Wondering how to handle things

[imLIN]

Kissak...as I see it you keep asking yourself if you can trust him again...you need to ANSWER that question...like I said, what is EVER today may not be later...but it lets you move forward...and put your energy into yourself and your family...you can't keep giving your energy to H...he takes and takes...a quick way to ruin FOREVER is to empty the tank now...

I am serious...I have followed your sitch on and off since you arrived...I believe it is time for you to answer THE question...right now, today, can you EVER trust H again?

If the answer is no, then you need to let it all go...me, I would file the divorce and 180 his butt...he will spin and may even go out of control for a while but it won't be YOUR problem...take back your life...you have given and given...before your empty with nothing to rebuild with later...end it...move on with your life...and let H figure his out...

[mishka422]

True Lin.

Kissak, the control of this sitch is entirely in YOUR hands now. So, take the control and use it to put yourself in the position you want and need to be in. Of course, like Lin says, you have to decide.

I'll share with you how I made my decision. My xh is the one that left, he's the one that filed for D in the first place and then was content to let me hang in limbo forever with no resoution. I asked myself these questions:

1)If he came back to me again (already had twice and left shortly after back to OW), could I really accept that he had changed his heart and was going to give us an honest try? NO. I was sure he would turn tail and run again as soon as something didn't go exactly the way he wanted it.

2)Would I continue to question every word out of his mouth? Even the small things seemed like lies to me now. Would I feel that way forever? YES. He had done so much damage, not only since he left but even before that. My wary heart and head could not accept that he was capable of telling the truth about anything anymore because the lies rolled too easily off his tongue.

That was my thought process and that is the reason that I pushed the D through myself. He was content with the status quo, I felt like I was stuck and tied to an anchor that was weighing me down and slowly drowining me.

So, sink or swim K? You decide.

[imLIN]

Mishka...that is where I see Kissak at...she NEEDS to do something for HER...no one here really wants a divorce...that is why we come here...some are fortunate...I am in that group...but some really NEED to cut the rope before...as you put it...the anchor slowly drowns them...

Kissak needs to really assess the situation...the two questions you asked yourself are exactly what I was getting at for her...they NEED to be answered...and once answered honestly...ACTION NEEDS TO BE TAKEN...it doesn't make you a quitter it makes you a conquerer...you then have the control, the power, and more important YOUR LIFE!

[mishka422]

I like that Lin.....conquerer! Good one!!!!

Kissak, nobody 'wins' in a D, but at some point it becomes nothing but a codependent crutch and not love. Love is a powerful emotion but you have to have love for yourself too. That is how you break the destructive ties you have to your H. Sometimes, breaking that tie is the most loving thing you can do for yourself, your kids, and your H.

[Sanderika]

Hello all....

I am Sanderika....AND I might as well be kissak.

I have been at this since 8/05.

I just read this entire thread and have just burst into tears.

I too should ask myself the same question.

My H has come in and out of my life steady for 3 1/2 years now and I let him because I too am afraid.

We are High School Sweethearts and have now been together for 30 years (minus the last 3 1/2 in his MLC state). My H has maintained a R w/ the same OW.

I CAN live alone and take care of myself, son and home. I have done that. BUT, I love my H and I too want him home. WHY?

Can I trust him again?

He does lie. He keeps lots of secrets about his world while the whole time wanting to know everything about mine just like kissak H.

He filed for a D on Oct 3,'08. 3 weeks later he was hanging around us again. He won't leave me completely. He too is always trying to be physical with me. He does not want me with someone else. In court on 1/20/09 he told the judge he wanted the marriage and would reconcile it within 6 months. Well he is still with OW. He is spending more time with her than us. We maybe see or hear from him once in a 7-18 day period.

I make no contact to H ever, for no reason, ever (including issues about son). It is H who makes contact with us. I feel I am ready for a D because I am so tired. I need to gather the strength myself to just put an end to this charade once and for all. I can bring this back to court before July if I want to. I do not want a D and I do love my H and I feel that alone stops me dead in my tracks from breaking the destructive ties that are holding us together.

Thank you all for this discussion, it has helped me to focus on what needs to be or should be done.

Best wishes to all...

Sanderika

[kissak]

I do not want a D and I do love my H and I feel that alone stops me dead in my tracks from breaking the destructive ties that are holding us together.

I feel the same way.

I know I need to answer my own question. I know its time for an answer. I know what i need to do. But I have to know that I am ready to truly mean it before I do it.

Its all I think about really lately.

Thank you for all your thoughts guys. I truly appreciate them and they have given me lots to think about to help me with this decision.

[imLIN]

Sanderika,

Sorry to hear this...Like you I started dating my H when I was 15 and we married when I was 18...and while we did save our marriage after a 2 year seperation I learned that after a certain point the love I was holding on to was the IDEA of US..I was the one that file for divorce...the first time I chickened out and had him go to court with me to call it off...a few months later with NO contact from him I filed again...because at that time I knew I couldn't trust him...I saw no moves from him to earn that trust and I knew that my love was not enough...and I didn't want to put all of my love into an empty pot.

Long story short...before the next divorce was to be final H moved back to town after he said he would never do that...he said he wanted to be closer to our son...but he started seeing me and taking me out...it was then that I started to see the changes in him...granted I took him back a little too soon...I was able to weather the alcohol rehab and depression (that he was forced to admit to without alcohol) and he got the help he needed...then we were able to rebuild...

I can tell you though, had he not moved back to town, had he not made the effort to love me again I was truly ready to end the whole thing...yes, he was my sweetheart and yes I pictured us forever being partners and being in love...the dream was the hardest thing to give up...but the second time I was ready...

You never know what the H's will do...but I would say with yours having the same OW...for this long...I would call it a day and let him figure it out without me...if it rocks the boat that think will always be in the safe harbor waiting for them then you can always go from there...but it it doesn't...you have your answer and you can move on...find new dreams...build a new life...make your own way...

It is hard to imagine, I know...when you grow up with someone to even imagine that they could ever do this to you...but the reality must be faced...and you need to resolve this within yourself.

Best of all to you...

[Sanderika]

Hi kissak,

I feel you and I are in the same boat.

I completely agree that we have much to think about.

I, like you, think about this all the time.

I also need to know that I am completely emotionally ready to make a decision and hold my ground. It has been a long road and I am much stronger than I was earlier on in this sitch. I feel every day brings me closer to bringing an end to this. My H is certainly incapable of making a decision and sticking with it. I have been the rock he can come back to time and time again when he needs a place of stability or the safe haven from this MLC storm he is over his head in. I am tired.

On many days, I feel a D is the only solution. I feel that will create my H to face his problems once and for all. As long as I am here to lean on when times are roughest for him he has no reasons to make permanent changes. I feel we don't see him when things are going great in his world. This has taken a huge toll on us all, H included. We cannot ever get back the time we have lost and we can never have the same marriage we had before. After all this we are different people now.

If my marriage is not reconciled I don't even think I want a relationship again after all I have been through. This has been the most devastating experience. I have gotten up off the floor only to be knocked back down again so many times I have lost track. There isn't a wife alive who deserves what these husbands have done to us emotionally.

I have until July to make up my mind once and for all what I want to do. I hope 3 months is enough time for me to learn to let go once and for all. In my brain this is the right decision, it's getting my heart to agree.

Take care kissak.....

Sanderika

[kissak]

You know Sanderika, I felt like you have an insight to my life.

And it is hard to be ready emotional to make a decision to divorce or not. I honestly dont think I could file for a divorce right now. I have always said he would have to be the one to do it that I just didnt think I could or should since it's not what I wanted.

But I dont see any reason why I cant move forward anyway. Its not like Im looking to start another relationship with anyone. How can I when I still love my H?

To be honest with myself, I havent truly trusted my H in quite some time. Even when things were going good years ago. I guess I just let things, lies roll off my back. I just didnt want to see things so I ignored them. Pretended like I didnt see them. Or I just believed his explanations.

I guess because I did it for so long, that's why I have such a hard time with "can I live with someone I dont trust?" I did before...I know it probably makes me look weak and all, but Im just trying to figure all of this out in my head. The thing is now I dont think I could let the lies roll off my back. Why could I do it before and not now?

Thanks for posting Sanderika, makes me feel better to know that there is someone else with a H like mine! Sad to think there is more than one of them out there!

[mishka422]

OMG Kissak, I didn't realized he had lied all throughout your M. My xh did the same and coming to the realization that I allowed it in order to keep the peace was the hardest thing I did.

Plain and simple.....these men are broken and need to fix themselves. Until they do, they are no good to anyone at all.