up and said what I bad dad I was.

ME: Erica, you're not in the truth telling space.
HER: What?
ME: You lied to me about why you needed me here tonight. You said it was because you had to work late...
HER: <interrupting> Which I did.
ME: ...and then you were going to go out with the GIRLS and call me if you were going to be late. You sent me a one word text that meant nothing to me. Told me nothing. And then you came home with your boyfriend. Bad move. Bad decision after last weekend.
HER: Well, I did patrol around the complex. Me, two of my girls, and Joe. (I'm thinking, ri-i-i-i-i-ight, you freaking liar. Stop!>
ME: OK, then you went out with the girls. How is it that you are being brought home by Joe?
HER: He met up with us.
ME: Really, in a town this big, you just 'happened upon' each other? My guess is that you, the girls, or Joe decided to meet up and you jumped at the opportunity. You know, you didn't have to come back tonight to SHOW me.
HER: Joe's just a friend, a co-worker (he's her freakin' employee!)....
ME: NO. He's the guy that you still hadn't decided whether you were going to start dating yet. You told me that last week, and then you bring him back in front of me again when I'm doing YOU a favor. I'm not your babysitting/date service. Had you told me the truth, up front, I would have opted out, but you didn't. You lied. That's wrong. That's disrespectful. That is behavior that I won't tolerate.
HER: I don't owe you anything. This is my house. You're not my husband.
ME: Actually, you do owe me one thing, and that's the truth when I ask you a question.

[JOE'S BEEN IN THE BATHROOM THIS WHOLE TIME, and EMERGES]

ME: Why don't you tend to your 'friend.

He and I exchanged pleasantries on his way both in and out. He's not my problem. She creates issues that don't need to be created. She could have avoided all of this, however I do understand that I chose to be at her house to be subjected to yet another selfish, self-centered, and self-absorbed display of "It's ALL about ME!" I also realize that I not only chose to be there, I let it get to me. Despite staying calm, I did speak up and express my thoughts about her disrespectful behavior towards me. I'm learning, but I need to make better gut-level decisions. I think I've learned enough though.

After Joe left, she came back in and started in attack mode that Jacob was awake because, as usual, she didn't ask even ONE question about why. MUCH more effective line of communication to make assumptions and go on attack mode. The last time I saw this BS from her, in the presence of another 'good friend' was at Jacob's 3rd birthday party in front of a small party crowd, while Abby sat to her left and Jacob sat on her lap, accusing me of having an affair with our ex-neighbor (NO truth to that attack).

One last bit of hurtful sniping she did throw in was that, by moving to my brother's soon, I'm abandoning her and our children. I told her I'm not abandoning my children. I need to move as a short-term step to achieve of my long-range goal of sorting out my life, getting on my feet, and moving forward in a positive, productive way. My BF, Wil, told me two things, that from his perspective are probably evident to everyone around me: 1) XW is only concerned about me moving temporarily because she won't have the 'hook' in me to take care of HER needs when she wants; and 2) she's shown that she's a skank (his word choice); showed it before she and I got together and is continuing on in that vein after our split. I know my family, especially my sisters, would agree. I'm haven't reached the name calling place, but he behavior has been purposely hurtful and atrocious. If she wants to do what she's doing, there's a less 'in-your-face' way of meeting her own needs. But apparently, it works for her. Being on the receiving end doesn't work for me anymore.

During this escapade, I can't put any more into trying to gain her affection and forgiveness. On my way to being dropped on on Friday night/Saturday morning, I told her, "I get that your still hurt. I understand that you haven't been able to forgive. What I do know is that the pain will fade, forgiveness will come and you will be stuck with the reality of your ongoing, purposefully hurtful behavior towards me. You'll have to reconcile that." She's stuck and I know I need to leave her in the valley and find my own way out. I stood my ground and remained calm, but if I had it to do over again, I'd have never given her another chance to make better behavioral decisions because she hadn't earned another opportunity and behaved right in-step with her destructive patterns. Since I chose to participate, I wished I'd have let it lie until morning, and had the talk then after her booze had worn off some. Regardless, my one true regret isn't so much speaking up, it was speaking up in front of Jacob. Bad choices on my part.

I'm done. I can't keep the connection going that I've craved for whatever reason (control? being right? winning at all costs?). I must let go and this most recent kick in the teeth from her is my last straw. I know I needed for her to do this so that I could honestly say that I'd done all that I could do to fix broken marriage, after the fact, but it's a done deal. I see God's PERIOD at the end of this chapter and trying to replace it with my QUESTION MARK only serves to NOT accept God's will and keep old wounds open and unhealed. I knew it was all likely to come down the way it did. I wasn't surprised, but I think I agreed because I needed that one more emphatic PERIOD to end this chapter of my life for good. She delivered. I wasn't surprised, but I was extremely disappointed and sad. I'm still sad. Mostly, I'm sad that I needed HER to DO one more thing for me to turn off my feelings for her that weren't serving me, instead of simply making the decision on my own. Again, I'm learning.

I know that I've held myself in 'pause' mode for over 3 years and the time has come to GO; to hit play and LIVE! I'm doing that now, but I'm fearful of letting go of the pain because emotional pain, for me, has been my constant and strangely comforting companion for a long time now. But today is a new day now, isn't it?

I'm sending her an e-mail today to propose a plan to limit our communication and the regular challenges that have become a part of it all. We'll see how she responds. My proposal is simply an interim step to get myself back on my feet financial and emotionally. I don't control her, but I'm hopeful that she'll agree to the temporary agreement of my having D8 and S3 every other weekend. Wish me luck, say a prayer, whatever. I need all of the positive energy I can muster to move forward and heal myself and my children and make a workable co-parenting relationship with my XW.

Please, tell me your thoughts.

[still hopeful]

JOURNALING:

And now IT begins in earnest....

Yesterday, I received a call from my D8, very sad and upset that Mommy took it upon herself to deliver not-so-good news that Daddy was needing to move away with Uncle M for a little while. She was more upset and concerned that XW took it upon herself to tell D8 that Daddy wouldn't be taking her to her Father-Daughter dance next Sunday, and that, if necessary, Mommy would take her or have Uncle E take her. D8 has already had plenty of emotional upset over our S and subsequent D, compounded by my struggles to find suitable employment, my recent move 2 months ago, and automobile accident. I would have much preferred to deliver the correct information to D8 myself to because I would have told her that I WILL be taking her to her dance. I would also have had the opportunity to tell her about my impending necessary move and been able to re-assure that she is loved and safe and that I will do everything within my power to see her every other weekend and whichever additional times I'm able to work out. I'd also tell her that I'll be working very hard during this short term solution to my long term goals to bring it's temporary nature to a close and be living closer to her with more regular contact like before.

Yesterday, I sent a proposal, by e-mail, to XW with a plan I worked out for going forward and asked her to get back to me with her thoughts, concerns and considerations ASAP. I asked what time I could have D8 to talk with her face-to-face to re-assure her that I love her and that everything was going to be fine during, and after this temporary, rough patch. No response. Today, I called to ask the same question on her cell, house, and sent a text message. No answer. No response. Finally, she sends me a text message that she was taking the kids to church with Joe. I texted back my response of, great, what time can I have D8 today? No response. I called back and XW answered this time. I asked her the same thing. She responded by...well, we're going to church, you can see her there.
ME: I could, but it's going to take longer than a couple of minutes. When can have her to talk face-to-face with her for a while.
XW: I don't know. After church she has a birthday party to go to, and then it'll be in the afternoon....
ME: That's fine. What time can I have her?
XW: Well, I don't know....
ME: Listen, I have a right to be with my children. What time will fit in your schedule and work for you? <click>

I let it go for a half hour and then I called back. No answer. I left a message. "Look, it looks like we got disconnected, but I still need to know what time I can have D8 to talk with her TODAY. You have my phone number. You can call me or text me." As of right now, no response. I will absolutely attribute this new found boldness and willingness to be non-responsive to her new 'co-worker/friend/as-yet-to-be-decided BF/DH#5' (employee) Joe. It'll all be interesting to watch from afar as this, like all of her other DH relationships have all blown up, as this one will. It's most sad, though, that this dolt is her employee. A minefield that will blow up the relationship long before they do it themselves. Regardless, none of that is any of my concern. My relationship with my daughter and son is. So...I now tread gently into the waters of asserting my rights to have physical access to and communication with my children, as I have both joint physical and joint legal custody of them. That along with severely limiting my contact with XW to the bare essentials of communication concerning the needs of our children.

Wish me well. I am letting go and it's scary. 'Things' are going to go less smoothly as I continue to emotionally detach from XW and assert my rights, as opposed to what she'll allow. I have even more motivation to get my act together now. Can't wallow in fear and self-pity. I have to get this all sorted out now for myself and my children.

Send positive thoughts and prayers my way, if you would.

[still hopeful]

JOURNALING:

Made the decision to call again much later this afternoon to reach my D8 and have our time together face-to-face. I won't badger XW, but I will be persistently assertive to have that time. In the meantime, I'll keep my mind occupied with activities that I control.

[Flicka]

Tom, I am with you in spirit and I am not a pray-er, but I will try for you. I need you to keep your self respect and also to be practical. I am sorry that you are living in a nightmare.

If you stay calm and keep remembering your best self you will wake up. I am thankful for your brother right now. Help him as well as you can and keep distancing yourself from XW.

Your kids love you and will understand if you are not with them day to day for awhile. Just do what it takes to survive in a healthy way. Ex-Wifey is self destructing. It will fast forward if you stop taking up the slack. {I am supposing E needs to flat-line before she recovers... she is running crazy wild.} Where is her mother? MIL used to mitigate things ...

I am sorry you are suffering. Stop making it worse with your thoughts. Consider taking a crappy job, any job. Give it dignity and do it well.

Love,
Flicka

[still hopeful]

Hello Flicka Love,

Thank you for all of your kind words and positive energy.

Well today, I finally got a call back from XW about 3:50pm, asking me what I planned to do with D8. I told her, well, since I'm just NOW getting a call back, and didn't know what was convenient for you, I hadn't planned anything. Our last call dropped (she hung up on me) before I got an answer from you, and this is the first time we've since talked.
E: Well, I told you that you could pick her up at 4:00.
ME: No, you said you were going to church and then D8 had a birthday to attend. I said, OK, what time would work for you then, and the call disconnected.
E: Are you picking her up? Are you doing something else?
ME: Well, I want to see her and talk with her fact-to-face so, yah, I'll be over shortly.

I went over and saw D8. S3 was inside, so we talked outside the front door. I carried her and talked to her. It was needed and very nice. I re-assured her that everything was going to be fine and that I loved her. I re-assured her that Daddy would get everything sorted out soon and we would have more and more regular contact again soon. XW was in her bed 'sleeping', so S3 was inside watching TV. D8 went inside to grab my blue tooth earpiece and I spent time with both of them in the front and back yards and a little in the house. S3 was bouncing on the family trampoline naked, so I had to dress him so he, D8, and I could go out front and ride bicycles/electric motorcycles. When I took S3 inside to dress him, XW barked at me to come and talk to her. I did. She said she wanted to sleep for 20 more minutes and then I could go. I said OK, turned and walked away. S3, D8 and I all had so much fun. After about 20 minutes, XW came out and I said my goodbyes to D8 and S3 and left. As I was driving away, both D8&S3 came towards me and wanted to talk more. I stopped and talked with them a bit and started to drive away. D8 was ahead of me on her bike and wanted me to stop again and talk, so I did. S3 saw us and rode his electric Harley-Davidson motorcycle down near us. XW walked down to get S3 and walked away and I drove off.

I had sent XW a proposed interim visitation and communication agreement while I'm not living in the area. I thought it looked fair and workable, but I received a nasty response, telling me what I horrible man I am and how horribly I treat her and D8&S3. It's so sad that she chooses to be so stuck in the past and either can't, or has no desire to, let the past go. Part of her letter read: "Your coming to my house to visit the children is no longer accepted due to your recent behavior towards me, my guest and our children." Ummm, I always treat her, her 'guest' and my children with respect. She's mad that I won't sign off on her decisions to parade her "good friend/co-worker/employee/'still-hasn't-been-decided" boyfriend in front of me and have me tell her it's all OK. It's not. I expect her to treat me with respect and she refuses because she feels most comfortable holding on to her ill will towards me and wearing HER wronged martyr feelings like a great, but well-worn, outfit.

She continues, "Weilding to your demading phone calls is not OK either. They are asked to call you every morning and evening. If they choose to not do that, then so be it. Your harassing phone calls severly bother them and me and needs to stop. I do not want to deal with you any more. Unless you get what you want from me, you are mean, spteful, hateful, rude, controlling and as always abusive towards me in every way." I have always called my children in the mornings to say good morning and in the evenings to say good night. Tha't always been the case. Recently, I was late making morning calls to D8 3 days in a row and D8 was so sad. I told her that I'd make sure I didn't miss her in the mornings again. This routine was established long ago to grow and nurture my bond with D8&S3 in the beginning and over time. The only one this routine bothers (harasses, according to XW) XW, and XW doesn't have to do any more than hand the phone to them. I have never requested that my children call me. I have generally always made that call. Remaining in contact with me is MY responsibility. Impeding my contact with my children is apparently Erica's joy. It's like XW's off the deep end with regard to me and I go out of my way to AVOID disputes and upsets with her, yet XW is constantly trying to start fights/confrontations/disagreement, but I simply don't engage.

The only thing I want from XW, at this point, is access to my children to talk with them and see them as agreed, so they will have regular access to their father. That seems to be too much. If NOTHING is currently happening, and I happen to have been in the same zip code, she makes the up the craziest versions of her alternate reality. The most recent BS was her telling D8 that I wouldn't be taking D8 to the Father/Daughter Dance on Sunday. No need to talk to me or verify the veracity of that hurtful statement to your 8-year old, just spit it out (hoping to look like the good/loving parent) and hope that your actions turn out to be true so she can be the saving grace. XW actually told D8 that she and/or her sister's husband, Eric, would take D8 to the dance. D8 loves her uncle but also told me, in no uncertain terms, that she absolutely did NOT want to go to the dance with Eric because he's mean (he plays too hard with them and the get hurt feelings). Nice job though, XW, knowing how your daughter is going to feel to your entire story/solution. XW just does sh*t and deals with the aftermath later by blame-shifting onto me with our 8-year old and 3-year old. VERY loving, thoughtful and responsible, don't you think?

I am still going to be moving soon, and I'll assert my rights as I'm able to claim them logistically. XW is being difficult because she feels what she's doing is right, I understand that and I pray that XW's hurts and ill feelings will fade and she'd start dealing in the reality of what IS, instead of choosing to focus on water long passed under the bridge. It must be difficult for her to be stuck in her feelings of being mistreated and abused. I do go out of my way to NOT react to her crappy behavior and words directed at me, but on occasion, in the last 2 years, I have stood up more often in an assertive and kind way, but stood up nonetheless. Movement brings clarity, and I'm finally starting to see what my counselor told me 3 years ago."You're not in love with XW. You're in love with your ideal of a marriage and your ideal of a wife, and you never had either here." I didn't want to own that because I wasn't ready to let go and heal then; just finally arriving there now. I've always viewed both her and my marriage though my rose colored glasses of seeing all of the potential/possibilities and ignoring what I've seen and experienced with her. I haven't been the sharpest tool in the shed where it comes to XW and our marriage. We were able to make 2 beautiful and perfect children together though, so I will simply avert my focus away from XW and solely onto myself and my children. I know that everything is going to become better than before and I need to focus my energy on the future and being a victor and not a victim. I will have a better and stronger relationship with D8 and S3. I will have the same with XW, only it'll be different because I, with God, will change our communication and interaction pattern by learning to be the authentic man of God that He always intended me to be before the first day. This mantra was given to me by my good friend, Tamara (now paraphrased):

"I give myself permission to release myself...from expectations that don't serve me well...and historical behavior that I no longer choose. Today is a brand new day. New thoughts, new friends, new life."

Again, movement and ACTION bring clarity. I'm making decisions today that will create my destiny.

In closing, XW is self-destructing before my eyes. It saddens me that it's taken me this long to figure it all out, but my sole focus now is getting back on my feet financially and making my new home for S8&D3.

I am living a nightmare. My friend, Tamara, is a child advocate attorney for the county courts and has told me that XW's behavior is 'classic' addict behavior. I wish I knew what that was to map it all out myself, but she's expert in the field.

My talk today with S8&D3 were healing and loving. I'm so happy I was able to hug them, explain and re-assure them that everything was going to be fine and would all be settled down soon.

Your kids love you and will understand if you are not with them day to day for awhile. Just do what it takes to survive in a healthy way. Ex-Wifey is self destructing. It will fast forward if you stop taking up the slack. {I am supposing E needs to flat-line before she recovers... she is running crazy wild.} Where is her mother? MIL used to mitigate things ...

I know they will understand, and our talk and spending time together amidst all of XW's crazy making was critically important. What's even more important is getting myself on stable ground so if and when XW does 'flatline' I'll be prepared to take up the necessary slack. MIL did use to mitigate XW's erratic and wild behavior, but XW now has a new job away from mom with employees she can have as 'yet-to-be-decided' boy toys. She's gonna crash. Trying not to focus on her. Focus on myself is what I'm doing now. Ex-MIL is basically out of the picture living her life and watching from afar.

I am suffering. i will change my thinking and continue working to get out of this hole. I will find something to do to generate an income and save money to get back on my feet financially and put my life back in order for me and my children. Thank you.

'Til next journaling.

[still hopeful]

JOURALING:

I look forward to an end to all of the lingering animosity, and a calm that will positively affect our children. My whole situation, XW included, is in my daily prayers of gratitude and healing.

[still hopeful]

JOURNALING:

Called D8 on her way to school this morning to tell her to have a good day. No interactions with XW. I'm grateful that XW allowed that. Good sign. Start of a new day in my new life journey.

[still hopeful]

JOURNALING:

Called D8 & S3 to say goodnight. Letting it go at that. Sent XW a text asking her to tell them I called and that I love them and asking her to kiss them goodnight from me.

I won't make any additional calls. Don't want XW to be able to misconstrue my 3+ year pattern of 'touching' my children by phone as harassing(<-- her lovely term, conjured up with the arrival of my impending temporary move to my brother's house and her new DH#5).

As I said yesterday,

And now IT begins in earnest....

This is new water for me, so I'll tread lightly and plot my course purposefully and focus on myself, D8&S3. Regardless of the outcome of my sitch, the three of us will all come out much better than when we started this journey.

[still hopeful]

JOURNALING:

I've reached a point in my sitch, and even more importantly my life, that I'm considering ALL view points of myself and my behavior over the past 3+ years. I'd like to think that my version of reality is 100% correct, but that's most likely not the case. I'd like to believe that XW's version of reality is 100% incorrect and that also is most likely not the case. The truism is that TRUTH lies somewhere in between. I am really praying to Jesus to assist me in seeing my part in all that went wrong. I know that nothing can be undone, but everything can be healed, and I desire that no matter the outcome.

I'm arriving at a decision (again) about my living situation and I'm leaning towards NOT moving out of the area just yet. As my confusion and stubbornness is lifted, I recognize that I haven't utilized my abilities to their fullest potential. I haven't exhausted all of my resources not my resourcefulness. I haven't prayed long enough, hard enough, and specifically enough yet. I am not ready to throw in the towel and run away like a quitter or a wimp. I have fight left in me and I darn near decided that my fight for myself, my children, my life, my stability, my work, my self-esteem, my sense of manhood is right where I am now and running away is surrendering and THAT option is no longer on the table. There, I made a decision with all you supporting me to do what is right in the long run, not only what feels more comfortable in the short run.

'Til next time.