Im trying to learn to take my advice but its not that easy. My H has filed the paperwork and has made it very clear he doesnt want me. I am still praying cause i'm having a hard time with just not wanting to give in and give him what he asks for now even though its not what i want. I know its not over until its over but I dont know how to tell for sure what I need to do. I think I am letting my emotions get in the way of what God is trying to tell me. This is so hard. Thank you guys for hanging around with me though. If my marriage doesnt work out I know that I will find a way somehow to dedicate part of my life to helping any other marriages i can.
Hi DQ - I just read your first post and thought is great. I to have been on both sides and I see that what you posted to be very true. What I would like to know from you - Is what constitutes an Affair ?
I had an affair while living with my H. After years my H left me and within weeks of living away from home took up with a woman whom he is still with today. He says it is not an affair. He is open with her. Dating and introducing family and friends that are interested. We are both still in emotional and financial turmoil. Attached at the hip by business and kids. with all your research would you conside r this relationship of his doomed.
It has only been 6 months and he was telling everyone who would listen that he had a new 'friend' within weeks , months of meeting. He does not live with her.
Yes, his new relationship is totally doomed. However, it might take several years for it to run its course.
I like to tell the story of an ex-BIL...he married his high school sweetheart, they had 3 kids. He began an affair with the wife of a close friend when the kids were between ages 5 - 10. The affair went on for over a year, and then the wife found out and confronted him. He immediately did all the "never was in love with you" re-writing of history and said he wanted a divorce. His very close family all warned him he wasn't thinking clearly, that his kids were going to really be upset and would suffer, and that the OW was a piece of trash. He told everyone straight up the following:
*My family will side with ME, because they are MY family.
*My kids will be JUST FINE, don't talk to me about MY KIDS.
*My family WILL accept OW, because I chose her.
He obviously had a lot of faith that blood was not only thicker than water, but it also had no real thoughts of its own! He honestly felt his kids would be happy for him! He felt his family would be happy for him!
He was wrong. His kids suffered and continue to suffer to this day. One of them became a family law attorney, because she wanted to somehow help people going through the horrible-ness of divorce. The other two are having lots of issues in their own familys now. All three of them have told him in no uncertain terms that his actions destroyed their young lives.
His family all sided with his ex-wife, whom they had known and loved for 15 years. They also all completely rejected the OW, and when he began bringing her around to family functions, it caused huge fights and unease amongst everyone....which he blamed THEM for, not himself and not the OW. He truly could neve really understand how anyone felt. He was blindsided by it all. He truly felt they would all just be happy for him and would love the OW!
His ex-wife did move on, with class and grace (she did try very hard to save the marriage first, but eventually gave up). She is re-married to a wonderful man. The entire family still keeps in touch with her and loves her.
He eventually married his OW. It lasted about 8 years. Success? Not. He was just too ashamed to admit he had been wrong, so he stuck it out and pretended he was happy all that time. In reality, she was a raging alcoholic and made his life hell every single day for all of those years. The family would witness her being falling down drunk and starting fights with him at family functions, and we would all just snigger behind our hands because, WOW! THIS woman is who you dumped your beautiful, classy wife for? Have fun with that! The final straw for him was that the OW drove up to their house one day with police cars following her....they had been trying to pull her over for obvious drunk driving and she was so drunk she thought she could "lose them" by driving home, which was on a cul de sac! She was arrested, of course. After that, he finally filed for divorce.
I had heard that years later, he apologized to his ex-W and kids, and did exclaim the usual "what was I thinking?" stuff. Too little too late. They all already paid the price for his "love" for the OW, and there is no way he can repair the damage.
So my point is....
This man in my story claimed he was happy and had made the right choice for years and years...he was willing to pay the price of staying with the OW even though it was actually a horrible torture for him, all due to shame over what he had done to his family. He kept hoping that what he originally thought (that everyone would side with him) would come true and that we would all eventually learn to love the OW. But the truth prevailed...he had thrown away his life and everyone who loved him, too. And eventually that truth will always prevail....
As to what constitutes an affair...
That one is so hard. All I can say is that I now know what those boundaries are within myself. I know myself, I know what is "wrong" now, where before, that line was pretty murky for me. For myself, I will not even flirt or pass a "look" or catch eyes with another person....those seemingly simple or innocent acts are the beginning stirrings of attraction, and attraction is usually what leads us toward another person...and then we know what happens from there.
Polly - I haven't read your whole thread or sitch...but I have to ask you because it is confusing to me, do you even want your ex-h back?
No. I am very angry and I hurt for my kids. Dont get me wrong,I would love to have my family back in tact but I realise that I was living with someone , whom I did not really know. I say that in the way he is so hurtful, angry and hateful in his actions towards myself and kids now.
I dont think you can develope the ability to be so insensitive. It has to of been inside you all the time. It makes me wonder if this underlying trait if his , which helped me towards someone else.
The damage H is doing emotuionally to us , is at a point now where it cnnot be forgiven. I am a little luckier than most in that I have complete control of our businesses now and hence his flow of income. This of course is fueling his frustration and anger. Every time he throwa a log on the fire , I tighten the rope. So round and round we go.
The damage H is doing emotionally to us , is at a point now where it cannot be forgiven.
Someone around here has the quote... forgiveness is a gift you give yourself.
Eventually it will be beneficial for you to forgive. Time does heal all wounds.
But I do understand where you are coming from... I was with a W who came on without pretense, inserted herself as 'mommy' to my boys, and seemed like a dream come true in some ways. Of course now she is hateful, spiteful, vindictive, selfish, and has no care in the world how her actions affect me or the boys, or for that matter our daughter.
These times will pass however.
"You can't reason someone out of a position they didn't reason themselves into."
I was wondering if you could stop by my current sitch and offer your thoughts from the A POV. You were one of the earliest posters and had alot of great insight.
I am over in piecing and I have not seen your posts Until I was catching up on Puppy's thread. I have to tell you Your responce to Puppy's w's letter to him hit me right in the heart. I am not a WAW, my H is MLC but, is still at home and trying I guess in his own way to get better.
I haven't been able to put into words or put straight my thoughts about how I feel until I read that letter that you broke down for puppy. This IS me. This is just how I have been feeling. I am trying to work through all of this and I do want my M. Maybe I can more clearly work on this now. I just sat and cried when I read it.
JAK
You don't get to choose how you're going to die. Or when, you can only decide how you're going to live now. ~Joan Baez
