Need Help handling affair thats still going on

[peacetoday]

K
Each mlcer is somewhat the same and a little different
Many of them say they want a D and never file
Mine said our M was over but htere was no need to D
I tole him to file after 18 months of this
he filed
they think M is over..they all believe that
I think a lot of them think the OW is their soulmate or someone significant atleast in the begiining
most of these A do not last..some do but most do not
still the mlcwer may not return after A is over
I think they waffle, but the pull is so strong into the tunnel and away from us, they have to go
they Lie all the time
my lied and continues to lie ablout evertything
he lies to kids too
he used to have more integrity before MLC
I think seperating the assets is a good idea
do hatever to protect yourself
they are very secretive about OW
Mine LIed about her for 20 months or so till I found an aprtment lease and credit card statements
They do create their own realilty ..they change History
If I confront my H
He would say, it wasnt an affair
they M was over long ago
we went to therapy for many years
this is how he changed history
I finally boxed up all his clothes..It is in garage
he still has not taken them
when he moved out, he put some clothes in white plastic bags
he never took anything else from the house
except for a few pictures of kids
I believe MLC is a form of mental illness
peace

[MrNiceGuy]

I have definitely witnessed the scripted "rewriting of history", lying, justifying, and lying to friends about me to justify WAS position.

W is still waiting for OM to leave his W, so God only knows how long that process will take. I also agree that WAS may not return after A because they've rewritten reality as they know it.

In my situation, I chose to move out to an apartment so that WAS could come back to house from a hotel. This gave me a chance to re-establish my own independence. Two things I've observed: (1) I packed up and moved all of my belongings to storage, but most of my clothes I chose to no longer wear, buying new clothes that I picked out myself; (2) W emptied the house of all photos, bought a bunch of new clothes for herself, and repainted the master bedroom.

I've heard before that following a breakup women do things like cut their hair as a symbolic breaking ties gesture for themselves. I think my W's actions with the house are similar. Thoughts?

[kjensen]

Hi AzDad,
Well my H didn't do any dramatic changes before or after leaving that were physical. He has lost weight(and doens't have any to lose)-not sure if its from grief, depression or the fact that his OW is an exercise fantatic. I don't think my H follows all of the typical MLC behavior-he is very careful with our money, although he did spend alot out of his business. But he is frugal.
As I've been processing things here at home, I have moved pictures around and furniture just a bit. I have bought new clothes,mostly b/c all of my old ones became too big(I've lost 18 lbs in 3 mos. through not eating/grief and starting to exercise more regularly). I am trying to keep up my appearance, but no dramatic change.

Sounds like your wife may be trying to change her persona via appearance. Did she feel stuck in a rut prior to this? If she is truly in a MLC then the appearance change would make sense-going through a "teenage" period where you try out diffferent looks/behaviors...

[kjensen]

So H sent me a long heart-felt email. Sorry for all the difficulty the last few months. Says he doesn't feel comfortable in our home, doesn't feel he belongs in our home. He is actively looking for another place tolive once his lease for the apartment is up in July. He doesn't know how to talk to me anymore. He's not proud of his behaviors but not ashamed of his feelngs. Doesn't feel like talking directly today-just via email.

I don't know if this is a backslide-since I feel if he makes the effort to dialogue I should reciprocate. I can distance after..I do feel the empathy/caring for him seeing him suffer and I do feel it sucking me back in, but I am remaining calm and distant so far.
I emailed him lots of "i feel" and "I think" statements. Just stated my boundary about needing honesty to maintain friendship. Telling him I didn't think I could be his friend when he is with the OW, as he won't be honest with me then..I stated I could listen without judgement. I shared my opinion that the detachment he feels, the barriers he's put up between us are the cause of him not being comfortable in our home. If there was openness he'd feel at home here. I think I shared everything very calmly with good, non-blaming words, took responsibility for my part in getting us whre we are..Will probably be the last full-blown sharing for awhile...
He didn't mention OW in his email, but I think I know more than he's shared...I doubt he'll be able to open up with me, but it was worth one last shot.

[MrNiceGuy]

My WAW lost several pounds also. It is stressful for both parties, although my case and my understanding is that the LBS loses the most weight. I, too, have been shopping for new clothes that fit better --- it feels great, actually. :-)

[kjensen]

Losing the weight is one small plus in this crappy situation! Getting stronger and more fit does feel good. My H, who complained I wasn't active enough-he wanted an active lifestyle(and his OW is a triathlete), stopped working out for most of the last 3 months. He seems to be picking up though which is why I think the A still continues.

[dl443322]

Hey K, I think next time you need to keep it short and do not talk about your R. You have told him before that you cant be his friend if he is with ow, so now you dont need to say it again, ok?

When you are in contact with him, and it really should only be for emergencies, try to validate his feelings. He is not hearing you when you explain things like his feeling barriers.

Remember to take care of you. Move forward with your life.

Hang in there.

[peacetoday]

They do not hear us
only intio themselves now\If he shares with you again via email
you can simply mirror back what he said
I hear you are not comfortable here
ect...
thanks for being open with your feelings ect..I appreciate your honesty and apology
remember this is not a real R anymore..he will not hear you

the weight ios a plus
just make sure you are eating a drinking water
take care of you
peace

[kjensen]

H texted me late last night. He let me know he had gone to a movie w/OW-which I texted back that I appreciated (b/c he's not keeping it secret.) He said he didn't think he wanted to make a life with OW. He said my email hurt him. When I talked to him(b/c my texting is slow and I was asleep)- he said he'd read email fast and thought I was using loaded words(hiding, lies)..I did make a big effort to use "I feel" statements which I let him know. he said he'd re-read it in the AM. He says he feels like the only one to take care of him is himself and so he's trying to pull himself up by his bootstraps and take care of himself(hence the looking for bigger apartment so he can have our girls stay over)
He can't see a future for us with all the hurt these past few months, but he agrees that he is conflicted.
He is open to talking today at lunch. I think I'll do as you suggest BG and be upbeat, no R talk frm me-if he initiates I'll do active listening and validation.

Ok advice needed:..Is this the MLC stage of replay possible changing to withdrawal?
Since a big issue in his email was him not feeling comfortable in our home, not seeing it as our home anymore, I'm wondering if he was trying to..I hope he talks this over with his therapist, as I truly feel its an issue with him, and nothing the rest of us are doing.
Input greatly appreciated!

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Ok advice needed:..Is this the MLC stage of replay possible changing to withdrawal?

BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM!!!

I just shot the stages down. : ) That's my advice. The stages will screw you up, it is what it is. The stages bounce, and bounce and bounce and it doesn't matter what stage they are in until the end. It only matters in how you deal with them, "could it be that he is entering"...yes. He could get a coke on the way home tonight too. : )

He can't see a future for us with all the hurt these past few months,

Whenever they say this stuff I always think that they say it because THEY couldn't do it in your shoes. That they are convince we are unable to forgive. And that is why I say if you cannot forgive them then don't bother DBing. If you can do this, you have to make him understand that YOU are capable ogf getting past the this, but that it will take work on both your parts. It won't be easy but it is unfair him him to assume that you are unable to this because he doesn't think you can. : )