Healing from a lifetime of self-deprecation

[still hopeful]

fib,

Thank you for your kind words and emotional support. It saddens me that so many people, myself included, are so bad at picking suitable partners and marriage.

I've been told all along, and recently by some friends, that I'll know when it's time to let go and that won't be until the pain exceeds the 'benefit' I recieve from doing this all MY way.

I am getting stronger, as evidenced by my willingness to have the R talk with XW for the first time after three years. I realize that three years isn't a long time for some here, but it's been long enough for me. I gather that reaching that willingness, and exposing myself to the seemingly inevitalbe end of my sitch, IS a step forward for me, and yet, despite that effort, I haven't moved a whole heck of a lot emotionally.

I'll re-iterate what I've come to believe, courtesy of my good friend, which is that XW may not be capable of letting go of her harmed feelings nor desirous of doing so. And where does that leave me and us if she's broken in such a debilitating way and either doesn't recognize it OR does and simply doesn't see it as an issue in need of her attention and repair? In pain and sadness that will subside in time. I understand that only I control my attitude and am responsible for marching purposefully towards being happy, healthy and whole.

I do know that throughout all of my sitch, I've seen MY issues as being in need of both my attention and repair/improvement. I've done that and continue to do so. THAT effort is my gift to me and my children. I get to keep my improvements regardless of what our endgame turns out to be. Should we NOT reconcile, I am confident that I'll grow to accept and heal what IS and she'll lament her unwillingness and/or inability to move through her feelings of hurt/harm to re-build our intimate relationship which is both savable and worthy of being saved. THAT will be a sad time for both of us, but I will be able to look in the mirror and recieve solace from knowing I did everything I could to save US.

Thanks to you, fib, for taking the time to extend yourself to another brother here. Be strong. Do right. Know that you are not alone. Others here cheer your efforts, tanacity and desires, and there are tons here who don't post. You and yours are in my thoughts and prayers.

[faithisbelieving]

The greatest gift that this gives you SH...is ...clarity. Believe me, I walk the same path you do. Over time here, I truly believe in what Dr. Gray of Venus Mars fame says. He states that the hope of reconciliation is really a form of denial and....that TRUE reconciliation can't really occur until the relationship is ended and completely restarted anew.

I believe that. Sadly, I also believe that when we DO get to this point, it's after years of healing and growth,and, the WAS realizing that the person you married WAS the right choice.

I don't know for sure.

I do know that it takes GREAT courage to make that final personal goodbye. It comes from a place within that, we,as men, hardly ever let anyone get close enough to see. It's a closely guarded place that many of us only allow ONE woman get into. It's barricaded with concrete and barbed wire on the outside...lined with porcelain on the inside.

I understand.

The woman that I created life with.....changed...and it won't be easy to make that final departure. You'll heal. The decision on when to start that final path is yours to make. Sounds like it's here and now.

If you want to see courage, I recommend that you find 'trapt' on the boards here. Go to his current thread and read pages 17-19. I think you'll understand when you read that.

Chin up. You are not alone and you'll be OK.
FIB

[still hopeful]

Last posted on 4/7/09.

Someone else has a topic on this board that is "What the heck is wrong with me?" I'm thinking the same thing about me. My issue is really about me only, and not my XW. What the heck is wrong with me that I'm still stuck?

I've been told that I'll let go when the pain of hanging on exceeds whatever it is I'm getting from hanging on. I tell you, I even surprise myself at what a glutton for punishment and a doormat I've become in my sitch.

Chronicle of the last 6 months or so. Lost my job. Haven't been able to find gainful employment since. THAT blow really eats at my sense of self worth. On February 3rd, I was ina car accident because I ran a read light. I don't recall being distracted, but apparently I was. Luckily, I wasn't injured, nor was my son, but the young lady whom I pulled in front of crushed her little care and badly broke her leg. I've moved out of my place and in with a friend, as a stop-gap to moving back to my home town and in with my parents, so I would be able to be closer to my children (and yes, closer to XW, sadly). So, at present, I don't have a place to call my own. I didn't carry collision insurance (liability only) due to cost, and now I'm without a vehicle also.

I've been moving sideways for 3+ years now, deluding myself into thinking I've been doing the right thing and I've come to realize that the ONLY person I've been doing right by is my XW. This week, D8 is on spring break and I've been with her and S3, at my XW's house because I have no car to get them back and forth and my present 'home' isn't conducive to having them there.

So...I've spent this week at XW's house taking care of my children. On Tuesday evening, XW gets ill. She is so ill she can't go into work for two days. Today, she sleeps late, gets up, goes in and then calls me to tell me she's going out to dinner with one of her male staff. I don't say anything except fine. At 2:00am, she rolls in and asks me if I had just called her. I told her I had and what I said. She proceeds to tell me that she brought her male staff member home with her and was going to take him to his car in the AM and that she's going into work tomorrow. I just looked at her and said, "You don't owe me any explanation. Do what you're gonna do." She kept trying to make nice with me and I'm just done. She took this guy to her BR to sleep. Mind you, she's NOT my wife, and she owes me nothing, but I'm done. Tonight was the final nail in the coffin of my hope, as miniscule as it was. I had previously told her that hanging out with her male staff was a bad idea from a management standpoint, and in light of the fact that she's been with this company less than two months. But what do I know. She is who she is and I deserve both happiness and to be loved in return and THAT's not gonna happen in this relationship.

As my friend Wilbert's been telling me for ages, I MUST take care of me first or I'm worthless to everyone. Well, I've reached that state of being. I'm going home tomorrow. I may be moving back to my parent's to sort out my job and a car situation. Clearly, I was wrong in clinging to my hope to reconcile. I suppose that I can just chalk this up to the fact that WE ran our course, and it didn't work out for US. That's sad, but that does seem to be the fact of my life.

The worst part of all of this is that I'm going to miss my children terribly for a short while, but this is just a chapter in my life, that I WILL stop re-reading, hoping for a different result. I heard a sermon recently,

"Don't EVER put a question mark where God has put a period. When something is over and done, let it go and move on to the next chapter in your life. It may be bitter, but God has another indredient (for my life). There's something in my future that will turn the sour into sweet."

THAT has been my choice pattern...any punctuation except a period. THAT's my life and my choice at this point. My move. I haven't been able to move onto my new chapter of redemption because I've been stuck, addicted to the old chapter of pain and control and suffering.

It seems that I've reached my limit for punishment from XW that I can willingly endure. It also seems that she hasn't reached her limit on how much she can dish out. Please, if anyone has ANY words of encouragement for me to continue on, I'm all ears. I pray. I do what I believe is right. I'm honest with people. I'm good to people. I don't get it other than this must be a chapter of my life in need of closing.

To my friend faithisbelieving, thank you for your encouragement. I do know that I'll be OK. I'm a good man who's made mistakes and learned from them. I'm an excellent father who's fallen down in the job market and can't seem to get on his feet. I'm feeling like a failure in those two areas: 1) marriage and 2) providing. On top of everything else, my stamina to continue taking what I take from XW is at its lowest point. I'm weak. I know that phoenixdeux is right that letting go it my only chance to reconcile, but at this point, after tonight, I see XW has no ability to forgive and move forward with me AND/OR she is not desirous of doing so. In addition to all of HER decisions/actions, I, for the first time, am seriously doubting that she is someone that I want to be with after 3+ years of consistently hurtful behavior towards me. But I have myself to thank and blame for that, as I am the one who taught her what treatment from her that I'm willing to accept. Either way, my only real 'choice' is to let go, and let God. Maybe this has all been His way to burn away all of my obstacles to Him and purify me to receive Him wholly. I know that faith is all about trusting God when I don't understand things, and I don't understand my situation with my XW at all.

I'm simply incredibly sad and broken over all of this. I suppose I could have been through all of this right away if I hadn't decided that we were worth reconciling and saving as a married couple. I'm grasping at straws here. There hasn't been anything firm here all along except XW getting her needs met thru me. I feel like such a sucker and a dummy. Is that what I am?

[faithisbelieving]

Being in the same house...and your XW bringing a man in...in front of you...says it all. Stop hurting yourself and chuck the fear.

Get one more book....a set of CDS...Psychocybernetics. I have it. Start reprogramming yourself to succeed.
FIB

[still hopeful]

I have the book. Only about 4 Chapters in. Will read it all this weekend.

Nice Easter, huh? Thanks, FIB.

Strangely enough, I don't lack for female attention, I've just been stuck on controlling the outome of my sitch. I suppose that I'll need to shelve my mantra of, "I just don't have the emotional currency to be in a relationship." Mmmmm, could be.

[still hopeful]

So, FIB, what gets you up so early on a Saturday?

[faithisbelieving]

I got called to the ER...appendicitis..and I am waiting for the case to go.

We get duped into thinking that we can save our M's, when, in fact, our very appearance here means that we are in the deepest doodoo R's. FIB

[still hopeful]

Happy Easter everyone.

Journaling, April 12, 2009

Hello FIB and everyone else who happens upon my ramblings:

More clarity from what happens in my life. Today, sleeps in late from her late night out with her employee/'friend'. Her brother comes over and I don't pay too much attention to him because, quite frankly, I don't know the parameters of their brother/sister relationship since I don't live there. Regardless, XBiL plays around with my children and ends up with my D8 in XW's closet rummaging through her over-the-counter meds and prescriptions. I ask D8 what they're doing and D8 tells me that she's getting her uncle some Tylenol. I don't really think much of it, but thought it kind of strange that he came over and right away needs Tylenol. Shortly, I tell D8 that her mac-n-cheese is ready. XW asks me to get everyone out of her BR and I do. D8 comes down to the kitchen to eat. I ask D8 where Uncle is, and she tells me that he's smoking. That piqued my interest and I went and checked on him, but he was already gone. XW gets up shortly and looks for her purse, but it's nowhere to be found. XW suspects that Uncle took it, so she calls him but no answer.

XW asks me if I would go with her and our children to Uncle's place and I did. We get there and he's not there, but we spot him driving and turn around. XW parks in front of Uncle and I stay in the car until XW motions for me to come out. She tells me that he admits to taking her purse and refuses to give it back. She's beside herself and asks me to retrieve the purse. I knock on the door and Uncle talks loudly through the front window, eventually coming out and threatening to attack me. Not wanting to be in a fight with him, I retreat. XW asks me what she should do and I tell her to call the Sheriff, so she does, but not before placing calls to both her mother and younger sister. No answers. After talking with the dispatcher, XW tells me that she wants me to go in and get the purse physically. I tell her that I would not and that I wasn't going to jail for her or anyone else for that matter. (I related this episode to my friend who is a child advocate attorney and she was appalled that XW would encourage and urge this behavior/interaction in front of our children.) She tells me to just let him hit me so the Deputies would take Uncle in. I again told her that I'm not willing to go to jail for her.

Two Deputies show up and they discuss the situation with XW. They retrieve the purse and XW, the children and I leave. XW then leaves to go to work, and brings back her employee/'friend' to change the locks on the house. I'm polite and clearly uncomfortable with her lack of respect for me bringing her 'interest' around me but, as she said, it IS her house.

Lotta talking. Excuse me... but this is therapeutic for resurrecting the new me on Easter Sunday. I thinks it's appropriate.

ME: Is there something you need to tell me?
HER: No, like what?
ME: Are you dating DH#5? Is that your intention?
HER: Well, it's not decided.
ME: I want to get out of here.
HER: Well, if you can't be respectful of me and my guest, then fine, just leave.
ME: I've been respectful of your guest, the children and I'd just rather not be around you. Makes me sad.
ME: Besides, I've been over here when you've had male 'friends' spend the night and they spent the night on the couch. That wasn't the case last night. What, are you just f--k buddies?
HER: NO!
ME: Doesn't he work for you?
HER: Yes.
ME: Look, I don't care who you f*ck, but I will tell you this, you cannot make a bigger mistake than f*cking your employee.
HER: No one even suspects anything.
ME: Trust me. They KNOW. ALL of them. (I've already had this discussion a week ago about hanging out with him, but she apparently wants to learn the hard way; she craves that male attention 'fix', doesn't matter who, sometimes even from me.) And if she doesn't know already, your boss will soon know, too. (She now works for a very close-knit, family-oriented business. Should all go over real well.) I gotta get out of her. Thanks for helping me to see everything so clearly through your actions last night and today. I appreciate.

XW takes me to my place.
HER: Do you have anything that you want to talk about?
ME: Nope. I said everything I needed to say both today and the other night. I've done everything I can do to work towards an attempt at reconciliation.
HER: Well, I've been badly hurt, and you just can't erase years of THAT in just a year or two ('course it's been 3). I don't want to go through that again.
ME: Yep, you've made that clear. THAT's what forgiveness is all about. Your holding onto all of it so tightly You clearly want' anyone except ME! Makes me really sad, because in my heart of hearts, I know we could have made our marriage what we both always wanted it to be from the beginning. I'll miss you.
HER: I'll miss you, too. I'm losing my best friend.
ME: I don't believe you. I've watched too much. And, I'm not your friend.
HER: You're not my friend?
ME: No. I told you that from DAY 1. NO room in that stable with all of your ex-boyfriends that you keep around. I'm not willing to be your 2nd boyfriend or 2nd husband and do the work while you share your bed and give your affection to someone else. Too painful.
HER: I'm really sad for you.
ME: Don't be. I know I deserve both happiness and to be loved in return and THAT hasn't happened with you in a long time. I only wish I had moved on so much sooner, like you did, because I'd be through all of this hurt already. Do you even know why I've held myself in 'pause' for three years for you?
HER: NO. I never asked you to. But, I'm not through. I'm not finished (with our relationship). I don't know what the future holds for me.
ME: Well, the good news is, you now have one LESS option to concern yourself with. I know that you future holds for me, ; happiness and love in return. The good news for me is that I've watched you and experienced all of this up close. You told me the other day that you would be devastated if I divorced you emotionally right now; totally devastated. I didn't believe you then, and I don't believe it now. Your actions bring clarity. Thank you.
HER: Well, don't talk to me about DH#5. You're living with your GF.
ME: No, I'm not. We sorted this all out a long time ago, BEFORE I ever decided to move in. I told her that MY feelings hadn't changed and weren't likely to do so. We'd be able to help each other out. Mutually beneficial. This was my last resort; my last local opportunity to stay near the children and you and to help you out as much as I could.
HER: No, it's not. She's in love with you, and you still....
ME: Yes, it IS my last option and NO, I don't. I made that clear before I ever decided on moving in. (This woman is going thru her fourth bout with cancer and is currently going thru chemotherapy treatment every 3 weeks. She's weak and I help her out as much as possible. Twenty masses removed from her abdomen in February. Am I getting something out of this? Yes. We both get something out of this set up.) I was offered this opportunity to remain near you and the kids 3-4 months before I accepted, and I didn't accept until AFTER everything else fell through. Believe what you want. You do anyway.
ME: You know, you still haven't stopped so you can think, feel, heal and deal. So you can forgive me and we'd possibly have the opportunity to work on reconciling. I believe you either don't know HOW to forgive, let go and move forward with me OR it's simply that you don't desire to do so. Running may just be easier. Either way, the end result is still the same, now isn't it?
HER: I may never stop.
ME: You may not, but I can tell you this. I'm exhausted from pursuing you. I'm a good man...with flaws, yes, but a good man. I deserve better. I deserve to be happy, and I'm going to make that happen. I'm sorry I failed you as a husband, I truly am. I'm really sad about all this.

We parted ways. I'm sad, but I said what I needed to say. I've done what I've needed to do. My conscience is clear. I've repented my sins. I've prayed for guidance and the clarity of His will to be evident to me. I've apologized to her repeatedly. I've improved myself. I've deepened my faith. I've done all that I can do, except let go, as Phoenixdeux advised. I've reached that point. I had the 'R' conversations I feared having; feared because I didn't want to hear and accept what I knew likely was my truth. Well, our first conversation was my first giant step and tonight was my second in the direction of letting go and healing. I hope that after today, the remaining steps will be smaller and hurt less as I hopefully take advantage of my own inertia and keep myself moving along in the right direction. Time will tell, but for now, I need to walk the walk; instead of just talking the talk. I need to not cave in to my desires to see my children, knowing I'm also incredibly drawn to her presence. It's all clear now. I've been told that when I really let go, much of the pain goes away. That's been my past experience.

So, here I am. Working on letting go, as Phoenix said:

Letting go doesn't mean it's over...it just means you quit pining away and start to look at her as your EX wife. I've been where you are. I'm remarried to her, so I know there is hope...but it was just being open to possibility of reconciliation, without actually expecting it, that was more helpful.

More apt words I have not run across. I will live my life acting "As If...", understanding that future in this situation is made brighter simply by my willingness to get unstuck; to move; to take action.

I need all of the encouragement you all have to offer; not to give up, but to live as though I've let go with the intention opf letting go and outward actions of having let go. Regardless of the final outcome of my sitch, I know that Phoenixdeux's direction again of:

Just keep a positive attitude. If it doesn't happen with your wife then you did what you could. If I were you, I'd tell your wife the truth.

I would frame it this way though: "I know it probably doesn't change anything with us, except to make it worse, but I need to have a fresh start at life and do things right from this point forward."

is sound. I did all of this, and as of right now, it didn't change anything nor make things worse, necessarily, but it did add clarity to my already murky situation.

Well, I've rambled on long enough about my journey, not to end my 'marriage' with my XW, but to find clarity and direction in moving forward in His direction, to make His will my reality; to move forward in the way that is best for me, XW, and our two beautiful and perfect children. Open to all who have a thought, preferably positive, to assist me in thinking, feeling, healing and dealing in my situation.

[frank_D]

You are the man. Good stuff

[still hopeful]

Thank you, my good friend Frank.

I don't know if I'm THE man, but I've come to accept and affirm that I am, indeed, a GOOD man. I'm learning to communicate better, in general, from my interactions with you. I miss our more direct communications. I always gain so much from them.

I hope my message finds you and your girls well.