What I see is that H is making an effort. It might be miniscule compared to what you want, but he did try-- "why don't WE go together". Why can't you wait and go with him? I know you are frustrated. But he is trying to reach out to you and if it's not what you want in the form you want, it seems like you won't accept it.
Great news about your dad. That must take a load off of your mind right now.
I have to agree w/T that H is trying. The problem is until he's able to realize his reasons for "needing" work more than he "needs" his family, you'll need to wait it out.
The question is, can you do it? You are frustrated w/good reason. Now the choice comes down to whether or not you can go further b/c no one knows H's time table for reaching his ephipany.
I'm really glad to hear about your dad! And I am really, really glad to hear that you are feeling better about yourself!
I agree about the trip.... if you want to go, I think you should go. He can figure out how to work his schedule, if he wants to. Maybe not this time, maybe not every time. But at least once before he dies.
Hey K.. ditto Jeff!! We are all getting none of it around here.. we should rename this the Celibacy Boards or something.
I can see that you would want to go on your own.. but perhaps you could have said it in a nicer way? Like T said? Or did it just come across as 'flat' and disinterested the way you typed it? Perhaps you could've said, that would have been lovely to all go together, I would really like that, but because I wanted to spend the whole day there, thats just not going to be possible because of yuor work commitments... like, let him know you WANTED him to come, but its his fault he cant ?
But I suspect you didnt want him to come anyway from the way you are describing your NO connection.
Its not just H thats getting the last chance.. you are too, this man may leave your life if you two carry on like this. I still think it sounds like you are freezing him out, becuase you are resentful (like you never really answered me and Michelle as to why you DONT call him and chat.. or why when you see him, you dont make conversation... you just say, you didnt talk... but then is that his fault, yours or just a bit of both??) but as I said before.. I dont blame you that you are.
Just as long as you are ok with the way things are heading...
Ali, when I do call him he can never talk to me.He calls me back. It is weird because we have nothing to say to each other. It's always about our kids, what they did today, what they asked yesterday, nothing else.
I did ask him to meet with me yesterday. I did tell him I wasnt working and he could have come over to sleep here for example. He said he couldnt meet with me in the morning while it turned out he was sleeping... I did say I wanted a coffee and we grabbed one form Starbucks but when we sat down , after 5 minutes he said he needed to go to work. I do ask him questions about his work, the only thing we can talk about. I cant talk to him about how I feel, he immediately sees it as pressure and I am fed up with being the clingy, needy one.
I have tried different things all these months which you all seem to forget. Hugging him, kissing him, calling him etc etc. And I dont think he is trying AT ALL. He is only doing what comes easy to him. What doesnt mess up his schedule. What is convinient. I think you are all wrong and excuse me for saying that. ((T)) I am not wishing for a R with my H, seeing crumbs as something. Crumbs are crumbs. And we are supposed to be IN a relationship. It's not DBing anymore in the sense of what it was a year ago.
We are supposed to be giving our best to fix things, lessen the distance between us, create memories, overcome hurt and pain caused in the past, connect. We are not...wondering what each other wants. We are supposed to want the same thing.
You guys keep telling me to be happy with ...nothing. I am sorry. One thing DBing taught me is not to underestimate myself. And I will not. K
I've just caught up with things and am not entirely sure what to say. I know the point of the boards is to save marriages, but at the same time I do think that DBing is about saving yourself first. I've been thinking this week about your sitch. You've been trying so hard, and your H is giving...... nothing meaningful, after all this time. I know he has issues, but HE is the one who asked for the reconciliation. HE needs to step up here and give you something (even a little something) in return.
Sometimes I read your thread and I wish so hard for you to reconcile, because wouldn't it be great if one of us who started this thing together were to be able to achieve it? I find myself willing him to do something, and am constantly disappointed when he doesn't. It must be a million times worse for you.....
So I guess what I'm saying is that I'm a bit fed up with your H. My instinct tells me that if he really wants the R, he should step up now. He's not doing that. Maybe we can make excuses for him and say he's not in the right frame of mind to do it, needs work as a comfort, needs time to think, etc etc. Or maybe we can say that he doesn't want it enough to do what's necessary. I don't know the answer..... but I do know that life is now.
Thinking of you. How are the kids? How is your Dad? Did you get that message I left for you on Messenger?
Hey My Lady!!! Nice to hear from you! No, I dont think I got your message. Use the email perhaps?
About H, it's all a matter of how you look at things. So far I have been able to look at my kids happiness and have it alter the actual picture of the situation between him and me. But it's becoming less and less possible. The more time we spend like this, the more confident I get I should end this Marriage. And THAT is what sucks. One would think that after getting in touch with each other again, it should be harder to think of the end. Well, it isnt. It is easier.
I am letting it play out because last time we dicussed D I was stressed out. I thought then that the fear of lossing him woke up the last traces of love I have. Now, I am not so sure about it.
Yes it would be prefect to have our family back. It would be amazing if we could love each other again and feel comfortable and loving and caring again. But, it isnt happening. I can stay in this sitch for years, until he probably finds a girl he will fall in love with and leaves, but I dont want to waste precious time hoping and wishing something will eventually change. So far, Ive seen no such intention.
I have to decide he is not what I want and need. I am getting there. Afteral, love is a decision, no? K
That's annoying about Messenger- I found some information from a Canadian clinic on DCA that had treatment/dosing regimens on it that they've tried on their patients. I'll see if I can find it again, but will do that on Monday (the info was at work) and mail you.
I agree that you can't stay in this situation for years, and I'm glad you're getting there with your own decision. Love is indeed, a decision, as they say.
Yes, that was it. There isn't much information out there since this is not a regulated treatment and I think that Toronto information is the best there is. I also asked some of the clinicians I work with, but (since it's not available for use in the UK) none of them had experience to share. Sorry!
from the way you are describing your NO connection.