So, now I am wondering. Is "making it right", whether consciously or subconsciously, in your adult life OK on some level? Or, is it a part of you that you have to "let go" of and strive to not let it make a bit of difference as a grown up (sort of like having the part of your brain that houses the experience and associated trauma removed)?
Yes to each, in a sense. What my wife and I are in the process of doing is -reconditioning- what are very primal, ingrained, flight-fight responses within our subconscious selves. Part of that reconditioning, or healing, is to actually have repeated SUCCESS, with another person that you love and trust, in the area that caused so much trama as a child. At the same time, we both have to personally reduce the continued subconscious focus (on 'pinging') on the over-sensitized aspect of our personality -- to reduce the 'inflamation,' as it were. Let me use the Riso-Hudson Enneagrams for my wife and myself to demonstrate (we've not been formally tested for our Types, but I think this is accurate):
My basic type is Type 3: The Achiever, with a Basic Desire: to be admired ("accepted" works here too), and Basic Fear: of being rejected. Rejection was the common theme of my childhood, so my type is not surprising.
My wife's basic type is Type 6: The Questioner, with a Basic Desire: to be secure, and Basic Fear: of being abandoned. Abandonment was the common theme of her childhood, so again, her type is not surprising.
So what each of us has to do for each other is to give our partner the thing that we each subconsciously yearn for the most: in my case, acceptance / admiration; and in her case, security. What each of us has to also do for ourselves is to recognize and work to reduce the influence of our basic fear in our lives: in my case, fear of rejection, and her her case, fear of abandonment.
The hard part, for us and the therapist, is the fact that we have over 20 years of personal relationship history which reenforced each of our basic fears with each other. I have over 20 years of various rejections -- refusals of emotional and / or physical intimacy -- to overcome and rebuild trust around. My wife has over 20 years of various abandonments -- from my going out to sea, disappearing into the 'man-cave' for months at a time, or completely absorbing myself in work/school -- to overcome and rebuild trust around. Starting with 'fresh' relationships would almost be easier....
But not nearly as fulfilling. We're on the road, and slogging along again.
-- B.
Me 50, W 45, M for 26 yrs S25, D23, S13, S10 20+ year SSM; recovery began Oct 2007
"So what each of us has to do for each other is to give our partner the thing that we each subconsciously yearn for the most: in my case, acceptance / admiration; and in her case security. What each of us has to do for ourselves is to recognize and work to reduce the influence of our basic fear in our lives: in my case, fear of rejection, and her her case, fear of abandonment.
The hard part, for us and the therapist, is the fact that we have over 20 years of personal relationship history which reenforced each of our basic fears with each other. I have over 20 years of various rejections -- refusals of emotional and / or physical intimacy -- to overcome and rebuild trust around. My wife has over 20 years of various abandonments -- from my going out to sea, disappearing into the 'man-cave' for months at a time, or completely absorbing myself in work/school -- to overcome and rebuild trust around. Staring with 'fresh' relationships would almost be easier...."
IS MINDBLOWING.
Seriously. I wonder how common this is... That we are attracted to someone who represents something in our subconscious/psychological history... Who we make our object of resolution, subconsciously... And who we might be handling/communicating with in a way that keeps reinforcing the never-ending pain rather than nurturing the resolution.
Though not everyone suffers abuse from their childhood, we all see the world through our own eyes, shaped significantly from our childhood experiences. I wonder if the idea of working through whatever we're stuck on from our past has something to do with the old adage that girls always marry their fathers and boys always marry their mothers.
I only had Psych I in college, so maybe this stuff is obvious to those of you who have studied more. I find this fascinating.
I hope you and Mrs. Baggy can untangle your way to become each other's perfect, sweet, satisfying love. Whatever that is, I think only Michelangelo could depict its heavenly status! (Sorry, I know I tend to get kooky.)
BTW: I just took the short RHETI quiz and I'm a 7: The Generalist who is enthusiastic and productive. Accept me as I am, listen to my stories, laughter, don't like being alone, love to be adventurous... Next 3 highest (I scored 6 for Type 7, and then 5 for each of these) were 2 (The Helper), 3 (The Motivator), and 4 (The Artist). Holy cow - that is pretty darn accurate!
Oh sure. Squeaky clean, Catholic, "good girl", Old Country Italian crap. Constant riding, constant finger pointing at the trashy neighbors, lots of praise of individuals who were "exemplary".
I was always trying to bust out or rebel in some way, but not in a direct, confrontational way. I would try to paint (and live) the picture they wanted to see, but would also act out outside of the house. I couldn't wait to be a grown up and be on my own. I was craving their approval, and I knew that my interests weren't in line with what they admired as they were constantly trying to push me in specific directions. My interests weren't nurtured or supported or really praised. So, I shelved them and did my best to walk a path that would fall within their approval.
Yep... I'm a Nice Guy too.
What I find interesting, is that my H supports my dreams, whatever they are. He would approve of me pursuing any dream with regard to work. I have this amazing green light in front of me, and I just have to drive through it once I figure out the next thing to try.
The sex thing... I don't know. I suppose it keeps that mental Church Lady "say-10-Hail-Mary's-til-that-feeling-down-there-goes-away" intact. H is a lot like my Father in some ways. And, Lord knows my Father wasn't around much to demonstrate any kind of love. He loved in the "almighty head of the house breadwinner" kind of way.
