Mockers, welcome to piecing! Now you are easier to find and you should be here! That is really good news about the change in living arrangements. I love your goals- you are so grounded I know you will succeed in your reconcilement. Welcome and so glad to hear good news! LOL Shay
H got in last night. We picked him up at the airport. We had made signs the night before, and when we saw him we held them up. The children were precious - holding the signs up in their chubby little hands, while trying to spot him running towards us. It was really sweet. H appreciated it very much.
Things were going well, and then I saw that H wasn't wearing his ring. I managed to hold it together, but immediately awful thoughts started running through my mind - being a single mom, that maybe he was seeing OP again (if she is who I think she is, she is working in the same state about 5 hrs. away from H), how could he do this to me, etc. As it turns out, H cut it very close in getting on the plane yesterday morning (I knew this as he had called me that morning). When he got to the airport, he left all his bags in the car and ran into the airport. He told me on the way home after we picked him up that he had left his ring in his bag. He had taken it off at work because he was working with some dangerous substances. I felt better hearing this. I didn't ask him about it - he brought it up on his own.
I wanted to post this for a couple of reasons. First, I was surprised at my ability to keep calm and not show him I was affected. This DBing does come more naturally with practice. I also was surprised that although I had negative thoughts beginning to go around in my mind, I also considered the possibility that there was an explanation for it that didn't involve him leaving me. The other thing that surprised me was that I also had thoughts of I don't deserve to be treated this way; If he isn't going to treat me with respect, maybe we shouldn't be together; I am valuable and loveable, and don't want to be treated this way. I'm not saying that I don't want us to reconcile, I do so much. It is one of the things I pray for every day. This feeling was just new and surprising and made me feel maybe I am feeling a little better about myself. Maybe.
I also had some thoughts about the idea of being there for better or for worse. This is something I've held on to during this time. It's hard to put into words what I'm feeling, but I'll try. One thing I'm hoping for is for my H to love me more unconditionally. I am not saying that I want to just let everything go and not try to improve in all areas. I know now more that ever that a M takes real work, effort and concentration. I guess I just feel that as long as I am vigilant about our R, and truly am trying consistently, that he should stick around. I'm going to age as the years go by. My activity level will, at some point begin to decrease (hopefully not any time soon - I'm looking way into the future here ). We will both at some point have some health problems. And I want him to stay with me anyway. There will always be someone who is thinner, more athletic, younger, whatever, but I want him to choose me. I guess I feel that I'm here for him through whatever comes up (within reason - if the A ever happened again, I'm not sure I'd stay, but who knows. I don't want to be in a R with this pattern continuing.)- when he loses his hair, when he's not so fit, if he were to become ill, etc. I guess I'd just like to feel that he feels the same way.
Thank you all for your posts. They help me keep my head down and keep working with patience.
Optimist - The anger is a real issue. I can totally relate to the pot of boiling water analogy. That is perfect. I feel this is so crucial to deal with, as it can color everything. I can feel myself wanting to really let someone have it if they are rude, etc. This is getting better now, but I definitely need an outlet because it will eat me alive if I let it. It steals the joy away so easily. It also comes out inappropriately, which is so hurtful.
There seems to be alot written about anger and forgiveness being closely tied together. This seems to be true in my sitch. Another area I really need to work on.
I have heard the same of Retrovaille. That it isn't a cure, but gives you good tools to work with. I am praying H will agree to go at some point. Seeing each other in a new light would seem to be very helpful. I am glad it helped you and your H. I look forward to getting to know you better.
Jackie - Thanks as always for your post. I hope you are OK today. The sarcasm is truly tough to let go. It is ingrained in my sense of humor (my whole family is like this - ouch). I don't think it is bad in every situation, but in trying to rebuild a R, and especially in disagreements, it is so destructive. I guess we'll need to find a balance here too.
Tae bo sounds great. I'll have to try and check out a tape. If I'm able to have some time to myself at some point, maybe doing tae bo and something like yoga to cultivate some peace would be a good combination. I wish we lived closer to each other - we could go together. I had planned to do some tapes after getting the kids to sleep, but I tend to fall asleep with our oldest, and get just the minimum done after that. I'll keep trying though.
There are retrovaille classes very frequently. It would be great if our H's would agree to go. One thought on this - maybe give your H some time to think about the reading material you've given him. I think it's good he's reading it, but I'd let it be his timing at this point. Let him bring it up, etc. You are doing a great job through this tough time. I am praying for you and your family.
Lumpy - Thanks! I am looking forward to catching up with you. Hope you are doing well.
Shay - Thank you for stopping by. I want to catch up on your thread. Hopefully you are well. I don't feel grounded - it's good to hear that I may sound that way at times. Acting as if !
Thank you all again for posting. It means more than you could know.
Mockers2
"Somehow we survive, and tenderness frustrated does not wither." Dennis Brutus, South African poet
"That which does not kill us makes us stronger."
Friedrich Nietzsche
Mockers, really cute idea on the welcome signs, I am sure he loved it and missed you guys even more when he saw it. I think you did great over the weddding ring missing. And yes he should have had it on, I agree, but he brought it up to you is a good sign. My H hasnt worn his in over a year- took it off to water ski he claimed and then later said it didnt feel right to put in on. Well, I guess not if you have a girlfriend on the side huh? see, I still get angry! But you are feeling the same way I felt and still obviously have inkling of feeling. I think over time it lessens and when he recognizes how you feel and takes responsibility for his contribution- I think it will lessen even more. I dont get the kicked in the gut feeling anymore for what its worth! I really enjoyed your post becuase you have written down my exact feelings- maybe I will copy it for my H some day. Hang in there and be happy he is there for you - even if he has made mistakes, at least he is drawn back to you now! LOL Shay
Thanks for the pointers on wedding rings. I am so glad you kept your cool and did not mention anything. I would have exploded (though I am getting better at shutting up). I would also love to have my H wear his, but don't dare ask. In fact, three days after we separated he went with our D to buy me a new wedding ring for my birthday, but it was too big and I have never worn it. It seemed mocking when he had spent those 3 days in OK at the wedding of the OW's son (though I only knew that 2 months later).
Do not worry about Retrouvaille. Your H's will agree when they are ready for it (I personally think they agree when God makes them ready for it). It took me nearly a year...
About the tapes: there are some exercise tapes that you can actually do with pre-school children. They do not seem very demanding physically, but it is better than nothing. You may want to check on that. If not, rolling on the carpet with and tickling your children must use up a ton of calories, and is more fun
Thanks Jackie for the book recommendation. We are going to the bookshop this evening and I will look it up. I seem to live at B&N lately.
"You don't throw a whole life away just 'cause it's banged up a little"
Tom Smith in "Seabiscuit"
You are amazing! I so admire your strength and ability to stay level headed. You are so right, you deserve someone who will love you unconditionally, without reservations and it sure does sound like H is coming around to that point.
Optimist, what did you do at Retrauville, what were the seminars/exercises that you did? I'm not going to mention it to H again until he says he is ready to work on the M, but I think we need tons of tools to "correct" all the mis-firings we have in our conversations and dealings with each other in the past.
Sorry, Jackie I cannot give you many details. It sounds kind of kitsch but we really are sworn to secrecy. It is a very intense program (I have never been more tired in my life) for two and a half days, run by married people that have been in our shoes and made it successfully to shore. It gives your H and you a chance to really know each other.
If someone had described the process to me before I went I would have said "that is impossible, you are kidding, it will never work". Well, it does, but not for everyone: three of 18 or so couples left before we finished the weekend. But it is the real thing. There were couples separated for years and living in different parts of the country, and couples in the middle of divorce proceedings and one already divorced.
"You don't throw a whole life away just 'cause it's banged up a little"
Tom Smith in "Seabiscuit"
I agree, Shay, that it does lessen with time. I have to keep reminding myself of that. Hope you are doing well.
Optimist - I have found that although it is so hard to keep my mouth shut, that has been the best thing in most of these situations. The first time I noticed my H wasn't wearing his ring I asked where is your ring. He said at home (meaning the other house ), and that was it. I said nothing else about it ever. I didn't trust myself to talk about it calmly because of the incredible hurt and rage I was feeling. It is a hurtful thing to do when they don't wear the ring, but it has helped me to try and depersonalize this behavior along with all the others. I will look into some kid work out tapes. Our children like to dance, so maybe it could work. Someone was teasing me the other day about not knowing who some popular new singer is - John somebody? I responded with, "I'm a moose in a treehouse, eating cookies, dancing 'round the cookie jar." Which is about all I've been listening to in the car lately . I did manage to slip in a beatles tape the other day - the kid's favorite is "come together" .
Jackie - Thank you - I certainly don't feel level headed at all - ever. Hang in there, and take one day at a time.
This is off topic, and I hope I don't get in trouble for this, but I just wanted to offer a prayer for the families of the 9/11 victims. I cannot imagine the pain they must be feeling still.
Thinking of all of you.
Mockers2
"Somehow we survive, and tenderness frustrated does not wither." Dennis Brutus, South African poet
"That which does not kill us makes us stronger."
Friedrich Nietzsche
Quoting mockers2: This is off topic, and I hope I don't get in trouble for this, but I just wanted to offer a prayer for the families of the 9/11 victims. I cannot imagine the pain they must be feeling still.
I do not see how can you get in trouble for that. Regardless of political views and what any particular person may think of how things are today, most of the world was shocked and hurting those two days (9/11/01 and 0/12/01). In a different scale it was like the Hiroshima bombing: changes your perspective. Le Figaro was right, we all were American that day.
On a brighter note, thanks God my D likes U2! Lately, she fell in love with a song by LeeAnn Womack called "I hope you dance" If you have not heard it, look it up. It is an absolutely wonderful hymn to a mother's hopes for a child. Actually, the whole CD was very appropriate to our situation There is a song called "Stronger than I am" that makes me cry. And "Does my ring burn your finger"... no comment. You can check it out at bn.com and save the money. See if the link works http://music.barnesandnoble.com/search/product.asp?userid=2WXOJY70CX&ean=8817009926
A bit of an update on my side. Thanks to you all (y'all as we say here) I have been very, very good and shut up, so we have not had any confrontations at home. I suppose the OW is still lurking around (she works for my H) but I have not made any comments. He has been much more relaxed and spends a lot more time at home. We even have taken up kayaking and on Tuesday he took me to dinner after we finished our class. We got home after midnight! and he asked to go to the movies today!
Thanks to you all
"You don't throw a whole life away just 'cause it's banged up a little"
Tom Smith in "Seabiscuit"
Optimist - way to go on keeping quiet . It is hard, but keep showing your H your confident, upbeat calm side and don't waste energy thinking about the OW. She's not worth the effort. Sounds like you are having alot of good contact with your H. Keep up the good work.
I want to check out that CD - it sounds great!
Mockers2
"Somehow we survive, and tenderness frustrated does not wither." Dennis Brutus, South African poet
"That which does not kill us makes us stronger."
Friedrich Nietzsche
), and that was it. I said nothing else about it ever. I didn't trust myself to talk about it calmly because of the incredible hurt and rage I was feeling. It is a hurtful thing to do when they don't wear the ring, but it has helped me to try and depersonalize this behavior along with all the others. 
. 
There is a song called "Stronger than I am" that makes me cry. And "Does my ring burn your finger"... no comment. 