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A Message from Michele
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Re: What the heck is wrong with me? [Re: dday101798] #1749221
04/09/09 12:01 AM
04/09/09 12:01 AM
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 159
City of Chicago suburbs
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Bliss Offline OP
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Bliss  Offline OP
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Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 159
City of Chicago suburbs
dday101789....I'm so sorry I didn't catch on that you are NOT of the female gender...ugh! Fuzzy brain here! =)

mlh...I can totally relate to the vomiting both you and dday talk about. And I wish there was a pill to take all these feelings away! I don't even know where to begin!

dday...I'm felt so sad when you wrote about stumbling into your STBX with the OM...I think I WOULD vomit!

So the question here is...DO THEY NOT CARE, honestly, for how we feel? Sometimes I want to beg him...how pathetic is THAT? Just typing to you both right now...well, I'm crying. I think my kids think I'm nuts. I wish I could tell them this is normal, but is it?? How long does it take to get over this? Will I ever get over this?

This is what scares me...that I won't get over it.

I'm so sorry...I'm just in a really bad place right now.

Bliss


Me:46 H: 46
DD:22, DS:12
Together since age 16.
Married: 26 years 10-9-08...H filed for D same week as our anniversary.

Dear Lord....Please keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth.
Re: What the heck is wrong with me? [Re: Bliss] #1749223
04/09/09 12:02 AM
04/09/09 12:02 AM
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 159
City of Chicago suburbs
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Bliss Offline OP
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Bliss  Offline OP
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Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 159
City of Chicago suburbs
I forgot to add to you both..thanks so much for the excellent advice. I do need to become self-sufficient. Oh God, where do I start.

I don't know if I can do this.

Bliss


Me:46 H: 46
DD:22, DS:12
Together since age 16.
Married: 26 years 10-9-08...H filed for D same week as our anniversary.

Dear Lord....Please keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth.
Re: What the heck is wrong with me? [Re: Bliss] #1749461
04/09/09 02:06 PM
04/09/09 02:06 PM
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 2,452
Chi-town
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dday101798 Offline
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Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 2,452
Chi-town
Originally Posted By: Bliss
So the question here is...DO THEY NOT CARE, honestly, for how we feel? Sometimes I want to beg him...how pathetic is THAT?


Bliss, in my experience, that's what they thrive on to validate what they are doing is right in their own mind. The more you show emotion, the more it's known you are still stuck.

Let me ask, what have you done for yourself to heal? Have you idnetified the issues you contributed that led to your X walking and the S and D? If so what have you done to remedy?

Hang in there, do some soul searching. You have a lot on your plate in all regards, but to me it sounds like you've either never really done what's asked above or you've reverted back to the depression stage and need to remember or start over.


Me 35/XW 33
S13 & S12
M: 10/17/98
OM & S: 07/08
D final 06/09/09
12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing"
06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10
06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
Re: What the heck is wrong with me? [Re: dday101798] #1749593
04/09/09 05:03 PM
04/09/09 05:03 PM
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 3,622
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AJM Offline
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AJM  Offline
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Posts: 3,622
I totally agree with dday. Showing that kind of emotion validates their belief that they are doing the right thing. It also often lets them feel in control which they crave.

Not letting them feel that way has a totally different effect than you might think. Change your thoughts and see what effect it has.

They do care though. It drives them nuts they care so much. As if they are unable to stop thinking about it is almost a release for them to treat us poorly. Stop that cycle and you'll start to see some different results.

AJ


"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...
"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Re: What the heck is wrong with me? [Re: AJM] #1749618
04/09/09 05:23 PM
04/09/09 05:23 PM
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 2,452
Chi-town
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dday101798 Offline
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dday101798  Offline
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Thanks AJM, I feel so odd being so rapidly tranformed from one of "the lost" to a cheerleader of sorts as it seems lately.

Originally Posted By: AJM
They do care though. It drives them nuts they care so much. As if they are unable to stop thinking about it is almost a release for them to treat us poorly. Stop that cycle and you'll start to see some different results.


You know i still can not answer the question of if they care or not. That quote presents an interesting observation. I'm still not sure of my STBX. Definately stopping the cycle nets results. I just still can't tell if it's results for the better or if she's just trying harder to find new ways to get to me.


Me 35/XW 33
S13 & S12
M: 10/17/98
OM & S: 07/08
D final 06/09/09
12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing"
06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10
06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
Re: What the heck is wrong with me? [Re: dday101798] #1749659
04/09/09 06:06 PM
04/09/09 06:06 PM
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 3,622
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AJM Offline
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AJM  Offline
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Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 3,622
What if it's both?

AJ


"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...
"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Re: What the heck is wrong with me? [Re: AJM] #1749663
04/09/09 06:19 PM
04/09/09 06:19 PM
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 2,452
Chi-town
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dday101798 Offline
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Originally Posted By: AJM
What if it's both?

AJ


Thanks, that clears things up

LOL


Me 35/XW 33
S13 & S12
M: 10/17/98
OM & S: 07/08
D final 06/09/09
12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing"
06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10
06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
Re: What the heck is wrong with me? [Re: dday101798] #1749779
04/09/09 09:30 PM
04/09/09 09:30 PM
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 2,452
Chi-town
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dday101798 Offline
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dday101798  Offline
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Posts: 2,452
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Eeek!

Sorry Bliss, I just noticed your join date is the date my STBX left.


Me 35/XW 33
S13 & S12
M: 10/17/98
OM & S: 07/08
D final 06/09/09
12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing"
06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10
06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
Re: What the heck is wrong with me? [Re: dday101798] #1750012
04/10/09 01:19 PM
04/10/09 01:19 PM
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 3,622
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AJM Offline
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AJM  Offline
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Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 3,622
When she's "trying to get to you." What does that mean? Are you missing her attempts to reconnect? Or do you feel it is malicious?

Makes a HUGE difference.

Figure out what I'm asking when I say "what if it's both" ? I think you'll find that intriguing.

AJ


"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...
"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Re: What the heck is wrong with me? [Re: AJM] #1750058
04/10/09 02:40 PM
04/10/09 02:40 PM
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 2,452
Chi-town
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dday101798 Offline
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dday101798  Offline
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Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 2,452
Chi-town
Malicious, 100% at times. In my case and I can see in others, my STBX thrived off making me miserable. To me thinking in retrospect, it justified everything in her mind. And, it also said to her, that she still had me as an escape route of sorts if all fails with OM, hence, being a safety net.

I've finally identified how to deal with that and not let her do it at all. She's tried repeatedly to use those same tactics that used to work to get me "fired up" and show emotion that I still care for her, but now she's displaying frustration that it doesn't and is trying new ways, new 'buttons'.

I do still care for her, but not at that level anymore. I love the woman with all my heart, don't get me wrong, but now, only as the friend i've lost, and most importantly as the mother of our children. My emotional involvement with her as my wife no longer exists. When I look at my wedding picture every morning and every night I am comforted by the good times we had and leave it at that.

This approach has been an amazing sense of releaf for my self. And, should there ever come a day that there is a chance for anything between us again, I wouldn't be trying to re-live the M we had, and most importantly carrying a hatchet for her leaving me. I've 'buried' that hatchet and forgive her for leaving, I understand why now. I don't belame her. But again in doing so, it frustrates her now that I care not to argue out the fact she left, thus she's not getting that energy from me anymore to feed her own justification.

As far as what if it's both. You'd have to read my current thread in WAW. I have endured so many leaps of faith and gotten my hopes all up when she would talk of a possible reconnection. Reality is, although she left and I accept that, she is with a OM and is "commited" to him (hell they are "engaged" for pete's sake ). I tried so hard each and everytime to believe that what she was saying, how she said she still felt for me was real, but in the end, she would always just head back to OM and not have contact for weeks on end. Thus, once again, I feel she was just feeding the justification. There may have been some truth in what she said, but the end result sepaks for itself.

Sorry Bliss if this kind of "hi-jacks" your thread, but it does relate to your topic. How are you today?

dday


Me 35/XW 33
S13 & S12
M: 10/17/98
OM & S: 07/08
D final 06/09/09
12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing"
06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10
06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
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