Okay, I'm divorced. XH had an affair and after a year and a half of reconcilliation, I threw in the towel. Couldn't do it. So now I am divorced and hate every minute of being alone. Oh, did I mention, I got engaged to a wonderful man but I had so many issues that our relationship went south. As he said he was a wonderful person but unfortunately, I hated being with him. I wasn't ready.
Anyway, along the way, I lost my job and sold my house. I felt like I was drowning. Fast forward, I have a great job now which I'm grateful, but it's going to take a while before I have my self esteem and confidence back. My ex - well, he lives in a very exclusive part of town, has a new BMW, new boat and back with the bimbo that broke up our marriage. How is that the wrong doer seems to land on their feet, while we the victim, seems to have a dark cloud that wants to follow us around?
Well, I am divorced and I'm trying to be optomistic about my future, but at my age (52), it's scarey.
I remember you some, it's been a while. From what you tell of your life the problem is not what is going on around you (relationship,jobs) the problem is within you. Seems you had at least 2 chances to be happy but that your issues didnt' let you.
Forget about x and what he is doing, I dont' know the whole story but if he's back with her is because he was free to make that choice, you threw in the towel, dont' be angry at him now. You are not a victim, as long as you perceive yourself to be one then there will be always a cloud around you. You are blessed with a new job, and if you were able to get engaged there is no reason why that can't happen again, the thing is you need to work on your issues, mainly letting go of the past and hostility which will erode your soul if you harbor ill thoughts about x, he isnt' the main problem.
Being optimistic is an everyday task, is convincing yourself that you'll do finel...eventually your mind will catch up. Soul search and forgive, I have just realized how harmful it was for me to remember every indignity x put me through when he was cheating on me, remembering just made me angry and bitter, I was teethering myself to him, and that's the last thing I want.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
I am a victim. I didn't asked to be cheated on, I am not the perpetrator, so I must be a victim. I don't dwell on that fact, I've actually accepted it, but it is what it is.
I am trying my best to be optimistic and you're right, it is very hard. But I am a survivor and I will endure. I had two chances to be happy? Hmmmm, happy with someone who cheated and lied to me for a year, then to add insult to injury, stole things that belonged to me when we split up the house? Oh yeah, I should be happy with someone like that. Engaged? Good guy, but even though I had my issues, he certainly had his and together we were poisen and in the big picture, it would have been miserable. I tried to be happy with both, forget about what I wanted and tried to make the other person happy. Well the heck with that! I have decided that no man will ever do that to me again, so for now, I put men away and concentrate on getting myself back on my feet. Yeah, I'm bitter. I gave up my youth, my money, my soul and my heart only to be trampled on. Well, no more. I know that I need to work on getting rid of my anger and bitterness and I'm commited to do it, but it will take some time and I'm not going to beat myself up about my feelings anymore. I've accepted the way that I feel because I need to feel. The only thing I'm doing right now is to allow myself to feel it and then put it away until I feel like I need to revisit it. Hopefully those times will become fewer and fewer. I'm counting on it. So it has been said, time heals all, well its been since 2005 for me and frankly, I'm not much better. Yeah, I don't let it consume me, but it's still a big part of my life and it has forever changed me. I am not longer confident, don't have the self-esteem I once had and certainly don't trust a whole lot anymore. It's awful for a person to suck the life out of someone. I'm working on all of this and it will be hard for me, but I will be damned if I let my emotions get the best of me. I'll continue to do what I'm doing until I can truly tell myself "enough is enough" I'm just not there yet.
Ok, so I see that during the reconciliation part he was cheating (didnt' know that, sounded different on your first post) that's another ball of wax, since I've btdt I understand where you are coming from. So it was for the best that the engagement was called off if you felt you were just -yet again- trying to please someone at your expense.
Not all men are like the lying weasels our xs are hon, I haven't meat one yet, ha ha, but there is still good people out there, dont' let that dork rob you of that knowledge. Trust will come back, bit by bit. Our emotions tend to hijack our brains now and then, but as it happens it's good to realize "hey, I'm feeling down today, but that's ok". We can't be strong forever, just keep in the back of your mind that you will rise up stronger, I know you will.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Oh my goodness, lady.. Why take a shower of bitterness, anger every day?
Did you ever read "Not JUST Friends"? That changed my perspective on ex's affair. In one section it speaks about forgiveness, that forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. Why? Because bitterness, which is pain in another form, can wreak more havoc than your ex-spouse's actions.
What he did hurt deeply. What you're doing now is going deeper and farther than any of his actions ever could. It doesn't hurt him that you're in misery. It might even make him feel better (if you even happen to cross his thoughts). Just remember, you're giving him prime real estate in your mind. Is that what's best for you?
I often thought of Katrina victims. They had no clue that their homes, city would be so deeply destroyed, wiped out. Now their situation really sucked. I looked at mine.. I have my health, my children, my family. I lost the lifestyle I once had but what I have is mine. Stuff, material possessions, are just that.. stuff. What is important is what's intrinsic, what's within you.. your love, your goodness, your smile, how you care and give. Dust off your sunshine for a day or two. Give yourself a sponge bath of happiness in between those angry showers and compare the difference.
Gwyn, I totally agree with Gypsy. You're only a victim if you believe that you are. That thought can hold you back.
You are very much still in the anger phase. I always likened the process of grieving a divorce to the process of grieving a death. There are some very similar patterns to both. And it is a death, even if it isn't a physical one. The "death" of a relationship is very difficult and takes time to recover. It almost sounds like your engagement was just a tactic to stop feeling bad about your divorce instead of really wanting to be available emotionally for someone else.
You are still processing a lot, and it takes time to heal. You are struggling. Focus on yourself and emphasize what is good about you, to yourself!
Been there, done that, D'd in 2003 after nearly 25 years of marriage. Getting happier each day that passes, too. Give yourself time!
While I was in Iraq, I saw a TV news segemnt on a woman who survived the holocaust, and totally forgave her captures to as she said "Make sure I didn't live my life as a victim". It's NOT easy, but you know what? "Good things cannot continue to happen to bad people".....like your XH and his paramour. Karma is a powerful force.
You seemed to have found another guy quite quickly. I'm sure another one will come, but you need to do a lot of recovery and repair! Most of us on this board have been residents of the "Island of Misfit Toys" at one point, but everyone I read has gotten so much better over time, INCLUDING ME! I was a basket case in 2005. Even spent some time in the "Silly Hospital" because I was so distraught. Yes, time (and the wonderful people on this board) are great resources!
Thanks all. I know you mean well. First, I have to clear up something. I don't know if my x was cheating on me while we were reconciling, but looking back, he had to of. He told me that he didn't know where the OW was, nor had he heard from her and didn't know how to get in touch with her. He also said he would never, even if our marriage broke up, want to see her again. Divorced, and lo and behold they're back together. She was here the whole time. (she had supposedly moved to the other side of the US). It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure that one out.
Yeah, I know I'm still in the anger phase. You know the story from rags to riches, well, I'm the opposite. Only because I put my heart and my trust in men, marriage and the sanctity of marriage and in the end, I got screwed.
I did get into a relationship really quickly, I thought I was ready, but looking back, I was overwhelmed with life problems and I had very poor coping skills and my anger was transferred to my fiance. He had enough and pretty much threw me to the curb. That was another blow to my ego, deserved, but on my butt for the 3rd time. When does it stop?
I know I need to recover from all of this, but I really don't know how. I don't even know what I want at this point. I don't trust my judgment and I honestly can say, I don't know what "I" want! And, I don't know how to fix that!
