still sane (keeping my sanity follow-on)

[hope3343]

Lately I feel like a failure as a Mom. Have been trying to do all the right things with D15, taking her to counselor, doctor for headaches, soccer practices, trying to spend time with her in between her friends but there is such a void here without H.

H and I used to balance each other for D15 but now everything is out of whack. I can't balance alone, and I can't be both to her. I know he is in the fog and is with plastic pinata but to be out of her life so completely and just say "oh she does not want to see me".

Last week we saw a small young dog at an adoption and D15 really wanted to bring her home. We already have a dog but I know this house is lonely for her with just the 2 of us rambling around so I told her we would go get it. Well went down and they adopted it after I told the shelter we were coming to pick it up. She was heartbroken. We looked around at others but we both liked the little girl we found. D15 came home and fell asleep at 7:30. Maybe she was hoping this dog would replace her Dad;s love, as sad as that sounds. She is looking at a dog to replace her father's love and H has replaced my love with a pig.

I was supposed to go to a friend's house from work with members of her church to watch some movie and have pizza. I canceled. I know I am supposed to keep working on myself. But there is only so much of me to give. I need to support my D and there is not much more for myself. I do keep up with the gym during the week but these weekends, oh God these weekends are tough.

After 6 months of H not living here I would think it would get easier but it seems tougher these days. I feel like I am grieving him but he is not dead. There is no cemetery to visit, no headstone with his name, no flowers to leave. He is alive and well and we are the ones that die a little each day. I know he is in a fog, I see it but how can he be so cruel to do this to us. I see it everyday. I keep praying.

[kat727]

You are not a bad Mom, you are just overwhelmed. Your daughter knows what her Dad is doing is very wrong. I have seen it in my two girls and they are younger than her. My boys have a hard time even being with him. They tell him the truth about their feelings and he just thinks they are being hurtful or getting it from me.

I am sorry about the dog. I actually bought the kids a ferret after one of their other pets died. He has been a God send. He nearly died last year from pneumonia and it cost more than we paid to save him but my kids have relied on his antics and love to help them with this. I even broke down and bought a female last year so our male doesn't get too worn out.

You are grieving him because for all practical purposes the man you married has been abducted and replaced with someone you barely recognize. You really don't want the person he is now back but who he was before. Think of it like him being on drugs and how the drug can alter his personality. I am really starting to think that having an affair must produce some sort of drug that alters them so otherwise they couldn't live with themselves.

I am coming up on his A hitting the 3 year mark. We were divorced 8 months ago and I don't want him back, but I do feel for my kids. I don't know how any sane man could do it.

Hang in there. Hugs,
kat

[bluerain]

I think thats just it! They arent sane while this is going on. We own our house, and were discussing selling it, I told H that I didnt know how I was going to find a place that would let me have 2 150lb dogs and 3 ferrets, his solution: put them all to sleep. He loves them as much as Ive ever seen him love anything, and to suggest ending their lives so he could stick it in a 22 married bar skank truly showed me that the man I loved was MIA.

I had people tell me he was acting like a drug addict, I even asked him once if he was on drugs.

After the A ended I am seeing some of the good ol' H, but the things he said and did during that period of time were awful.

Have you tried responding to his "oh, she doesnt want to see me" with a "Yes, she does" ?

[Yoyowife]

Hope,
I think many of us have had the feeling of being a bad parent during this crisis.

It seems the weight of the world is on your shoulders. You want to fall apart, but you know you have to be strong for you children and try to hide your emotions. I don't know how many times I had to fight back tears. My DD who was 15 at the time would ask me what was wrong. I would tell her I was really tired, I did not want her to know what a wreck I was for fear of upsetting her more.

You also go through worrying that you aren't being a good parent. I remember thinking if she gets in trouble or something happens to her it will all be my fault and he will get custody of her. This was all the while he had absolutey no responsibilities as far as child rearing went. He could go and do whatever he wanted. If he wanted to go off for the weekend, he just went. He hardly ever saw or called her. I on the other hand had to always be home to make sure that DD was taken care of. Teenagers will be teenager, and I was not going to leave her unsupervised.

DD is almost 18 now. I must say that she has turned out well, even if it means tooting my own horn. It was a time of turmoil for her, but she stayed on the right path. She will be going to college in the fall and is looking forward to it. Although I'm excited for her, I will miss her immensely. One thing that has come out of this, is the close relationship that we have developed.

It was ironic that over spring break DD went to FL with some friends. When she called and asked her dad's permission (yes, I told her to), he made the comment, "Behave yourself, you know I raised you right." Of couse DD and I thought, "yeah, right". They know who has been there for them.

You and your DD will be fine. She will continue to love and respect you. It's not your fault that she wants nothing to do with her dad right now. He is the man that she loves and looked up to. He has let her down. Hopefully, their relationship will improve.

Hugs, Yoyo

[PositivelyMommy]

Hope, You are doing everything right for DD15. It must be extremely hard for you and the whole puppy sitch. You are not a failure by any means. In fact, the pain she is going thru now will probably serve her well in the future. We all experience ups and downs in life, she is learning how to cope under your care, isn't that better that she has you around for this under the circumstances?

[PositivelyMommy]

Hi Hope, how did you guys cope with Easter? How are DD's?

[hope3343]

Thanks to you all who have supported me these last days. It is a struggle but doing a little bit better even though today was rough. First, we officially have a new dog...or should I say puppy. Wanted an older dog but here sits our new 11 week old puppy. Part rat terrier, maybe daschund not sure but she is adorable. D15 is in love with her even with the lack of sleep when she cries at night. Not what I planned but I guess it was God's plan to keep me busy.

Well here I am stuffed like a pig..too much lasagna, ham and all the trimmings. My neighbors were great and we did have some laughs this Easter.

The puppy is a blessing even though she has had those puppy accidents. She keeps us amused and there is more laughter in our house than in the last 6 months watching her antics. Strange to have another pet in the house and H does not know.

Had a little breakdown at Church this morning but managed to keep my tears behind my sunglasses. Just missed my H, not the alien he has become. Kept wondering if H was at another church with the plastic pinata and how they were spending the day with her family. I got over it after awhile but it was some rough moments. Coming on 10 months when this A started.
Will it ever end.

[Yoyowife]

The puppy sounds adorable. My daughter did the same thing of getting a new puppy when H left. She wanted a dog that would be all hers and love her. Our other dog was very attached to me. Well, guess what? The new one still loves me, but she loves her "mommy" also. Like you both, we would have never gotten another dog with H around. It's almost as if DDs are looking to fill a void...

Sorry you had a rough day with the thoughts of your H. Hang in there, you are in my thoughts.

Hugs

[PositivelyMommy]

I was at church for Easter as well but instead of crying, I felt great joy because the sermon was about a new hope, a new life. Now, you could take that to mean both sides (new hope can mean returning H) and a new life could mean that you can have a fabulous life without H. Either way it's a win. I felt so full, filled with goodness, hopefulness and blessings after the service. I should go to church more often.

But Hope, no news on the H front after the last convos you posted. Are you keeping your stay dark plan?

It's good that the puppy is a distraction for you and D15 and at least bringing some joy into your lives.

[hope3343]

well journaling some new info about the plastic pinata. I got an interesting phone call from the PI tonight. He went by PP's house on Friday night and saw a truck he did not recognize. Weeeelllll, drum roll please, seems PP had a guest...

Yesiree it was a MALE caller. First I thought maybe it was a relative but he said no he was a tall white cowboy type 6 ft 2 with a big ole ford truck. Found out he was from Houston, worked in the oil field industry and guess what HE STAYED OVER and they went to a local Mexican rest. and held hands????? WTH does this mean.

Does WH know...I am sure he does not know. The PI said that she probably told H that she was going out of town to visit family and had this guy over. Very typical of this type of woman. He said he did not see them kiss but they were "cozy".

What do I do with this information??? I don't know. Can't tell H that I am having them followed. Can't put PP on her guard. If I told H he would not believe me, but it was shocking to me.

I have been praying lately for the OW to have conviction. I prayed that she would realize that my H is not the man for her and that she would leave him.

I have to wait and see how this plays out. Soccer practice was canceled tonight again so H did not show up.

What a tangled web we weave when we practice to deceive.