Healing from a lifetime of self-deprecation

[Flicka]

Tom... are you alright? You are not living in "tent city", right?

[still hopeful]

Hello there, Flicka Love,

I am fine. Thanks for asking. Just been doing required stuff, plus my son has been sick for over a week. I think he simply has a bad cold, but XW thinks it's something else. We're taking him to urgent care this evening to see which of us is correct. We'll see.

The past two weeks I've spent a good deal of time with XW and our children so, it's all good errr...basically the same as it ever was. I'm focusing on me and what I need to be doing. I've had two interviews in the last two weeks, but no offers. I'll keep pluggin' along because (1) I'm not employed yet, and (2) no one is knocking on m forehead to tell me that they understand that I am the fabulous new person they are looking for to fill a business need.

Thanks for checkin in with me. I'll go back to posting more regularly, but since not much is happening, they'll be mini-posts.

[Flicka]

Is your little feller feeling better? Did he have something more going on?

Tom, I am glad you had interviews. These are troubled times and persistence is needed. You seem more calm. I bet you are doing well with your family. It seems W is accepting the situation and appreciating your help.

Could you free-lance doing apartment refurbishing? You could start your own business sub-contracting those kinds of services... I heard someone on the radio telling how she did that. I am certain that you are a good manager, but I know you are a hard worker and could do it all.

Keep the faith.

[Flicka]

Hopeful Husband, AKA, as Tom, Slightly Hopeful. How are you? I never dreamed that I would be longing for one of your too wordy descriptions of your world and your eccentric relationship with wifey.

Tom, you are pretty good. You are so protective of your children. You are, right?

I am wondering whether you are 'straight'? Are you getting through all this 'intimacy' and 'dependency' crud without resorting to Corona Light? Are you?

Love,
Flicka

[still hopeful]

Easy there, Flicka, my love. My handle is STILL, not slightly hopeful.

I'm good. My children are still beautiful and perfect, and yes, I am still very protective of them.

I am 'straight', in every sense of the word. I am working my way through my 'intimacy' and 'dependency' crud without self-medicating in any way. I'm not much of a drinker since XW and I split, so that hasn't been a problem...got crowded out by all of me other coping issues, I guess. Heh.

Sunday was my 43rd birthday and I spent the majority of the day with my prince and princess. Absolutely wonderful way to enjoy my birthday. Last night, I spent with them again, and XW some when she returned from work. You mad me laugh the other day when you said:

You have a better relationship, day to day, with your chosen wife than I have with my H.

Eccentric our relationship IS, but we both have individual quirks to work through before we'll be able to work on reconciling and strengthening our relationship/marriage. Most importantly though, I know that we still have the sliver of hope shining in on the darkness of the past 3 years because I haven't given up; because I've DBed in my less-than-orthodox way. I've had every opportunity to kill my DB efforts and any hope of reconciling for over 3 years with a W/XW who told me from day 1 that NO hope for reconciliation existed.

We haven't moved markedly from where we were in the beginning, but she no longer tells me that we have NO hope of reconciling. We spend time together, which most people don't understand, having a good time and enjoying each others company. Since I'm not wealthy, our relationship would be characterized more as crazy than eccentric. What I get to do is show her that I'm a changed and changing man whenever I am afforded the opportunity to be with her. So, I put forth my best effort to be the better man that I've been working to become, and I know she sees; she watches everything that I do and notices even the slightest changes.

I love my XW. I very much want to have the opportunity to reconcile, but I am keeping my emotional cool and not acting needy, which is true because I don't need to reconcile with her; I want to. In the meantime, I will watch out for and over my children and be the best father that I am able to be in this less than ideal time of all of our lives.

How's that for verbosity, dearest Flicka. And remember, STILL hopeful, not slightly hopeful. Quit pokin' at me. I haven't changed my goal. Just going at it from a little different tack. I can see the end zone now, but it's still a long way off.

[still hopeful]

Hello,

It's been over a week since my last post and my personal life hasn't changed much. My children are still beautiful and perfect. I'm still searching for employment. My sitch is mostly the same, but I decided to take some action because, after 3 years of living my life in pause, I needed to move forward.

During the past 3 years, I feel like I've given a one-sided view of my situation; as though I'm not getting 'anything' from my XW and the situation I've chosen to continue to engage in. I've had some friends recently open my eyes to a different vantage point from which to view my present and ongoing situation with my XW. One of those, was the thought that I was being disrespectful in my desire for and pursuit of reconciliation with XW, because I didn't honor her clean, demonstrable, and definitive decision to end everything though her unmistakable, clear decision to file for, pursue, and obtain a divorce from me. I was asked to be open to the possibility that what I have been doing hasn't been a act of love for her, but a desire for control; over my life, over this situation and over her. I've given that a great deal of thought and I can see that there is certainly an element of a desire for control in all of my actions. That I can't deny, but I love my wife dearly and very much wish to have the opportunity to make our troubled relationship right. I don't know. I've been stuck for so long.

As far as my XW goes, she has allowed me to stay close to her which met my need. She is mostly kind and encouraged to me. She shows me and tells me that she loves me. My issue is that I've been so focused on my end goal, that I'm dissatisfied with everything short of reaching it, instead of celebrating the fact that I still see a ray of hope. Sadly though, I often wonder (although I don't really wonder) if the only one seeing any hope is me.

I've come to the conclusion that I needed to do something, both demonstrable and definitive, to get myself moving out of the valley in which I've chosen to set up camp, rather than journey through. In choosing to be stuck in my situation with XW, I've inadvertently chosen to be stuck everywhere in my life. THAT has been the reason that I decided to TAKE ACTION.

On Saturday, I made the decision to have THE 'R' TALK with XW, because I'm no longer afraid of an answer that I may not like. Part of my issue is that I didn't respect her answer when she divorced me. Another part is that because I didn't respect her answer and remained in her life in the capacity in which I have, she hasn't been able to move forward in a real and definitive sense. What hasn't helped my mental state is that we have had numerous conversations about our feelings, but not really having the "R" discussion, and those conversation directly kept me firmly rooted in our sitch which I rationally do NOT want; at least don't want permanently, anyway. I also decided that THE TALK needed to be face-to-face, and without the possibility of the children interrupting. On Sunday, I went to her house after I attended church because XW said she needed to go into work. I was excited to go and see my S3, so I went there with my own added bonus of meeting my need to 'take care of' her needs. More on that in a bit. I arrived at her invitation, thinking she was going to head out (the purpose of my visit). Well, she, in fact, didn't head out. She stayed in bed not feeling well, and I took care of her needs again. She never really did get out of bed, and I didn't force the THE TALK on her, but I did ask her if we could talk the next evening when the children were down for the night, and she agreed without asking what it was all about.

Monday evening, we did get a chance to talk and I was definitive in what I said to her. I told her that I loved her and I wanted to be with her. I told her I couldn't imagine living my life without her and very much wanted the opportunity to reconcile our relationship and be able to remarry and move forward together. I told her that I had been living my life in pause, hoping for some positive movement between us. Mostly she just sat and listened and quietly cried. When she did respond, she began by making counterpoints of what about all that she'd gone through? I responded by validating her thoughts and feelings. I continued on that I needed to move forward because I had reached a fork in the road in my life, but they both involved moving forward. I told her that I want to move forward with her in a closer and more substantial capacity in my life than she has been, but if she couldn't/wouldn't, that I'll be moving forward regardless. No real response, except to make it clear that she either doesn't have the ability to forgive me and let go of the hurt/harm or she has not desire to do so. I told her that by no giving me a decision, she was giving me her decision. She insisted she wasn't. She also said, "You don't have the power, in this situation." As I made my way to leave, I shook my head gently and said, "You'll see the power I do have", and I left.

Tuesday evening, she and I were together again, as I picked up our children from school for her. When she got there, we spoke a little and she asked me, "Is there anything else you wanted to talk about?" I said yes, thank you for talking to me last night and I'm REALLY sad. She went out front, and when I followed I told her that I had to go.She asked me, sounding surprised, you're leaving? I said, yeah I gotta go and took off. Her surprise, I'm sure, was because in recent past, I'd always jumped at the opportunity to be in her presence. *****I do not want to hurt her. I just know that I need to safeguard my heart.*****

Wednesday I received a call to pick up our children again. My pattern has been to do her whatever favor she asks of me. She needed to work late again last night. I didn't bother her by calling but finally did call her to check on her at 11:20pm. She arrived back about 12:30am. XW said she needed to go back in to work at 6:30am and asked me to stay (on the couch). I thought about it and decided that I should go. Sadly, I was so tired, I turned off my alarm and woke up 45 minutes after I was supposed to be there. THAT makes me sad. I hate failing in a task, especially when I committed to doing something for her. I tried to reach her by phone, but couldn't and sent an e-mail apology instead. Since I hate leaving a message or sending an e-mail apology, I've continued to try to reach her by phone. I received a response to my email which said to please stop calling because she wouldn't be available 'til the end of the day. More sadness.

Anyway, I've recently had light shed on the possibility that XW calls me for needs as her way to keep me connected; so I won't disconnect and go away. And I eat up her 'need' for me because it satisfies my need to feel needed by her and connected to her. Pretty much all of our interaction is unhealthy for BOTH of us. I don't KNOW what the right answers are in my situation, but I do know what I FEEL. I feel like I want and need to reconcile with my wife, but I am seriously confused about the reasons as to WHY? Is it simply control? Is it about my need to win. Is it about my need to be right and prove others wrong? I don't know, and I need to know.

That's why I had THE TALK with XW, although we've talked every day since then. I know I don't want to hurt her anymore than I already have. I know I want us both to be happy. I know I need to move myself forward mentally, to get out of my valley campground.

Thank you in advance for any thoughts offered.

[still hopeful]

Something I've learned, as I begin letting go and moving forward is that I'm not finding any immediate relief from my beginning movements. I do trust though, that the fact that I have started moving, and intend to continue moving forward, will eventually bring me to a please of peace, satisfaction, fulfillment, happiness, and yes, even love, that would never have come had I simply stayed in my stagnant state.

I don't know if my decision to force movement in my situation is going to bring about positive and productive change in my sitch, but I am confident it be be positive and productive because I've made the decision to value myself and my life, and to live it ACTIVELY as the leading man, rather than PASSIVELY as a background extra. Time will tell. My decision making has kept things alive in my sitch thus far, albeit barely, so I hope that this decision brings about reconciliation after three years.

I'm finally on board with what Phoenixdeux advised awhile back, to let go and look at my XW as my EX-wife. I'm finally able to do this because I'm not afraid of what seems to be the likely end of my run. Either way, I know I deserve love and happiness together, and I haven't had that in a long, long time.

[frank_D]

I have the same problem. And I'm in the same place. Letting go of CONTROL of another person. It's hard when it's the way you've lived your life.

[still hopeful]

Frank,

I am certainly with you there, my good brother. It's a journey and my talks with you have helped me to realize that I am where I still am because this is exactly where I've wanted and chosen to be. THAT realization alone is helpful in moving to a new place of NOT blame-shifting onto my XW, but it's no less painful than not knowing that truth.

It's a process of which I'm NOT in control. My only hope for control ('command' is a better word here) is over my own emotions and perceptions over what has already happened, what IS happening, and what my vision for MY future with my children is.

I read so many posts here and I see my story told in so many ways on the different threads. The common themes that I identify with are the three key elements for a successful marriage, that are REQUIRED from and in both partners, that were missing in my marriage, which are: 1) an undying commitment to make the marriage successfully last; 2) regular, open communication about ALL important marital issues, positive, neutral, and negative; and 3) complete honesty, wrapped in tact, thoughtfulness and love.

But hey, those are just the thoughts of a man who's learned a ton from his mistakes, failed marriage, and broken family. Take it for what it's worth. I've been in the valley for three long years and I know that I want and deserve better. I want and deserve the love of a compatible, nurturing partner. I am stiving to be the man that God intended me to be, even before the first day. Goodspeed to me, my XW and mine while I climb the mountain of God.

[faithisbelieving]

Dear SH....I read your post and find it a powerful one indeed. There is nothing I can add here as you seem to have a good handle on what is going on. To a newbie here, the letter would be seen as a wonderful expression of love and standing. In some ways, it is still pursuit and pressure. But...I am not criticizing you.

I think that you waited....and picked an appropriate time to take a risk...a last chance attempt to recover what you had. Sadly, many of our W's who make that decision simply cannot turn that 'off'. Whether it be pride, losing face or just long-term hurt....they hold onto that decision. Try to forgive yourself for whatever ills you blame yourself for and release any self-blame or self-victimization.

In the midst of a nasty divorce, I may not be the right person to be posting advice here. I can say that there are many times that I wonder...wonder...what would happen if tried your route one more time...but...I have....many times over and over and met the same obstacles.

Only you can know what is best for you. From the tone and content of your letter, it sounds as if it is time to totally let go and try to regain some semblance of a normal life. It is time to enjoy living again. I WILL say though, that, in so doing, I think it is your best chance at reconciling with her. At this point, she would have to find out on her own that she is going to lose forever..that man...who wrote that letter above. Whatever happens, you'll be OK. Find some solace in knowing that the content of your heart.....is overflowing.

Stay strong and know that...even where I am today...I become better and stronger by reading the efforts of men such as yourself.

G-d bless.

FIB