Divorced and really scared.

[mishka422]

Just a thought.....you had a year of IC. With the same therapist the whole time? Any possibility that you got nothing out of it because it wasn't the right therapist for you?

[Reincarnated]

ot says things that are often hard to swallow, but she did help me immensely. Al Anon has online meetings, as well. There is a ton of literature, some that can be found in your local library. There are other 12-step programs also available, including co-dependence (CoDA).

I found this when I did a simple search:

Being involved in the twelve step program involves working the steps. Working the Twelve Steps involves: admitting to having a serious problem, recognizing there is an outside power that could help, consciously relying upon that power, admitting and listing character defects, seeking deliverance from defects, apologizing to those individuals one has harmed and helping others with the same problem.

As said prior, the original twelve step program began with alcoholics Anonymous. It was found, that when an individual did adhere to the principles of the twelve step program quality of life improved within the family unit. This resulted in approximately fifty different twelve step program groups. The reason for this is simple. The beauty of A.A., why it works so well, is that the people involved in the program have themselves gone through recovery and understand the problems current participants are experiencing. For this reason, groups for different substances arose. In addition, other groups that deal specifically with behavioral problems sprouted up as well. The twelve steps are used to work out problems like: sexual compulsion, gambling and even dealing with debts.

You sounded like you were hoping to find help, to find peace, and make your life better. There is a way to do that, but you have to decide it is what you want and be willing to do the work to get there.

Please feel free to vent - we've been there, and each of us has to walk the path on their own time table. You will stay in this place as long as you need to. The prior suggestions are only those, suggestions, if you want to get to a different place, perhaps faster and with less pain, than if you just let time pass.

[Reincarnated]

btw, I did (and continue) IC, participated in STBT (short-term behavior therapy), and AlAnon. AlAnon provided a huge support system and did a LOT to make me feel better / show me the pieces that I was missing. You'll find the same messages, presented in slightly different ways, over and over, as you work to make your life better. It depends on how open and receptive you are to them.
12-steps are free.

[oldtimer]

Great suggestion on coda Donna. Here's a link to their website, it looks like they also have meetings: http://www.codependents.org/

[cat03]

I'm sorry you feel like you are being judged G, I think that's the last thing any of us is trying to do.
What we are trying to say is that "staying" a victim wont' help you. Yes, we've all been victims of very selfish people and we've been hurt, our next step is to use what's happened to us as a stepping stone to a better life. I have seen 3 different Cs, the last one was the best, everytime I left his office I felt I made progress. That's the rule of thumb, if by the 3rd visit you haven't had any progress then it's time to get a new.

To paraphrase from the book "healed without scars":
"...the underlying cause of T's brokenness was that she had lost sight of her true reason for living...she was driven by the wounds of her divorce... Her purpose for herself had been to have a relationship with her exH. All her dreams had been wrapped up in him. That is why, when the R failed, she had felt lost...
...I asked her if she'd forgiven her H for leaving her. "I will never forgive him" she said. "then he will always be in control of your life" I replied...
..FOrgiveness is a release...if she didnt' forgive her H it would be as if she were tied to him by a rope for the rest of her life...her anger was not affecting him one way or another.
She was wasting her anger on him when she should be angry with herself for allowing him to control her life.
The greatest insult was not the fact that he had left her. It was that she was still holding on to him with her anger long after he was gone...
God wants to heal you of youR pain and restore you to His original purpose--demostrating the same creative power that He used in forming the world...the enemy desires to restrain you and cast you into the furnace -- not a physical binding but a binding of the spirit; not a physical furnace but a potentially tragic circumstance...his desire is that the entire ordeal would ultimately destroy your faith, kill your hope and seal off your promise, leaving you wounded and scarred for life...
You have been created for wholeness, victory, recovery and breakthrough...a life of wholeness without scars..."

[Gwyn]

Here's a little truth. My ex-fiance is very angry with me. He said I used him, took advantage of his generosity and that I'm cheap. He wanted me to pick up some of our entertaintment expenses, which I didn't because I simply couldn't afford it and he told me that I should have done what he was doing and taking it out of the bank. I guess there was some truth in it, but I was very scared. I had lost my job and I wasn't in a place where I thought I could spend money like he was. And, maybe I'm wrong, be I was the invitee. I never asked for anything. So I guess I've put a lot of blame on myself, I should have been this and I should have done that, and I should have been more caring, I should have, could have, etc. So I battle myself and now that he's so angry at me, he really belittles me and I take it because somehow I feel like I deserve it. And, if I may be so blunt again. We fought about sex a lot. I wasn't meeting his needs and he was taking all the financial responsiblity and wasn't getting anything in return. I can't explain it to you other than I really shut down with him in every way. And, he pounded on me constantly about our sex life that I became more and more depressed. Fast forward, he still wants to work things out and I'm trying, but he's putting a lot of demands on me because he tells me he wants what he wants and he won't settle for less. He states that there's a lot of women out there who won't cause him so much grief in the bedroom. Anyway, if the truth be known, I'm trying to make this relationship work when I know in my heart that I'm compromising myself just to make him happy and my life easier. I know with him, I won't have to worry about him cheating and he'll always be there for me. At the same time, he demands my weekends, no family events (without him) because the weekends are all that we have.

Okay, as I type this, I realize that I'm in an unhealthy relationship, huh?

[oldtimer]

Yes, very. And the guy sounds like a disfunctional, abusive, irresponsible a$$, pretty much like your XH. You are recreating that R to work out the issues in your life that really have little to do with either of them. Work those issues out without XH and without XF. They are both toxic men for you. Go to al anon, or the codependents group. Get help.

[Reincarnated]

Gwyn,
I can tell you that it is much easier to see this from outside the sitch, but you really did make a startling revelation yourself, today.

It is an unhealthy relationship.

Consider yourself lucky that you dodged a bullet - you aren't married to this one!

You can set your standards much higher than just being with someone who won't cheat on you.

Tell the guy he doesn't have to "settle," he has to move on.

It is better to be on your own than trying to turn yourself inside out trying hit a moving target - it takes a lot of time to find a comfortable place with that (because it is different, doesn't feel familiar). I thought I was actually going through withdrawal...

[karen43]

I know with him, I won't have to worry about him cheating and he'll always be there for me.

I had a M kind of like that too. And I realize part of me thought well with the way he is, at least he'll never leave me b/c who the heck would want him? But you know what, he managed to find an OW as messed up as him. So if that's your only reason for staying in the R, I don't think you have any reason!!! Karen

[cat03]

run for the hills hon, if he is like this *before* he is married to you, imagen what would be like if he is your H! he'll just own you then!!
Do you know how many of us in this site thought our Ss would never ever ever cheat on us?? I thought the world would end before x would've cheated on me.
How can your life be easier which such a demanding overbearing man? a good H cherishes and treats his W with respect and consideration, builds her up and protects her, is that how you are being treated G?
You are in an abusive R, please take care of yourself.