Need Help handling affair thats still going on

[fisherman]

but I'm funny how, I mean funny like I'm a clown, I amuse you? I make you laugh, I'm here to amuse you? What do you mean funny, funny how? How am I funny





JK I love that movie !

What's up good fella?

[kjensen]

Mach-
Funny -in that you have a good (appreciated) sense of humor.
A sense of humor is invaluable during this craziness!

If YOU F-ed up, how would YOU want that shown to you ?

I would want someone to show me with love and physical affection!! but that's not what he wants ..

I know, I know, back to the drawing board...
I think H wants to have nothing brought up that would give him the slightest feeling that he wasn't respected or trusted. He is wired to respond at the slightest hint of judgement and distrust with full-blown anger(as a defense I believe)..the problem is...although I respect him(him, not necessarily his recent decision-making), I currently don't trust him and don't think I should necessarily as the lies big and small are still happening...

[Mach1]

hey K

I know......I had always wanted to use that line.....LOL




Love and affection.....think about that and find a way to do that without saying it or getting too close for comfort for him.

Guilt is what is causing him to NOT want that from you. And it isn't necessarily a bad thing, as long as you are NOT the one giving it to him.

He will respond negatively to anything that he feels threatening to his actions. Don't push those buttons for him.

Trust has to be earned, and you have every right NOT to right now.

You are still really early in this, and the BEST way to get through it is to just take that look in the mirror and do the things that YOU need to do. Learn and read as much as you can, and understand WHAT is happening around you. Things will get brighter for you the more you let go and just do the things that affect you.

Anything else will be viewed as a ploy, and written off as not being real. Not what you want....

Make this about you and what you can do to be better. I always viewed this as a two for one special.....yes, he is going through some things with himself, but you get to as well. You get to look in the mirror and really do the things, and be the person that you always wanted to be. Devote that time to your children , and show them the "correct" way to deal with issues in their life. Not by running away from them.

Change is difficult to do, but not impossible....

Change is something that we generally view as unapproachable, but it really only is when we are TOLD that we have to. If WE initiate it ? Well then.....we are open to it.

Let change start with you, and good things will happen....Maybe not with your marriage, but with you.....

.......and YOU are worth saving.....Right ?

Peace.....M1

[kjensen]

I am. Thanks. I think early in I have been doing a lot of work on myself b/c that is all that I had/have control over-so I GOT that part of the proces. I can see how H has been wary of the changes I've made within and on the outside. So I know consistency in action and purpose is important.

As "they" say..the only thing you can count on is change...

Mach-Thanks for the ideas/ input!

[Concerned_Listener]

My Plan:
-Always be working on staying detached and emotionally healthy-no rescuing behavior.
-Low or no expectations, keep hopes in check.
-Be pleasant and upbeat.
-Listen more than I speak. Use Active listening/validation as needed.
-No R/A/OW talk(this I have been doing well until yesterday-then just about R)
-Show H through actions and NOT words, that I am forgiving and NOT judging him.
-Do things for me and spend wuality time with my girls.

These are great goals to strive for--a balance of compassion, friendliness, boundaries, and self-care.

CL

[kjensen]

Thanks CL.
I hope you are feeling better, hope the antibiotics have kicked in!
Have a wonderful weekend!

[kjensen]

OK. So I'm working on the detachment goals. Kids were gone all day at play rehearsal and a birthday party.
H and I had a pretty good day-spent 9:30am til 6pm pretty much together(except for my haircut appointment). Worked painting my D13's room (finally done!!!!). Did a few errands together and I took him out for dinner as a thank you for his help. Overall a good day. Some major flirting from me(which is where I need to improve my detachment skills)..

H says he just doesn't feel like sex. I did unfortunately let a zinger go..I said well, just not with me...He thought that was mean and I said it was just about me and how I feel, not him...
Anyway I joked if he found his libido he should just text me "Found it!"-he laughed..
Sadly H made some disparaging remarks about himself today(regarding being out-of-shape and not being able to afford to eat out) and I just let most go and once said "You need to say something positive about yourself everyday!-in a lighthearted voice. He didn't blow up which is good. He did note that he gets irritated very easily(which its true)-it was nice he could notice it himself. H also mentionned how he always thought of himself as a good communicator, but in his therapy yesterday his therapist pointed out how he wasn't as good as he thought(he gave no specifics) & this made him sad. Whenever he and I miscommunicate(wich he only thinks is an issue with me) I've always felt I was at fault. But maybe its not just me. He is going to go to the communication class with me for couples but says his expectation isn't to resolve any marital issues, but learn to communicate better.
Haven't brought up the San Diego trip- still waiting for more positivity and the right moment.
H gave me a hug goodbye and will come by tomorrow to help me hide eggs for the girls.

I hope everyone has a wonderful Easter tomorrow!

[kjensen]

Happy Easter!
We're having a wet and gloomy Easter here...H came over to hide eggs, had breakfast as a family(which in retrospect was the best part of the day). D13 felt ill so I took her to the doctor-of course its just a virus...

H took a nap at our home while I had the girls at the doctor's..then he called his parents(still hasn't told them we're separated).
He and I had a nice lunch as both girls napped away the afternoon. I did ask if he'd thought at all about San Diego and he said he had. He wasn't sure how comfortable he was going. I said let me know what you decide b/c I'd rather come back early if I'm going alone, so I don't spend Mother's Day on my own, away from the girls. No big drama or uncomfortableness about San Diego-which is good. Reminded him we'd go just as friends.

H and talked more about separating bank accounts. He said talks like we've had the last couple of days are helpful. He gets overwhelmed with all the details of separating. I mentionned how I thought separating the bank accounts would be the easiest step and is reversible should he come back home-he agreed. Whenever he talks of Divorce(not often) its only as a possibility, not an absolute.

He is still uncomfortable at home, although sometimes he seems quite at home.. Is this from guilt? Is H having guilt a good sign in any way-sign that he's processing his behavior as a 'real' human being? Just wondering? I truly do nothing to make him feel guilty, I act as if we are fine as a couple..Any thoughts?

I behaved today-no flirting. It really has felt like a rather sad and disappointing day/holiday to me-maybe b/c of the weather, my D13 being ill, people being disconnected, no family atmosphere.

These are the moments I'm determined mentally to GAL. I'm thinking of being more absent/less available this week. This is the week (and next weekend) that OW doesn't have her kids and is therefore more available to my H. I find these weeks are harder for me to 'forget' about OW-b/c I suspect H is spending alot of time with her. He hasn't mentionned her since texting me he took her to a movie last Sunday. Not sure what this week holds.

Anyway. I did try to convey a warm and loving attitude today. Kept things light. H gave me a hug goodbye.

[peacetoday]

J
Happy Easter
I beleive they feel the guilt on their own
leaving their W
having an A
abandoning the kids
spending
the whole premise about DB-to not guilt them and they will feel it on their own
I would see it in my H facial expressions when he looked at his son 5 years old at that time..a son who was about to get partially abandoned and be raised without a father (except on his 2 hour visits every few days)
our spouses know what they have done is wrong--so guilt has to be a part of it
you seem like you are doing well
its best to not talk about OW( ignore it if he discusses her)change subject
the hurt will subside in timwe
do not discuss D either--change the subject if he brings it up
peace

[kjensen]

Thanks Peace!
I never bring up OW-although thoughts about OW are often running in my head...
I never bring up D, but really my H doesn't either-more the logistics of separation.
I know I don't say things to make H feel bad or guilty unless its the unintentional(rare) zinger..
Had a pleasant text conversation with H tonight-said goodbye first.
I think my overall plan is to be the best friend I can to H without rescuing or mothering or all of that dysfnctional behavior I'm trying to leave behind.
I think being less available is the hardest for me since H still is working out of our home, until he can figure out how to move his business office.
I'm not pursuing, and I am giving H more space. I do invite H to eat with us on occasion so he can feel the sense of family, and the girls seem to enjoy those times.

My dilemma-I asked H to let me know if he planned to continue to see OW/continue the A. I had stated that I didn't feel I could be his friend if he continued A(my setting boundaries), as I didn't feel he would be honest with me. H has not given me and answer one way or the other, although he did take OW to a movie last weekend-and told me.

So I would like opinions/thoughts from one and all...

Since I can't bring up OW/A(the one time I did to see if he'd made a decision he blew up and gave me no answer(which may mean he's continuing A), do I
A)continue the friendship without expectation....OR
B)should I assume(you know what that means!) A is continuing and distance without explanation(which might confuse him since we've been more friendly and spending tme together recently)?