Donna, what are you getting from continuing to live with your X-in-laws? Why are you unwilling to consider changing that? What is worth the costs it has to you and your kids in terms of slowing your progress down? What about simple financial costs?
They are the kids' grandparents. They help with sitting if I need it.
MIL and I are friends.
None of the people we know in real life see an issue with it, or see it as unhealthy (except perhaps X). That includes others in the family, friends, our pastor... My IC has mentioned that I might not want to be the one who takes care of them in their old age, but that we have time for that, as long as I have boundaries in place.
You mention financial...maybe that is another issue. It is an "in-law" apt that they have. If I were to rent it out to anyone else, it would be an illegal apt. I'd have to deal with unknown people and whatever issues they bring, living so close to my home and kids, sharing my yard. The apt wouldn't be bringing any money in if it wasn't occupied, which can happen, and I count on that income.
So, it is what it is for now. And it really isn't bad...at this point, I realize that we will get along much better if we keep things between us, and not get involved in their relationships with any of their kids. If my x-SILs and BIL want to visit, call, etc., they know where I am. Again, it comes down to boundaries.
Well, I don't agree that they are your family, but nevermind that. They will be the kids' grandparents if you move. MIL can remain your friend if you move. They could still help with sitting if you move.
What are the costs of moving that make it worthwhile to stay in a situation that hurts you?
I count my xMIL and xSIL as family, they've seen my kids being born and grow, they welcome me in their home and are truly glad to see me, they are the kids' aunt/grandma, thus, they are family to me.
What happened to the drinks in this place?! a fuzzy navel please
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Well, I don't agree that they are your family, but nevermind that. They will be the kids' grandparents if you move. MIL can remain your friend if you move. They could still help with sitting if you move.
Slap me upside the head if I am wrong but it sounds as if Donna has the house and they have an "apt" on the property. They are living with her. So you think she could kick them out?
I haven't been reading over here as long, so I am really trying to clarify this. thanks for being patient as I check out my future neighborhood.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
It is my house; I own it (with a mortgage). They rent a 2 bedroom apt in my house. It has a separate entrance, kitchen, laundry, etc. There are some days when we don't even run across each other.
So, how does this sound: Hey, MIL and FIL, even though my X and I welcomed you into our home 4 years ago when dad was laid-off from his job and you didn't know where to go, then X lost it and started an affair with a neighbor, lying to your face as well as everyone else's and took off, and now you are estranged from him, could you please pack up what you have considered home and find someplace else to live? Yeah, I know that dad will be able to retire in Nov. when he can get medicare, and your savings have taken a huge hit in the recession. So much for that - hit up one of your birth kids, or just keep working. Mom can go back to work, too. Maybe you can move in with X and the other 5 people who live with him already, even if you aren't speaking? Oh, and can you stick around close enough to continue to visit your grandkids and help babysit when I need it, since I don't have any family of my own around here (they are all a state away)? Its only CT, the most expensive place in the country to live outside Hawaii. Nevermind that all of your other grown kids live out of state. Or, for the same rent I charge you, you should be able to find a studio basement apt in the middle of the inner-city about 20 minutes away. Not sure if I'd like the kids going over there to visit, though.
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Alternatively, what are you going to do to prevent the situation from hurting you?
My in-laws and I have committed ourselves to setting up the boundaries that are necessary to make it work. Interaction with them does not trigger melancholy. Even the last bout wasn't them, but the absence of the larger family unit; we have been known to have holidays with more than 30 people, and it doesn't look like that will happen soon - its another loss, and normal to grieve, I think - it didn't lead to another depressive stint that I couldn't break. I am still hopeful that someday I might be able to have some kind of "normal" relation with X, so that we could both show up for an event without any drama from either side. In the meantime, it is their family, and if he is attending something, I step aside, send my best wishes.
I apologize for sounding so defensive - I know that usually signals a problem. And there are probably things that will continue to have to be worked out, but that's life. For now, things at home are ok. I know where they are, where they stand, and what my place is in their lives. Vice-versa for them.
Remember, my "addiction" was to X, not all of the members in his family!
