Wondering how to handle things

[Sanderika]

kissak,

I said the very same thing....

I would not file for a D because I love my H and it is not what I want. It was my H that eventually filed. After I received the papers I hired a Lawyer. She advised me to counterfile, which I did. The D is not under his sole control that way.

And, it's funny....H filed for a D and then almost immediately didn't want it. I actually do not believe he really wants one. I believe more that the OW is the driver of that car. She would have a cow if she realized that our D schedule was postponed for 6 months because H told the judge he wanted the marriage. Actually it is written as such on the documents the judge signed and returned to each of us. Maybe she will find them in his office some day.

My sitch in a nutshell...

In Oct. '04 my H mother died of cancer. We watched her die for 3 months.

Two weeks before she died my H was burned in a propane explosion
in our camper at a Nascar race.

I firmly believe that these two events threw my H into a MLC as he began to face his own mortality.

Now for my part in the demise of the marriage...I had always worked two jobs. One being my own company with my H which I put in between 40-60 hours a week. And a bookkeeping job for a local contractor on the side which takes an average of 5-6 hours a week.

We also have an Asperger's Syndrome child and frankly my H never really bonded with him.

About two years before my H found the OW, I began a depression. It was triggered by feelings of overwhelm, exhaustion, pity. I of course had no reason to want pity. I had a wonderful husband, a wonderful son, a nice home, a successful company and we were financially in a very good place. For some reason I found myself wanting help from my H but I would turn him away along with anyone else who tried to help me. I began a war of one against the world and I am not quite sure why it all happened to me. The overwhelm and exhaustion could have been cured by quitting a job but I was very stubborn and wouldn't. I actually got to the point where I turned my H down for sex time and time again, which makes me cry hysterically today. I was in a state after my H got burned and my MIL died where I was very difficult. At the end of the day I would go straight to bed and I found I wanted to sleep all the time. At the same time in June of '05 I lost my very dear Aunt Honey to cancer and this took me down very deep.

My H went for a motorcycle ride with a guy friend on 8/7/05 and that is when he met the OW. He dropped the bomb to me he was leaving on 8/16/05 and he left the house slowly and then eventually in September of '05. I did not go with my H that day for the ride because my girlfriend had decided to stay home with their daughter so I decided to stay home with my son. We both thought the guys deserved a guys day out. What a huge mistake.

Now I have always believed that my H must have been unhappy and rightfully so. He probably had emotionally checked out on us some time before he left. I honestly didn't see it coming. I was devastated from the git go.

We worked together at our company until March of '08 when my H through prodding by the OW ousted me from our company and hired her and her best friend to fill my position. I had 25 years invested in this company and was and still am it's CFO and Treasurer. I have done odd work for the company from home and she doesn't know about it.

My H did file for a D on 10/3/08 and on 10/18/08 and since has maintained with me that he doesn't want a D. This is so very confusing to me because he has not gotten rid of her. In fact it appears from time to time that they are nearing a break-up and then like now seem like two peas in a pod together forever.

I have been through more trials and tribulations than I can imagine. This has been the worst experience of my life.

I learned right away to have patience and consideration and forgiveness for my H which I honestly feel is what has held us together this long. I always treat my H well. I can't obviously say the same about him towards me. And that hurts like he!!.

The decision to move forward in this D will not come easily. In fact I dread having to make the decision. I do not feel though that my H is trying to reconcile this marriage and if he is we have two very different ideas on how that is accomplished.

My H has lied to me continuously since finding the OW. I have my ways of finding out truths and I have caught him continuously only without confrontation. I keep a journal and a watchful eye on the company thanks to the internet.

I am actually way ahead of him with my knowledge of his comings and goings. Some call it snooping, I say knowledge is power and one day, if needed, I will use it. It is my hope I do not need to use it and that he will return and honor his admission in court.

I saw a writing once that labeled the basis for GOOD marriage AND the writing used a building or a structure as an analogy:

First, there is the FOUNDATION, which if solid is a good place for a beginning.

Then there are 4 posts holding up the rest.

Each post represents something required for a good marriage.

LOVE

TRUST

FORGIVENESS

COMMITMENT

In my sitch I believe I HAVE Love, Commitment and Forgiveness. I have to admit that trust is questionable.

My H has forgiveness and love only, if I were to answer for him.

I feel we mutually would say we have a foundation.

I truly believe my H loves me.

NOW, without all of the 5 crucial elements in place, a marriage will not be stable and will be compromised, like a structure or building.

Sorry for rambling on you kissak, I do this sometimes.

I will close, it's time to fix supper here.

I will visit again. You and I have a lot in common for sure.

Your new DB friend,

Sanderika

[kissak]

Wow Sanderika, sounds like you have had a rough few years. I can say the last 2 1/2 have been the worst of my life. I just try to think of it as God trying to prepare me for something better, or to teach me patience and understanding...which I seem to have plenty of.

I think the hard part with my H and I is that he and I get along great! We talk more now than we did while we were married, probably even see each other more.

See, about the last 5 years of our marriage he threw himself into the EMS/fire dept. He was there all the time. I guess I should have known something was going on. Of course the day he told me he was leaving I begged him to tell me there was someone else, at the time it would have seemed easier to let him go if there was, but he denied it completely. One week later he was dating a woman from the dept, who coincendently left her H the same day he left me. She was the OW. They both denied anything going on up till then.

He was back and for so many times between me and her that she finally got feed up with it and moved on.

Of course I finally got my H to admit that he did cheat on me with someone while we were married. HE wont tell me who with to this day. I have a feeling who, and I think it was with more than one person.

My H told me about a month ago that he didnt want to come home. He thought long and hard about it, yet 2 days later he was coming back around. Being nosey about me and all.

Its the same cycle and I see it only continuing. He is in counseling once a week. Which I think is good for the most part. We tried MC in the beginning, but only to pacify me...he didnt want it, so therefore it werent going to work.

I know he loves me. It has taken him 2 years to be able to admit that and say it again. I love him too. But I need to get out of this limbo Im in. But I cant bring myself to file for a divorce. It goes against what I believe in.

I do pray to God for his guidance on this.

I know things will work out as they should.

Whatever that will be. Divorced or not.

I can finally say though that I am alot better than I use to be. The pain does pass. It is easier now.

Glad to have a new friend on here.

And Mishka, yes he had lied alot to me about things in our marriage. He still wont admit to alot of things. And Im sure there is lots I dont know about.

He was in the Military for the first year of our marriage....gone alot....so i always have wondered about the things that went on.

But its all in the past.

[Sanderika]

Good Morning kissak,

I mirror your thought that the past 2 1/2 for you and 3 1/2 for me have been the worst years of my life.

When my H left me I did the typical crying and begging, literally on the floor at his feet. I soon realized it was driving him further away. I realized I must look pitiful.

One day two weeks after he left I decided on my own that I would change my life. I now believe it took him leaving me (the kick in the butt) for me to see the downward spiral I was on. I did a 360 in about 30 days and I have not looked back. I changed my thoughts and appearance. I immediately tried to wear a smile instead of a frown. I immediately realized it was easier to be nice to people instead of mean. I liked the changes I was making and that was the motivation for me to continue. I also knew if I had a snowball's chance in he!! to get my H back I needed to change. I saw a doctor and got on meds which I took from September in '05 until May of '06. I have been a new person ever since and I did it alone.

I actually have thanked my H for doing what he did because I know down deep I would not have made any changes without such an awakening trigger.

My H was gone from our lives completely (except I saw him at work) from Sept. '05 until Jan 3, '06. It took him 4 months to come back around and start to notice the changes and admit his part in our separation. I knew the whole time by the way he had found someone else. He did deny it the entire 4 months.

Everytime my H grows distant and there are too many times to count I begin to panic. I always begin to think that he has decided to leave for good. But, he never really is able to leave. He has told me recently that he cannot have a permanent relationship with OW because he cannot get over me. That is where I want to trust him, I am finding it very difficult.

We, like the two of you, get along great. We laugh and have wonderful talks. We have so much in common. I miss him when we are not together. The time has not lessened that for me. I am truly in love with him and do believe we are meant to be together, sole mates if you will. We have always shared so much and have been through so much together even before this all happened. My H is a cancer survivor as well. He got cancer during our 5th year of marriage. I stood by him and do feel I had a great deal to do with his recovery. He has now developed type 2 diabetes and I want to be there for him as much as ever.

Kissak, we knew this would be the most painful journey we would ever embark on. I think neither one of ever realized our H's would be gone so long. I agree we have learned many valuable lessons along the way. I for one would not trade what I have learned. The pain is easier but it never really goes away. Some days are better than others. I have many more good days now than bad. I am not sorry I am a stander.

OH, school just called my son isn't feeling well....got to run.

Take care,

Sanderika

[kissak]

OK...Im just a little ticked off today...

H is always so nosey to my whereabouts...that I asked him what he was doing this afternoon...I got no answer by text. I asked because he said he was going to get our son from me today since he had the day off and I had to work...well, by 1:00 this pm, he was a no show, so I texted him...got no answer. Of course not, he doesnt answer when he doesnt wanna talk to me...

well, finally 2 hours later, the day is half over for me, why come get our son now? He comes by and I asked of course how come he didnt answer?? He replyed he was working on a lawn mower.

Ok, I was just making conversation...whose lawn mower??

He wouldnt tell me. Looked straight at me and said NOTHING!!
Ok...I just replyed "ok sorry, I guess it's not something I need to know".

He said "no, that's not it"

I just looked at him and walked away pissed off cuz He ALWAYS asks me stuff and wants to know. UGH! Then he wants a hug when he takes our son and leaves!! I just walked away. Shaking my head....Now I gotta be all nice to him because he is doing something for me this afternoon that I didnt ask him to do but its saving me lots of money!

I am about ready to go down and file some papers!!

Funny story...my friend got her divorce yesterday. Her H left her for OW, well she of course has waited her year, he served her with papers, and on the day the D was final...he bugs her allll day about it being a mistake! He wants her back!! SHe is telling him NO WAY! Not after her begging him for the past month to leave his OW ! I think that is just the best story for her! It made a difficult day for her just alittle bit more enjoyable!

Hope all of my friends on here have a Happy Easter!!!

[kissak]

Hope everyone had a nice Easter!

Mine started out going downhill fast on Friday.

I accidently ran over my daughter's cat! I felt so horrible because she was with me! I was mad and angry at myself. I mean, I have backed out of that driveway everyday forever and the cats have always moved! But not that day. It was very sad. But we gave it a nice memorial and buried it under a tree in our back yard.

I had to call my H though to come and do it, I think this was our first family pet to pass away. Now, she wants a dog.

My H surprised us all on Sunday by showing up at church! I had no idea he was coming, although I had invited him to dinner that day. He came over and we had a nice dinner with all my family. That was a great day!

Well, that was just a little into my weekend.

[mishka422]

Sounds like a good Easter even considering the bad start to the weekend. So sad to have backed over the cat, but honestly....ummm....hello....large car coming! Get out of the way! Don't feel so bad. You did memorialize the kitty.

Nice that your H showed up to church. I'm sure the kids were happy about that.

[kissak]

thanks Mishka...the kids were very happy to see their dad come to church. I was surprised only because I hadnt asked him to come. Its always an open invitation though.

[kissak]

Well, nothing much going on really. Had a good weekend. Hope everyone else has.

[mishka422]

Hope you have a great week kissak! I'm off to FL later this week for fun, sun, waverunners and lots of good times with my cousins.

[kissak]

Wow Mishka! Florida? Can I go???? I need a vacation! lol....hope you have lots of fun! It's so nice to get out of the normal everyday stuff at home. Take's your mind off stuff.

Im thinking about taking my kids to the NC mountains this summer. My H's parents have a place up there and Im sure they would let me stay with the kids. Its so pretty up there.

Trying to save some money so I can take them somewhere this summer.