Healing from a lifetime of self-deprecation

[still hopeful]

Journaling:

Vented my spleen tonight to a newly rekindled friendship from 25 years ago. Felt healing. Felt accepted. Felt affirmed. Felt un-judged. Felt loved as a friend.

[4kids]

How We Love

Don't get thrown by the sub heading. It will apply to ANY future relationship. Beware - it will challenge you.

N.

[still hopeful]

So, you feel this would be useful reading alone for future relationships also.?

[4kids]

Absolutely. It explores the 'imprint' we received while growing up in our own families and how we carry that with us into all our future relationships. It not only applies to current relationships, but will give you insight to how your parents raised you, and also how you can avoid some of the pitfalls as you 'imprint' your own children as they grow. It can be extended so much further than just within marriage. You have not doubt heard of the 'Love languages', well these authors promote the 'Love styles'.

I think the authors chose a target area of marriage for the focus of the book, maybe they thought "How We Love" by itself might be a bit too ambiguous.

Enter the book title dot com and you can get an idea of their ministry.

N.

[still hopeful]

Thank you, 4kids. I went there to check it out. I gotta fix me for me and my children. Everyone else is waaaaay after that.

[still hopeful]

JOURNALING:

Keeping my distance from XW. I'm pleasant, but exit any contact with her quickly and politely. Big downside to that is that my present day struggles keep me away from my children also, which I try to mitigate by calling them in the mornings and before bed. Doing what I AM ABLE to do. Focusing on me for now, because without sorting myself out, I'm of no use to anyone, including my children.

Closing this chapter is painful, but I know the new chapters of my life will be much happier and fulfilling. I look forward to living that out, rather than re-reading the same chapter and expecting it to all end differently. All is can work on now is to make a different and better me.

[faithisbelieving]

SH...you're doing the right thing. Powerful stuff indeed. Any woman who would lead a man in ..in front of you...any man...that would walk by you....and do that....UGH. It just gives me the heebie jeebies.

You must stay your course now lest you look like man that can't keep his word. You DO deserve to be loved. Hey..when you swim in a cesspool you begin to stink. You need to get out and wash yourself off. Again....I believe...the only way to reconcile a relationship is to grieve it's loss and move on. I believe Dr. Gray...that it is impossible to reconcile until the M is totally dissolved and, if possible, is rebuilt from scratch. THAT...of course...can take years.

Good stuff indeed. I'm still growing by reading this.

FIB

[still hopeful]

FIB,

Thank you, kind sir. Your interest and support helps me heal. Knowing that I'm not the only one with a failed or failing marriage is comforting as I KNOW healing will come and life will be better regardless of the ultimate outcome of my sitch.

Letting go is both difficult and a process. It's difficult to change the inertia of my inaccurately pointed vessel, the U.S.S. Tom, but I do realize that being pointed in the wrong direction by even one degree leads to a HUGE error in where I will ultimately arrive without auto-corrections along the way. NOW, is a big correction. Painful.

And yes, XW's choices in my presence are inappropriate and flat out wrong, but for her, perhaps they served her purpose to push me away; to force me to stand my ground and show what is completely unacceptable to ME. I do know that I've continued to show her what I will find acceptable by continuing to stick around waiting for whatever scraps she drops, although not necessarily for me so much as for her.

Yes, I must keep my word, not like I have NOT in the past. Yep, even I was getting tired of the stink of the cesspool invading my pores. Washing off.

Reading Men Are From Mars... now. Thanks.

Keep learning and offering your perspectives. I'm learning every day too.

[faithisbelieving]

First off...it's time you stop using the word 'failure'. Erase the word. The marriage changed....two people grew apart....someone had issues that made a long term commitment impossible....one or both CHOSE THE WRONG PERSON TO MARRY.

No SH...this is not a failure. It is a lesson in life. Whatever happened in Fall '05 was probably a wrong choice....an error. Your spouse was incapable of forgiving. This is a lesson.

Whatever happened back then...as my guru would say...you were working with 'the tools you had at the time'. There is nothing you can do to change this now. The gift you get is experience, understanding and most importantly 'clarity'.

It's a lesson in life...not a failure. Psychocybernetics will tell you that if you use words like failure...if you say I don't want to fail instead of I will succeed...that you WILL fail over time.

FIB

[faithisbelieving]

"Upon deciding, be quick to act."
- Maximilien Robespierre

Some gaps in the road can seem too broad for leaping. But if we can't get across them, we're stuck. All forward motion comes to a halt, and the journey toward self-realization is over. One of these gaps is the cavern that stands between decision and action.

After making a decision, a person is different. Whether you have decided to stay or leave, start or stop, risk or conserve, you have opted for change. Mentally, you have already done it. To fail to act on a well-considered decision is to invite confusion, double messages, and emotional chaos. With the loss of will, integrity is also lost.

Sometimes, because we're afraid to act, we won't even admit that, deep down, we've already made a decision. Perhaps, for example, we've completely withdrawn our spirits from a hated job or a dead marriage. By denying that we've already pulled out, we deny our own truth. This denial not only devastates our self-esteem, but it widens the gap between where we are now and our next destination. Sooner or later we're going to have to take the leap. Why not sooner?

Affirmation: Once made, an important decision will
cause me grief until I act on it.