Need Help handling affair thats still going on

[25yearsmlc]

I honestly cannot see a downside to having zero expectations of him at this point (other than treating you with respect in front of the kids). Expect NOTHING else from him. Someday, if nothing happens, it won't be enough for you and you'll move on. Or something will happen, and we'll cross that bridge when you get to it.

So zone out from him, begin to GAL, be that woman we spoke of and take care of yourself...

(( j ))

[25yearsmlc]

PS

stop worrying about what it means re: OW, if he has a day or evening available. Expect nothing, ASSUME NOTHING....who cares? WHY THINK OF THEM AT ALL EVER?

what good can that do you to think about them in any positive light? ("Gee, bet they're having GREAT sex with endless climaxes and doing it over and over ALL WHILE MOCKING ME....yeah, sure, that's realistic AND does THAT feel good to you to think that way? Nope, thought NOT). Anything good coming from those thought patterns??

so, assume nothing...fill your mind with OTHER thoughts and GAL and your kids and you job and YOUR STUFF...

((( j )))

[kjensen]

Haven't done so good about distancing b/c H will email me about something to do with kids schedules this weekend(they are so busy!) then I respond, then he does...I did see him at lunch today b/c I had to get the groceeries before the blizzard hits tonight. He had printed out his business checking records b/c he thought I'd want to see them(which I had, but it was nice he did it without my asking). It seems in a small way he's trying to rebuild trust..maybe.. He hasn't mentionned if he's continuing A...I get a sense that this week he didn't see her much if at all... but who knows.
He's still a bit distant himself and I find myself wanting to pursue(DARNIT!) but I am trying my best to remain distant too. I'm on-call this weekend working a bit so hopefully that and the weather will keep me preoccupied. I was doing so good for two whole days-distant/no expectations..its amazing how easily you can fall back into bad habits/behaviors... Reading an interesting book- The Ten Second Miracle- anyone heard of it?

[peacetoday]

K
You are doing great
everyday that you can work on you
and keep expectations low and let H go is a great day
we are learning many new behaviors through this
and we willreap the rewards of growth and deeper understanding through it
It was nice that your H wanted you to see the business records
sometimes I see my H trying to do little things involving money and our business..to show me he is trustworthy
But since my XH blew our business into the ground and I am still paying catchup..I can not trust him although I take his trying to do the right thing as a good thing for his growth
peace

[kjensen]

Peace-
I think I'm still pretty weak and somewhat obesessed periodically with the OW/A. I texted H tonight to see if storm had hit his area of town yet and got no response. He'd been texing D13 not long before..Makes me think he's with the OW and I'm realy tempted to find out if my worst fears are correct. Kind of torn right now. I realized the business account he showed me doesn't tell me much-its his business credit card that he was using for OW... I want to be strong and distant, but my hopes did lighten a little over the last two days of pleasant interacting. I know its a rollercoaster and I should expect coldness/distance soon...this really sucks doesn't it!? I don't know how everyone has been so strong for months and years when I'm ready to tear my hair out after 3 months.
Is it worse in the beginning when you are absorbing all of this rewriting of history and "i've never loved you" stuff and reeling from the "bombs"?

[Concerned_Listener]

Peace-
I think I'm still pretty weak and somewhat obesessed periodically with the OW/A.I don't know how everyone has been so strong for months and years when I'm ready to tear my hair out after 3 months.
Is it worse in the beginning when you are absorbing all of this rewriting of history and "i've never loved you" stuff and reeling from the "bombs"?

KJ,
You're judging yourself too harshly. Let yourself be human. You mentioned the natural emotional response to this type of crisis in the books you read. You're not going to go from crisis to acceptance, just like that.

Let yourself be imperfect, human, and emotional. You have control over the self-critical, judging piece. You're adding to your own suffering.

Be patient with yourself. It takes time and practice to be skilled at dealing with this type of problem.

You're taking steps in the right direction. You're practicing new skllls, behaviors and concepts at this time. You will become more skilled at this.

CL

[peacetoday]

K
CL is right on
It is definitely so much Harder in the start of this
all this new information
after 2 years of this, I didint know about OW..my choice- I didnt snoop..but I suspected
but
it still hurt so much when I fopund out H was living with her foe 1.8 months and the A srarted while H was still homwe and sleeping with me
Its painful
but now it is easier..we LBS are resilent and you will be ok
you are string and smart
I totally unsersatnd how hard it is to be distant also
and I chose to not be distant for the first year and only when dim sporactically till a few months ago
I neede to keep the connection for me
I dont know if it is right to do according to DB and eavh person has to choose
just from experience , the crises has to ride out and it takes amny years even for those mlcers who seem to reconect with spouse they are struggling recommitting after 2-3 years
so plan on a while here
make your life as it would be without M
start over
new hoobies, new friends, new clothes
better R with kids, therapy learn to dance
practice giving H space..no presuure- validate him
meditate -trust God
peace

[kjensen]

Thanks for the words of encouragement! I definitely can use them. My H's friend(he and his family were close friends of ours for several years) left me a message to call him. He hadn't seen my H in about a month and wanted to know how things were going before he saw H. He knows the OW-as they all work out at the same place and he filled in a few details for me. I guess the Ow has only been divorced for a year or so. She is obsessed with working out, wears skimpy outfits, fake boobs, big tattoo(no judgement-just facts)-totally what I would suppose my"teenage" H would be attracted to-so not like me.
I guess this OW had approached both my H and our friend about working out together...Obviously she(and my H) crossed the line/wall of marriage. Our friend thinks my H actually may see a future with the OW(news to me)but they have had some fights and when they fight she scares my H...Their politics are completely at odds as are their parenting values. I found out more details that my H shared with our friend so that I know my H is still giving me only half truths. I believe he is still working out at the expensive gym (that I think she must belong to-although when questionned he denies) even though he stopped his membership(couldn't afford it). Says they had an open house last weekend..but was on their website a few days ago.
So my anger is up. I feel that my boundary about lying is solid. I really don't have much to say to H as long as he lies to me. I really don't want him as my H if he continues to lie. I love him dearly but he so messed up at this point, and the OW with her own agenda seems to just be worsening/lengthening the process he's going through.
I think I understand that the lying and secretiveness(as well as the A) is part of the "teenage" thing MLCers go through, but is it in the Depression phase or the Replay stage,both or all stages??
If a person is depressed before they start a full-blown MLC-does that change the stages they go through? Just trying to wrap my head around the process so I can understand and remain distant.

I am focused on me. I'm working out, reading, journaling, going to bookclub. I plan to take a few cooking classes and maybe some yoga. At some point I think I'll start separating our assets, but don't want to hit him when he is down so to speak..so I'm willing to let more time pass to see where we are.
Its hard to see someone you love and have loved for almost half your life make such a mess of their and your family's lives.
Its hard to see them struggle and learn through making the stupidest choices you can imagine as their only way to learn. I've always had a hard time letting go/saying goodbye and this is the ultimate test for me.
My H was supposed to go with me on a work conference trip over Mother's day weekend(tickets he bought for he and OW were changed to me and H)-not sure if he will-we haven't talked about it. We are also supposed to go to a group communication class for 6 weeks starting 4/21-he hasn't mentionned that either.

I plan to remain as dim as I can for the next few weeks...
Any thoughts or helpful ideas?

[mdoodles]

i wish i could offer some advice. i have been at this 2 1/2 years and we are at a critical point and it is just too hard to make the final break and say goodbye. i know how u feel. i dont know when its enough and if i say im done, i dont know how to really mean it. sorry i cant be more help.

[kjensen]

OK more news from our mutual friend mentionned above. My H told him he was pretty sure of his decision (D-ing me). He mentionned that tere is a 60 or 90 da window after you file where nothing happens-anyone know about this-is this a good thing? He asked if he could bring the OW on a camping trip to Moab with his faily that my H had been invited to(they said no-what is he thinking-we are married, our friend's kids will be there!!) H told both the friend and I that he had asked our girls if they wanted to go and they weren't too interested(he never mentionned Moab to the girls!).
Is it normal for the MLCer to create a web of lies for no reason?
Do they create their own warped reality and actually believe it?

Here's my [tentative]plan-please advise any and all:
I'm going to ask H to separate our bank accounts with me on Monday(goodbye savings-at least his portion!)
I'm going to ask that he works from his apartment-not our home.
I'm going to box up any belongings he's left here-so he can have them.
I will start separating our other accounts(put the electricity in my name/netflix etc)

Do you think this is too strong a move? Will it backfire and make him more attached to the OW? Is he still waffling and the D talk (to his friend-still no mention at all to me)is just a waffle and he'll change back soon? When do you know to take all of this seriously?
He still hasn't told his parents that we are separated. His OW recently divorced and I'm pretty sure she's giving him info on how to do it and what to expect...